Escaping.

My escape.

     As I walk down my life path I began to look back at where I have been and where I am going. I began my life of denial about the age of ten and never looked back for why should I there wasn't anything worth seeing.  At least that was what I thought until I suddenly stopped a few years ago when I had thought my dead end finally showed up.  Well, nope it didn't as I continue upon a path of some denial which is not as bad as the past but still I had hoped to get off the road of denial.  I once again found myself walking it trying to escape from the world of dementia that invaded my loved ones.  How can I be walking this road again with a parent whom has dementia?  Dementia's winning without any effort and all I can do watch as it slowly rob the person of their mind.  How cruel can this world get?  Very cruel more then we humans could ever imagine and I'm at a loss as to what I can do.  However the most cruelest person whom I ever met is not someone that one meets on the street but looks back at you in a mirror.

     Will you open your eyes?  Will you see me?  Will you hold me?  I am here, I am here.  How can I answer those questions when all I want to do is run, run, and run?  Then you will condemn me to this isolation of a abyss of despair.  How cruel you say the world is and I say how cruel are you to yourself.  I hadn't thought that I was the cruel one but the victim surely I have been the victim all this time.  Yes, but the whom's victim have I truly been all this time?  Other's?  Or yourself?  Harsh questions one has to ask of one's self when you are facing  your demons as you fight the fleeting feeling builds up within due to not wanting to face what you need to face in order to keep walking forward.  What is in front of me?  How can I know if I am wanting to escape?  Simply answer really you cannot know until you step into the unknown and walk onward taking what comes along the way.  There is always going to be things you don't want to face but there are things that you will want to face because they make your spirit fly with joy.  Life is not always unpleasant you know that but when stuck in feeling nothing ever is pleasant makes you want to run, run, and rum until you escape.

     Escaping is no longer something I can afford to do but yet part of me is still fleeting, struggling, and wanting to have what I cannot have.  I need to focus on working to get what I can have and not to run but if I do run will you please throw my own words back at me.  A true friend would say, 'hey you, you're being a idiot again.'   Running is not a answer nor is a true escape because you are always with yourself there is no way you can avoid yourself.  Why did I think that I could run away from myself is beyond me.  During times like these when I feel that I am not allowed the same freedom to not have my things used without consideration or to use me as a excuse as to why you didn't get something done makes me wanna keep running forever.  Yet, I find myself standing still looking into the emptiness of what is called my life and is it piercing into every fiber of my being.  Though my feet moving forward looking, searching, and finding those people that guide me to seeing whom I am is not a person to fear or run away from but someone with strength that they can easily see.  I now need to see that strength within me and to use it to continue to walk into the unknown called tomorrow.

Give the words life.

Come alive

     Words flow through the streams of time landing upon the ears of those whom are willing to listen for them however the words are not alive.  I often see more people willing to leave behind money, personal items, and memento's behind for their loved ones to cherish long after their last breath. What if they could leave behind words that have life filled within them that can last a thousand years or more?  Is that even possible?  Perhaps, one truly does not know the power of their own words leave upon the hearts of others.  When I was younger I never imagined just how much my words or lack of words would impact upon my life today.  I doubt any of us as a child would think that our own words would cause us to either walk life as a healed person or as a wounded one late in life.  Our youth gives us the impression we are tough and strong but in reality we are not strong or weak but both.

     It recently dawns upon me that all my life I gave life to my words however that was a cruel life I gave them.  I'm facing a foe of jealousy and wanting recognition for which are not my friends.  Indeed I gave my words the wrong kind of life but even though it has done me harm there was good  that was also given to me.  It gave me the eyes to see myself in a more human light then I feel that most do not wish to see ourselves as.  I mean that we tend to not want to see the bad in our lives because we can end up always focusing on those negative things about us and life.  But what in life doesn't have a good or bad within it?

     Today words flowed hitting their target making it hurt and cracking this heart of mine because the one whom threw them was suffering also.  They were leashing out at some whom they felt had hurt them but hurting another because you are hurt doesn't make it right in fact it makes you appears worse then the person whom harmed you.  I awoke to a world this morning where people's words made me feel like the simple right I have is slowly fading into oblivion and that theirs was still in tact.  My words shall not die because you wish to not hear them nor shall I kill off my own words just because I do not wish to hear them either.  Life is a world full of words that show whom we are on the inside and if you kill those words off then you reject me without giving me a fair chance to see whom I am.

