Escaping.

My escape.

     As I walk down my life path I began to look back at where I have been and where I am going. I began my life of denial about the age of ten and never looked back for why should I there wasn't anything worth seeing.  At least that was what I thought until I suddenly stopped a few years ago when I had thought my dead end finally showed up.  Well, nope it didn't as I continue upon a path of some denial which is not as bad as the past but still I had hoped to get off the road of denial.  I once again found myself walking it trying to escape from the world of dementia that invaded my loved ones.  How can I be walking this road again with a parent whom has dementia?  Dementia's winning without any effort and all I can do watch as it slowly rob the person of their mind.  How cruel can this world get?  Very cruel more then we humans could ever imagine and I'm at a loss as to what I can do.  However the most cruelest person whom I ever met is not someone that one meets on the street but looks back at you in a mirror.

     Will you open your eyes?  Will you see me?  Will you hold me?  I am here, I am here.  How can I answer those questions when all I want to do is run, run, and run?  Then you will condemn me to this isolation of a abyss of despair.  How cruel you say the world is and I say how cruel are you to yourself.  I hadn't thought that I was the cruel one but the victim surely I have been the victim all this time.  Yes, but the whom's victim have I truly been all this time?  Other's?  Or yourself?  Harsh questions one has to ask of one's self when you are facing  your demons as you fight the fleeting feeling builds up within due to not wanting to face what you need to face in order to keep walking forward.  What is in front of me?  How can I know if I am wanting to escape?  Simply answer really you cannot know until you step into the unknown and walk onward taking what comes along the way.  There is always going to be things you don't want to face but there are things that you will want to face because they make your spirit fly with joy.  Life is not always unpleasant you know that but when stuck in feeling nothing ever is pleasant makes you want to run, run, and rum until you escape.

     Escaping is no longer something I can afford to do but yet part of me is still fleeting, struggling, and wanting to have what I cannot have.  I need to focus on working to get what I can have and not to run but if I do run will you please throw my own words back at me.  A true friend would say, 'hey you, you're being a idiot again.'   Running is not a answer nor is a true escape because you are always with yourself there is no way you can avoid yourself.  Why did I think that I could run away from myself is beyond me.  During times like these when I feel that I am not allowed the same freedom to not have my things used without consideration or to use me as a excuse as to why you didn't get something done makes me wanna keep running forever.  Yet, I find myself standing still looking into the emptiness of what is called my life and is it piercing into every fiber of my being.  Though my feet moving forward looking, searching, and finding those people that guide me to seeing whom I am is not a person to fear or run away from but someone with strength that they can easily see.  I now need to see that strength within me and to use it to continue to walk into the unknown called tomorrow.