Family Dinner.

Family protrait

Today we sat down at the table as the poor turkey whom gave its life to sustain mine however the turkey was more lucky then I was.  When you sit at a dinner in my house the chances are you'll get a good show to go with the good food.  First begins Father asking this and that making the already raw nerves to almost disappear but don't get me wrong he means well.  I just   wish that his mind was healthy again that is something to truly be more thankful for that then anything else in the world.  We human's tend to be grateful after losing someone or something precious to us but being thankful should not have to happen after a loss.  We have pain but that doesn't mean we should not be thankful for life.  This family dinner may have seen Dad not having a good mental day but I'm still grateful that he is still with us.  As he grows older the less time we have together and I may complain about my family the reality is I'm more luckier then most.  I came from a family without verbal, physical, or sexual abuse even though I was sexually abuse the man was part of my family.  Oh don't get me wrong we fight have a bit of dysfunctional times but not the point it is unhealthy for us.  I know that we can have a healthy side and unhealthy side in everything in life.  Family is something to truly be grateful for even if they do make you ask the question: Why me, Lord?  Most important words for me are family, friends, and love but we often don't say love you enough so I ask this of you to always wake up saying I love you and go to bed saying I love you for life is something that is precious even if you don't feel like it is at this moment in time.  Especially during those times we don't feel so grateful is the time where we should fight even harder to be grateful once again.  The next time you have a family dinner whether it be on a holiday or just a ordinary one be thankful they are here enjoying good food and conversation with you.

Hand from above.

     One hand can reach millions of people whom will live a millennium from now and just the thought of that is amazing to me.  Most people over look the impact we have upon others lives and those whom we never meant to meet in our lifetime.  My life is my words flow upon the wind carrying parts of my being along with it as I reach out finding other's whom words have impacted upon my life.  I think one of the reasons I love history so much is learning about those whom lived in a period far different from my own.  It is fascinating to see how they lived and worked hard for what they needed in life where today I feel for myself that I do not work hard enough.  We have many hard working people today but I fear that I am not.  I believe that we decide our path in life and that it is not society that stops us form getting the kind of life we want to live.  We decide on whether or not to let society decide what we can or cannot do and that is not right.  We live our lives and no one else can that is just not possible.  Life is hard enough without someone stopping you from living that life especially if that person is you.  For so long I would not except another's hand nor did I feel that I needed help.  I walked my pain of my own free will in the end because I could not see the light out there shining upon me.  Actually I didn't want to see it and that to me is something that I needed to go through in order to see more clearly then before in other words to heal.  Life's journey has always been a welcomed journey for me but you know I decided to walk it the way I did without society telling me how to walk it.  I know others helped me make my decision through the act of rape, bullying, and being stereotyped but when all is said and done I made the sole choice to walk it.  To know you myself is to know more about myself as I continue to walk upon this journey of life.  We are not perfect nor do I wish for that anymore because what good is it to be perfect.  I want to keep on reaching for that I denied myself all my life to keep marching forward even if it means falling back down upon the ground.  I shall accept the hand from above and keep walking forward for life is worth living as long as I give it that worth.  I won't allow others to put a label upon me but I shall place one upon myself, ME.  We are learning from our first breath of life and even after our last breath for I believe that our Spirit does live on in a afterlife.  I choose to be the person whom I am today and will not to try to get back what I lost for that is not possible for me now.  

The wake words leave behind.

Imprints.

     Words we speak often leave a invisible imprint upon the person whom reads them even a hundred years from the written words you leave will touch someone you shall never meet.  Today someone left words upon my heart making me lose a bit more faith that we humans will change for the better and not continue to decline.  How can a person leave a grieving Mother a cruel message?  Yet it happened without a moment's thought the person left a scare upon a heart already scared from the loss of her young Son.  When words are meant to harm to slice deeper then any blade can and to mend what seems unmendable.  Life always will have the painful moments written upon your journey but I choose to use my words to heal not harm.  We all make that choice in our lives and for me having my words flow upon the wind freely should be done in a non harmful way.  I do not like others whom hurt me with their words and so I choose to not harm with mine when I can.  Life is painful enough without me adding to that pain and besides I'm too tired to keep living in my own pain.  It is too exhausting to stay in pain all the time while life is passing me by and others whom are truly living life.  I rather reach my potential then to waist this gift that I have been given by my parents and the Creator of life.  I'm learning more about myself as I walk this journey even though I should be the expert on me I cannot be so for everything and everyone that touches my life changes me.  Some are good and others are not so good but I shall choose to face what is thrown upon my path as best as I can.  After all that is far better then ignoring the pain and allowing the pain to eat at me which keeps me from enjoying the joys of life.  They are still many joys you just have to go exploring to find them and wipe away the gray clouds covering your view.  Find the path that allows you see the person whom laughs, smiles, and even cries but knows that this shall not chain them no longer.  I'm always going to walk forward from now on even if I get knocked on the butt.

