Keeper of the Pain.

The Keeper.

      There is someone most people don't know exists but they feel the effects of the object they keep.  It is an object no one wants to keep but we do have a keeper for it.  I guess the keeper’s job is to keep the pain for what reason I do not know.  Why would anyone want to be the keeper of pain?  I bet you are wondering how I know that there is a keeper of pain.  Well, that is simple because I am one and it is someone that I never wanted to be.  Why must I collect the pain of others along with my own?  Pain can flow like a raging river wiping out everything it touches and includes me.  I am so tired of the river of pain that flows into my being leaving a wake of destruction within my soul.  I beg of thee of Great Spirit release me of this burden.  I just want to be able to not feel the pain of others and only deal with my own pain.  Is that too much for me to ask of you Great Spirit?  I rarely ask for myself and I know that many of my loved ones would say I should ask for myself more often but I just cannot bring myself to do that.  I must put others before myself and I ponder if the reason for that is it because I am the keeper of the pain.  As the keeper I ask of you, what I am to do with this pain?  I ask because I do not know nor do I know why there is a need for someone to take the pain of others into their own being.  The path of pain is one  all humans walk upon it is part of our life but there are those that cannot beat the pain and move on.  I take that pain and make it my own however the truth is I don't know if that helps them or not.  They are unaware that I have even taken on their pain nor do I always know it until later.  Their pain flows up exploding upon the innocent people that surround me in my life and that is unfair to them.  Again I turn to you, Great Spirit to guide me to the answers I need.  I know you will not guide me to the answers I want but to  those that I need to find the path that I should be on.  Most pray to for the things they want or need but what we think what we need at the time is not always what we truly need.  I need to find a way off this road of being a pain keeper but something tells me that is not what you have in mind.

     This road is rocky, crumbling, and ancient but it will still carry the strength of those whom are not afraid to walk upon it.  I am not sure that I feel fear or courageous when walking it because when you are a keeper of the pain you begin to stop feeling emotions or anything.  This path is silent now but the river of emotions still flows but without a sound.  A keeper's journey is one that is walked alone without another's company and that is a price I guess one does pay.  My pain goes unheard by others because I keep it locked within every fiber of my being but I do not hide it from others they just cannot clearly see my pain.  My pain becomes intertwined with the pain of those that I gather from as I walk this road of life.  I'm shrouded in a cloak of misleading emotions from people that my family and friends haven't met.  I keep trying to remove it but it seems to stick to me like a second piece of skin.  If only I were a snake that could shed it for good but even a snake grows back their skin and with my luck I would grow this one back as well.

     Where can I get off?  Should I get off this road of being a pain keeper?  The last question was one that I never thought I would ask myself but here I am asking it.  I'm done, trying to find the answer to questions that are not meant to be answered.  I keep walking forward with the pain of others along with my own pain for which I become more broken with each step.  I'm broken to the point repair seems impossible to me.

     New pain has arrived piercing my heart so deep that I want to not walk this path of life anymore but I shall not take my own life but just let go and move on until it runs out.  This pain is from losing the most wonderful, loving Mother anyone could have.  Now you are lost to me Mom and where do I go from here after we lose Dad?  I know that I should have been better prepared for the day I would not have my parents any more but I didn't and I take responsibility for my lack of actions.  However my heart aches for you to come back to me and tell me that it is going to okay and that I can walk on my own feet.  This pain is indescribable even to another person who has lost a Mother they loved dearly because they are not me and I am not them.  Now what can I do with this pain?  There is no other keeper of the pain to give this too and I would not give it to another.  Then the question becomes, what do I do with this unfathomable pain of mine?  I want to end this cycle of never-ending nothingness that keeps me bound to this tenebrous path.

