Let it hurt

Hurting.

     Let it hurt, let it hurt, and feel that pain with every fiber of your being.  It bleeds to the point it never stops and I'm tired and weary of this life.  Those were the feeling I felt long ago and every now and then they reappear not as strong but strong enough to throw my life into a pool of hurt.  The pain is part of all life but some people experience extreme physical and emotional pain to the pain they just want to stop the hurt by ending their life.  Physical pain is so hard to deal with and truly makes a person truly suffer in life.  How can we expect someone whom is physically in pain 24/7 to have a life worth living?  I'm sure but I do know how much I hate hearing people suffering physical and emotional pain to the point they     feel death is the only option they are left with.  It is so cruel to watch them suffer day after day and making me feel so helpless to stop their pain.  Yes, I accept pain in life but my own pain and if I could take on the pain of others I would do so in a heart beat.  But I cannot do that so what is it that I can do to help other then listening?  Be a good friend through listening, supporting, and caring after all that is very important to do for someone.

     A realization came to me today about some of the things that I found out were hurting me after all and truthfully it was not something I wanted to know but needed to know.  Actually I think I probably already knew guess the truth is I didn't want to admit it nor face it.  I want to feel equally cared about, loved, and acknowledge that same as the rest of my family is by everyone except my Mom.  Mom has been the only one whom knows how much I placed others needs before my own and honestly I wanted it that way at first but now I'm so tired of being placed last.  It hurts more then I thought it would and what hurts more is that I need to give the things I need and want to myself now.  No one else should be forced to do that for me anymore it is not fair to them but most of all not fair to me.  Why is there such a need to feel wanted, loved, and needed by others and not have those feelings for myself?  Why do I need to 100% fit into their life?  I want to just love them for whom they are not want any object to show me they love them but to feel it with the words they say.  I truly don't feel that love through their words or actions toward me but that is me not them right?  Honestly don't know anymore and being the type whom always has to ask questions and seeks the answers has made some of my journey harder then it needs to be.

      A wise person would say disturbing what lies peacefully beneath calm waters does not mean it will always have a bad result sometimes in order to see the calmness you first need to see the chaos.  I have most definitely stirred the calm waters all my life and now there are both calm and ravaged.  Balance in life is what I am seeking along with trying to find out some of my answers to why.  Whom am I?  I wonder if that question can ever truly be answered because we are always changing as we grow, experience life, and those whom impact our lives.  Each minute we are changing and we may not see it right away but it is there adding to the person we are.  I guess the only thing I can do is keep searching and see what I learn about myself along with dealing with my issue's as best as I can.  After all isn't that any of us can to is to live as best as they can?  I would love comments but since I never get any I do hope that my words help me at least.