     Words should fly free but note that one should always take the responsibility of giving those words life for whom those words land upon.  I shall continue to walk using my words and try to release those words that I keep locked within due to lack of courage but I am tired of my words dying within my own soul.  So I set my words free to fly upon the world to touch a person whom may need to hear them as I listen to hear their words that I too need to hear.

Let it hurt

Hurting.

     Let it hurt, let it hurt, and feel that pain with every fiber of your being.  It bleeds to the point it never stops and I'm tired and weary of this life.  Those were the feeling I felt long ago and every now and then they reappear not as strong but strong enough to throw my life into a pool of hurt.  The pain is part of all life but some people experience extreme physical and emotional pain to the pain they just want to stop the hurt by ending their life.  Physical pain is so hard to deal with and truly makes a person truly suffer in life.  How can we expect someone whom is physically in pain 24/7 to have a life worth living?  I'm sure but I do know how much I hate hearing people suffering physical and emotional pain to the point they     feel death is the only option they are left with.  It is so cruel to watch them suffer day after day and making me feel so helpless to stop their pain.  Yes, I accept pain in life but my own pain and if I could take on the pain of others I would do so in a heart beat.  But I cannot do that so what is it that I can do to help other then listening?  Be a good friend through listening, supporting, and caring after all that is very important to do for someone.

     A realization came to me today about some of the things that I found out were hurting me after all and truthfully it was not something I wanted to know but needed to know.  Actually I think I probably already knew guess the truth is I didn't want to admit it nor face it.  I want to feel equally cared about, loved, and acknowledge that same as the rest of my family is by everyone except my Mom.  Mom has been the only one whom knows how much I placed others needs before my own and honestly I wanted it that way at first but now I'm so tired of being placed last.  It hurts more then I thought it would and what hurts more is that I need to give the things I need and want to myself now.  No one else should be forced to do that for me anymore it is not fair to them but most of all not fair to me.  Why is there such a need to feel wanted, loved, and needed by others and not have those feelings for myself?  Why do I need to 100% fit into their life?  I want to just love them for whom they are not want any object to show me they love them but to feel it with the words they say.  I truly don't feel that love through their words or actions toward me but that is me not them right?  Honestly don't know anymore and being the type whom always has to ask questions and seeks the answers has made some of my journey harder then it needs to be.

      A wise person would say disturbing what lies peacefully beneath calm waters does not mean it will always have a bad result sometimes in order to see the calmness you first need to see the chaos.  I have most definitely stirred the calm waters all my life and now there are both calm and ravaged.  Balance in life is what I am seeking along with trying to find out some of my answers to why.  Whom am I?  I wonder if that question can ever truly be answered because we are always changing as we grow, experience life, and those whom impact our lives.  Each minute we are changing and we may not see it right away but it is there adding to the person we are.  I guess the only thing I can do is keep searching and see what I learn about myself along with dealing with my issue's as best as I can.  After all isn't that any of us can to is to live as best as they can?  I would love comments but since I never get any I do hope that my words help me at least.                                                                                                                                      

Live or Die is the question.

Life and Death

     Lately I am hearing why live anymore because life is nothing but painful and keeps getting more painful as I go on.  Why have you lived this long?  Seems to throw them off for a second but do they truly answer the question?  Perhaps or not but for me I know that I never could answer with anything but why did I have to suffer all my life with this?  I answered it with a unanswerable question as I always seem to do with everything I face in my life but staying around to find those answers gives me a small reason to keep going on.  I was known for so long as the walking dead for I was not alive on the inside only on the outside.  I never made the effort to make my life any better I always keep saying why bother when things won't change?  In truth thing won't change when you don't make them change and when you do change it still takes hard work to live life.  I never made the effort saw no reason to but that was because I never gave myself a reason for changing it.  I felt that I deserved the pain I was in because of feeling like it was all my own fault.  No is at fault for being a victim of any kind of violence against another nor did we ask for this pain we are given.  But that does not mean we are being punished or that life is 100% unfair because we are own writer's in life we can decide to make this pain disappear through hard work, support, and the will to find what has been denied by others and what we deny ourselves.