     People live their lives walking around with pain but their path is not always as painful as another's pain.  Life has pain and whether we like it or not there are some of us whom will always feel others pain on top of our own.  Can we have a life without pain?  I doubt it but having less of it would be great unfortunately since there are people willing to do harm to another we keepers of the pain will always feel others’ pain.  Why do I keep this pain then is a good question but you know there are things we do for unknown reasons at the time.  I’m deciding to find out why.  Maybe that sounds like an impossible accomplishment to do but you know it stokes a small fire within me to keep walking forward.  I guess that being the keeper of the pain is a part of what I am meant to be in this life however that doesn't mean it is always a bad thing.  I started this feeling that it was a bad thing but now as I finish this my feelings have change.  Now I shall see where this path goes and perhaps see if it can do some good.

     Pain is survivable and is a part of life whether we want it to be or not but there is a purpose for it although we may never know why.  I don't know the reason for mine or for feeling of others but I do know that I can learn to release it without doing harm.  Accepting the pain doesn't mean that you hold onto it until it makes you sick.  Yet that is what I am doing is hanging onto the pain of my Mother's death and the slow death of my Father due to dementia.  Why does being in the physical make it hard to let go of what needs letting go?  Keepers of the pain tend to hold on tight I feel because we feel the pain all humans carry along with our own.  This path is one I shall walk until my very last breath on Earth and along the way try to release what should have never been held onto.  I'm still as human as you so time will tell if I can do this or if I want to release it.  Walk your path knowing that there is reason your life has gone down the roads it has taken and know you do not walk alone.

Love & Light.

Life's Journey

Journeys

 

     When did we lose sight of each other?  I am not sure when or how but your absence is a constant pain reminding me we are apart.  It was not my choice to part with you but another decided that you shouldn't be in my life.  How cruel is that? How cold and lonely it feels without you here to support, listen, and make me laugh out of the blue.  As the whirlwind of dust began calming down after you left the piece's were not fitting in place.  I couldn't understand how simple it was for you to just leave without any sign of feeling sorrow about us parting.  Do you even miss me?  I wonder if you do or don’t but you won't talk to me.  I need to give you one last message so that I may try to close this chapter.  My heart though is heavy because you slammed a door because of what someone else told you about me without me trying to explain my side.  I didn't lie to you and neither did your friend but what she interpreted was not the truth.  In my faith I believe the messages we receive from Great Spirit is absolute truth however or interpretation of that message isn't.  We are human with many different interpretations of a single word.  But my fears are trying to take over and the dark shadows of doubt are trying to sneak back in.  I know you do not know just how much you hurt me and set my healing back a few steps.  In my mind it is okay to step back now and then but in my heart it hurts so much that it breaks more each time it happens.  

     As a child I would not socialize with other people because of two reasons, one was that I had a secret that no one could ever find out about.  The second is I was not like normal people because I can sense other people's emotions and illness within the human body.  My appearance didn't exactly make me invisible in fact it made others tease and bully me.  I survived but that was what I had thought after school had ended for me.  In truth I didn't survive emotionally and in time that became quite clear to me that it was time to face the past.  I had to face my abuser and no, it is not another person but it turned out that I became my own verbal abuser.  We always think the abuser is someone other then ourselves but that is not true.  I’m a good example of self verbal abuse. I began calling myself stupid, ugly, worthless, and unlovable which I didn't need to convince myself it was true I already believed it.  I began believing it after I was around 15 when my molester stopped.  I know when he started molesting but honestly I cannot tell you when for sure he stopped.  It sounds strange but you often hear fellow victims always remembering when it began but not when it stopped.  We were too happy it ended for us to care to note the day our pain ended but we acknowledge when the pain began.  Ironic isn't it?  It is only logical to remember the day your nightmare ended and to forget when it started.  

     It was only about two years ago that I finally started to use my voice for the first time and then you slashed my heart.  It made me feel that I had no rights to even speak out and it was the same feeling I had as a child.  I always felt as a human without the same basic rights as others had.  Every time I would try to exercise my rights I was told not to.  It was a feeling that I thought was gone for good but you showed me it wasn't.  Now what am I to do?  Give up or fight?  I want to fight for our friendship but if I do part of me is going to feel like I'm forcing you to be my friend.  I don't want to force anyone to do anything they don't want because I know what it was like to have something forced upon me.  No child should have an adult male molest/rape a child at any age.  No one should have placed me into a nightmare world but there was some good that came out of it and that was your friendship.  I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow except keep walking my journey and pray for guidance I need to help me walk it.  I always believed Great Spirit didn't create me to 100% lean on Great Spirit but for me to grow as Great Spirit watched over.  My life is what is and nothing will make me erase anything that has happened to me.  I'm grateful we were brought together for a brief moment but I pray you are well and that you are continuing to reach out to others.  You can help someone see there is life and that death doesn't have to be the only answer to end the pain.  May Great Spirit keep guiding you to your life's journey.

