Aftermath of a celebrity's Death.

Tear of sadness.

     August 11, 2014 the world awoke to the death of actor Robin Williams whom committed suicide by hanging.  As usual awareness for mental illness once again rose to the top of line but it saddens me to see that only when a celebrity dies that awareness for any illness comes into light.  No one will know for sure why he committed suicide but one reason may have been his diagnose's of Parkinson's disease.  I have many ailments that I deal with and Diabetes is one of them but despite that fact no one wants to face any illness doesn't mean they should give up on living a wonderful life. We all face things in life that feel so devastating but there are people whom face much worse situations then I do with with courage and still lets the world know that today sucks to point I want to give up but I won't.  They fight hard against the hands they were dealt with and even show their true self in bad times.  No one ever said life was fair but people these days seem to only the unfair parts of life and refuse to see any of the wondrous things that life has.  If Michael J. Fox gave up on his life he would not be seeing how his wonderful family is growing, learning, and living their own life.  He would have missed out on a great deal that life has to offer and I imagine there have been times he wanted to know why this disease had to hit him.  I would be surprised if one hadn't ever thought about giving up after getting a diagnose's they never wanted to hear.  I keep going not for just my family but for myself first and foremost.

     Mental illness has existed since man first took a step upon this Earth of ours and yet we turn a blinds eye to it among other things as well.  I'm tired of turning blind eyes for that doesn't help those whom face those hardships in life.  It seems we humans have to wait until a tragic event before we get involved once again in the matters that are important.  For people whom are withing the darkness of depression we are fight it every day and we too lose so many of our fighters to the enemy known as suicide.  We are in a different war but a war none the less for which goes unseen by the ones whom don't have to fight it.  Sometimes I am glad they are not fellow warriors but others I want them to see and understand we just cannot get over it like most tell us too.  What makes them think we haven't tried that before?  We are wondering through the darkest of darkness without any light and here you go telling us to just get over it.  Do they realize how cold heart'd that makes them appear to be in our eyes?  Not everything is so easy in life but we can find a way to make it much easier by learning about our depression and ways to fight it.  It will be a long road but it is not impossible if you believe it to be so and for many years I too thought it impossible until I realized that it was me whom had made it that way.  I also know that those whom have a much more serious mental illness will have it much more impossible until we can find a treatment that works without the bad side affects.  I keep all human beings in my prayers because I don't want anyone to become a new solider in this war but there will be.

     I recently read a article about a woman whom said suicide is not a selfish act but in my heart as someone whom lost a friend to suicide I strongly disagree.  She denied herself finding what wondrous things would have come into her life if only she sought help to find her own depression.  It made me go back and reflect about my own attempt at suicide and now it is clear how selfish the attempt was and if it had succeeded.  For me causing the pain of grief to another is a cruel act because no loving parent, child, or sibling wants to go through the loss of someone they love without knowing why they felt the need to end their life.  A flowing stream of guilt is left behind for them to drown in without hope of ever being able to know what they could have done differently or why they couldn't see the signs.  I became a person whom could place a fake smile upon my lips or hide behind the world of my writing in order for no one to see the streaming of tears rolling down worn out cheeks.  Most people don't understand you become a person of illusions that can fool even the best of magician's.  We even get to the point we begin to fool ourselves making the darkness grow beyond your own being.  It felt like an empty space without light or anyone else floating around me which became my normal way of living after 30 years.  Mysterious Universe's are not meant to be here on Earth but that is where I was at and even though I didn't realize it at first I felt that part of me placed myself in that Universe.  I wanted to be safe from the monster whom took something no person has a right to take away from a 10 yr old girl whom could not understand the world of adults that well.

     I survived but part of me shall always be stained with the memory of what one person did to me and the scares left behind from the darkness.  I walk in the light along with the darkness but I don't fully live in it anymore and for some of us they are still trapped there so I extend my hand out to them and help them to pull themselves out of it.  When I hear the words, 'get it over already' it makes me extremely mad because they don't seem to feel like you have tried just that but you simply cannot that easily.  For some the chemicals in our brains are off balance for people like me a trauma affected my emotional state of being.  Over half my life I ran away from the emotional turmoil I lived in day in and day out until I found strength I thought was not there.  I started to bring my words life and detach the words that held me down like a prisoner chained to a wall.  It took a long time before it dawned on me that my own words good or bad would help me determine which path my life would take.  Those dark paths despite being painful have helped me to become a better person because it taught me many lesson I don't think that I would have learned any other way from.

     During the time of grief many will say you need to be strong for the spouse of the one whom has died but that doesn't mean not allowing your own grief to be placed aside for another.  You see we often miss interrupt the word STRONG!  Being strong doesn't mean you place your own emotions last and another's first especially when it comes to grief because we all go through that differently.  Robin's family has been put through enough now it is their time to grieve without our eyes watching or telling them to be strong for his widow.  They need to come together and be there for each other whether a bad time or not.  Being with someone saying I'm here and I love you can give another more strength then one realize's.  Walk our path of life and even though I don't feel suicide is ever the answer to anyone's type of pain because I believe we can find a way to stop the pain while here on Earth.  Won't be easy but I stopped telling myself that it is impossible to stop one's pain.  Our words make our reality and for me I shall continue to march onward until the Great Spirit decides to take me home again.  Anyone whom is thinking about suicide please call a hot line or someone for you are not alone we are always walking by each other's side.  Bless you all.  Love & Light.