Something's missing but do I need it or not?

Reflections.

Something was cut off before I knew what is was because I was only ten when it happened and as a adult I find that I don't know what most normal people know.  Life is a journey that I walk each day learning what I can along the way but what if something is cut before you have a chance to discover it when others discover it on their own?  I'm not sure but I do know that I'm reaching out to know whom this person who is the mirror's reflection.  How do you find the person you're seeking if you are not whole?  A journey filled of uncertainty and exploration into unknown territory for which I gladly shall walk.  Life is beautiful even though is has pain along the way of your journey.  I hadn't always seen that because of the piece's that were cut unknown to me at the time but now I wonder if it is possible to regain what was cut even though I do not know for sure what it was.  How can one go back in time to find those things that are lost before they were delivered?  Does it make my a incomplete person?  Perhaps not whom knows after all if I had what was cut would I be the same person now?  Chances are so maybe I should not focus on what is cut and lost forever but discover what is new and yet to be discovered about the person whom is me.  We never know why we walk our paths of pain and despair but without mine I feel the person looking back in the mirror would not be as kind or warm heart'd as a person.  There are trails of life that I could not ever imagine going through like the loss of a child that is a pain so deep that it never fully heals.  I was never blessed with a child of my own but for those whom are I say this always cherish that child no matter whether they are good or bad at times.  Life is short and no one knows when that life ends and always loving those around you is a gift in itself.  

Words fly upon wings of an Angel.

     Last night a Mother said the hardest words anyone can say to someone especially to her Son whom only lived for 19 short years in this world.  How does one explain to her that there is a good reason for the death of her child?  There aren't any words to say that can ease her pain nor give her the reason why her Son had to return to spirit long before her time comes.  She won't hear those most important words from him again, I LOVE YOU MOM.  Even though she won't be able to see him grow into a good man I'm sure he's saying to her right now, THANK YOU MOM FOR MY LIFE AND I SHALL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.  He says those words with the smile he proudly should off when he walked among us.  She saw his face soon after his first breath praying not see his last but she finds herself  here for his last breath asking God, why.  But his spirit is flying high around her now holding onto the beautiful woman whom graced him by being his Mother.  The Father whom he thought had been lost years ago now embrace's him with all his being welcoming back the gift he too help create.  They may lost their body but their Spirit shall never be lost and is free to fly a new journey in life one where one day we too will be taking.  For now our separation is hard upon us but we walk on knowing that is what they want for us to do and to meet once again.  Whether we like it or not we are all where we are needed right at this moment in time.

     I have come so far that it is too late for me not to keep going forward and most of my life I was faced down giving up the fight for the life I was given from the parents whom love each other and me.  I pray to give them the wish of dying after they leave this plane of existence but we also know that life doesn't always give you what you want.  This July my body gave me a sign that it could very well give my parents the grief of losing me but as you can see I'm still here and very thankful for another birthday.  No knows their expiration date but what counts the most is the journey they lived while here in your life.  Thank you for walking by my side and helping me write my journey of life.  Thank you Great Spirit for all whom you have guided to me in my life whether they be good or bad I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

     Grief may have my friend this night and nothing is ever going to fully erase that because of the deep love they shared as a Mother and as a Son.  That red string cannot be broken unless you're the one that cuts it and I don't see her doing that ever.  Listen to wind and hear the songs of the love that is always flying upon the wings of an Angel.  Hear him whispering to you in the time that will come when you feel like losing faith and hope he shall rise you up and push you forward.

     There are no words to comfort you but I'm trying to and know that you're always going to be close to my heart even though we lost touch as adults and only remember how we were in high school but hopefully that will change we are the author's of our own lives.  My heart flies out to you and prays you will not stay lost on the path of grief for too long.

 












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