     No deserves physical illness, mental illness, or even abuse of any kind and it is only natural to ask then why do we suffer so much pain?  Why not?  What makes you any different from other humans?  Do you think they don't suffer pain either or have a better life then you?  Just because someone looks happy on the outside doesn't mean they truly are happy.  One never knows what goes on behind another's closed door because you only know what goes on behind your own.  We always compare ourselves to others and in the end we truly do not be ourself nor do we try to find the true person that lies within our pain.  Taking a journey to find my true self has taken about ten years so far and you know what it takes a lifetime to find your whole self because you're growing and changing like the rest of us.  The person in the past is not her anymore only the memories of her remain floating upon the rivers of my minds eye.

     The only truth I have right now is the person I am now whom is walking a path of wanting to live for me and because the man whom stole my innocence doesn't deserve to take anymore of me.  I live because there is more for me to do here on Earth more to see, feel, experience, and discover for life is a journey I am not ready to give up on yet.  Why should I end my life because someone else destroyed it?  Answer is I should not give anymore to him nor allowed another to fall to their prey.  I will try to help others whom are already scared and wanting to give up on life to free them from this pain.  I believe that to free one from pain is to stop your fears, find your self worth, and to walk beside those you love.  What I say is not easy nor am I saying to get over I am saying work through it fight on and one day regain an new life one that is much happier then how right now feels.  I have tried taking my life a couple times but I am glad to be here today even though I am struggling that does not mean that life isn't worth living to me for it is worth it now due to I am working on making it worth living.  We give power to others but fail to give it ourselves that is what I am trying to do balance them and me out to where I'm a healthier person.  Not easy but with my support groups, counselor, and good friends I know that I shall continue on this journey until my life span runs out on its own.

A wave of selfishness.

Waves of selfishness.

     I awake to face an familiar enemy that I knew was never vanquished yet I had tried to fool myself into thinking it had been.  How does fooling one's self do any good?  Answer: It don't.  Simple enough yet I still wanted make myself out to be a fool.  I wonder what drives us humans to run away from our own truth and to seek out ignorance as band-aid that eventually ends up coming off sooner or later.  Bandage's don't work any longer because they end up falling apart leaving you in worse shape then before.  So why did I put one on my wounds thinking that it would work even though I knew it would not?  Strange thing to probably ask one's self but you would be surprised at the questions I ask of myself.

     The past floods in my life all the negative feelings, thoughts, and actions born a life that was not a true life but one that had no light in it.  Wasn't a life actually more of a mere existence of person whom left long before they even started to live their own life.  Why would I do that to myself?  Good question one I cannot yet answer nor even know if I can ever answer that.  I was not living and no one noticed or felt anything was wrong with me because I kept it hidden and because they didn't want to see anything wrong.  Just following normal human behavior whether right or wrong we do the best we can as we walk our paths of life.  I hadn't spoken out and now I am trying to release the words needed for them to hear or for me to say.  In my spirit I feel it is both a need of them hearing those words and for me to finally speak what I have kept locked away for what feels like a eternity.

     Miracle of life is given to all humans and it saddens this heart to see how many of us humans throw it away without a second thought.  I was no different I was throwing away my own life away without a second thought nor care.  It was something that I apparently had and have to go through in my life but part of me cannot help but resent some of what I do not have nor shall ever have.  I wonder if they really would hear the pain they caused by simple statements, gestures, or ignorance of my existence.  I hate visiting the moments of feeling left out of getting a simple cd from a Grandmother whom I loved and took care of.  Or being left out of a gift from a Sister whom gladly gave to all but me.  Those are selfish feelings that are unwanted by myself or it was not what was given that should be important but what I gave to them.  I know I gave more to my late Grandmother then the others and I do not nor wish to ever regret those actions.  I did it because of the love she gave me when her mind was whole and during the moments when her mind was clear.  She didn't always know me but I know her Spirit still loves me.  So why should a ungiven piece of paper make me feel unloved when in my head I know it not be true?  I hate having to feel that I need some object back to feel wanted or loved.  It is not right that it should be that way for love is not given from a object but through the simple words and a gesture in the form of a hug.

     My selfishness I guess is the next journey of my healing path I must face and face I shall try in order to start living again I want to let go of what is unnecessary.  Letting go of what never can be now nor can be changed for it is long in the past.  I need to find whom I am becoming and letting go of what cannot be grasped now.  To grasp is can be is the main focus I need to work on and take that step even if it means getting hurt again but it also means find happiness as well.
 

Child's Voice.

Child's Voice.

     What kind of world is this?  A world where only those whom over look the problems of the guilty and pursue those whom are innocent?  I'm feeling that way as I watch the world go on without taking the time to push aside old rules to create new ones that are much needed these days.  When CPS goes to knock on a door after neighbors report seeing bruise's on their neighbors children and then walk away what does that say about us?  And a few nights later their Mother stabs their Father to death then attacks her oldest Daughter stabbing her and setting her on fire what then does that say about us?  Four Children, a Mother and Father didn't have to through that horror if those CPS people had intervened they would still be alive today.  Two children survived their oldest Daughter and one young son are left to wonder why their Mother did this.  She needed help and not through just prayer but through the doctor's whom could have given her counseling and medication for her postpartum depression.

     My Niece had just given birth to her first born child when the hospital called in CPS for no reason in my opinion.  Two years and a Daughter later she lost both children for taking her son into the emergency for a broken leg for which she is not sure how it happened.  He was born with a heart condition caused affected his breathing and not to have enough oxygen in his body to create a healthy bone growth which is only my opinion but quite possible.  For his first two days his feet were blue indicating not enough oxygen was getting to his feet and that affects bone making it more weaker.  But when CPS is called in by one's neighbor and leaving after the Mother refused to let them in and believe her when she says the kids are fine is some how terrible wrong.  Yet with my Niece would never hurt a child if I had ever felt she could I would never have allowed her to take home her Son and her Daughter was taken from the hospital.  CPS promised we would get them back, yeah right, NOT.  They were adopted out without a second thought of the pain it would cause my whole family.  Life may not be fair but we need to start making it more fair and hold those responsible for allowing a Mother to go untreated for postpartum depression and killing precious lives.  She died in the fire but she didn't need to pay that price either her cries for help went unheard and that is wrong as well.

     If you hear a cry for help reach out and give that help freely without fear and please helps us to change the way CPS does their job it time we watched them more closely.  If you think you're children are yours I have news for you they are not when someone in that powerful position decides you're a bad person you get them taken away or they get left in their home to be murdered.  We need to be the Child's voice of those living with abuse and those whom died from abuse.

   

Remember those whom left their words upon your heart.

Day of sorrow

     Today someone's cry went out to be heard around the world to touch hearts that they shall never see with their own eyes.  We gather to show our support for the loss of precious life but it is so unfortunate that we do not always take the time to stay bound together when laughter echoes out.  The angels took away small angelic voice's out of this world today bringing the ugliness of man's nature.  Man awaken's each days to write the days life story and once done is forgotten for it becomes the past.  Tomorrow is anew and begins again until the black clouds of another's actions cause ripples upon the waters of our life.  In truth those ripples are always present through out our entire life it is just they go unnoticed by our daily routines to provide shelter, clothes, food, and utilities that we need to operate our gadgets and gizmo's that help us walk through life.  Somewhere along the road we have forgotten not so long ago we survived without the gadgets of today.  As a computer addict I would not like living without my precious computer but I should spend less time in front of it then I do.  I am human after all and have issue's but taking out a weapon and using that weapon upon others whom never knew my name would be an unforgivable act.

     Small footprints are left upon the sands of time trying to not be forgotten long after the next set of footprints that will appear next to theirs.  How are we to stop the madness of another going into a school to let lose a blanket of bullets?  How are we to walk forward if we only come together when someone ends up taking a life?  Why can we not work together to keep that from happening?  There are no answers that I can give you for those questions for I do not know myself what it is that I can do.  My words flow through the cyber stream in prayers to touch one soul to cause one ripple that shall grow.  The more the ripples grown the more they can touch me back and to have those ripples touch my feet would be amazing to me.  It would be blessing to hear your small voice before it became tears echoing around the world after your tragic death is broadcast'd around the world.  I rather much hear your joy echoing around the world making others laugh along with you but we live in a world where death by violence happens but I extend my hand to you in hope you reach for it before reaching for a weapon.  I shall always wish to help you rise above the pain you are in for I too know pain and I am tired of the pain taking anyone's life.  We live in the world and it is time to rewrite the world to allow more light to shine through by whatever we can do to make it a better place to live.