Love & Light.

Don't let them see, let it go.

Unseen

    I sit here wondering just which is colder the snow or one's heart.  My world is changing and not for the better because most people are becoming colder then a blizzard ever could be.  We all walk our paths but we are forgetting that we are all humans who have to live in the world together not divided.  We struggle with pain of those who hurt us and there are more hurting people who are appearing each moment I type this.  My words flow from my heart and another comes along and says, 'get over it, that is life.'  How does one get over what pain another has caused them?  I cannot let go when there are reminders all around me and surrounding my memory.  Someone I know speaks out about her grief over the loss of her young Son and people show her their cruel fangs.  Others speak out about people who bully, violate you, and the people whom shunned them without giving them a reason.  They are told to get over it and move on because you shouldn't live in the past and yet they don't see their own pain.  Hiding the pain only gives that pain the power to grow to the point it takes your life.  Do we not see that we are our own worst enemy?  I don't live in the past but I have to go back and face it because if I don't then I stay in this sea of pain forever.  I want to be free of it truly free and for me death would never give me that freedom.  I want my body and spirit to be free from the pain that has occurred in my life up too now.  I know that my pain had made me stronger, though I do not feel that way.  But if it hadn't my life would have ended many years ago and the people I met in my life up too now would never have known me.  They are wonderful beings who extended a hand out to someone they never met face to face and accepted them for whom they are.  That is becoming rare these days but I will always extend my hand out and leave the choice of taking that hand up to them.

     My heart breaks each times someone tells me they want to die to just end the pain that plague's them.  How do you give another a reason to live?  You cannot that has to come from the person themselves and only I can support you with my friendship and love with each step you take to grab onto life.  Pain will always be a part of life there is not one person in this world who has not experienced it and I'm glad it is there.  Sounds really odd don’t it?  I mean how can anyone be glad there is pain in their life.  But without the pain my life would not be as it is today and I mean that I could be the one inflicting pain instead of trying to help others heal from it.  I feel pain has been a teacher who has taught me that others feel similarly to how I feel and that life should not be taken for granted.  I was taken for granted when a man forced himself upon me at the age of ten causing my life to spiral downwards into that darkness of anger, shame, despair, and hate.  Hate of men and the hate of myself for allowing him to make me a victim that ended him taking my happiness away for over twenty years.  Now, I am fighting back to get the life I denied myself and the one stolen from me but it is taking hard work and I am not doing it alone.

     Borders are put up all around us to keep our enemy out but there is a price for that too and often that price is way too high to pay.  In reality I feel most people don't want to be aware of the price for they would rather isolate themselves from others who are different in order to justify their hatred of their lifestyle.  If they were to get to know them, it may mean everything they believed in was wrong.  That is not true and I am mainly talking about people who tell you that just because the Bible says it is wrong and that makes it wrong.  We cannot place modern interpretation on the Bible when the words were written many, many millenniums ago.  Words had different meanings then and when you put today meaning onto the Bible the original message is lost among the sea of modern meanings.  We should take the Bible of yesterday and study the meaning of words back then and just maybe I might believe what you say is true otherwise I will not follow your way if you have not the true message.  I may not be a Bible reader but I do believe in the power of words for they can heal you or they can damage you to the point you can take your own life.  Words are healing/deadly depending on how we interpret them or use them in our daily lives.  I am no different I allow words to still bind me down but I am slowly breaking those chains by exploring the true meaning I place upon the words themselves.  Life is not easy but I have to stop making it more difficult and painful then it has to be for I am a child walking the path of life discovering herself as she goes.  I'm human which means I accept all that is me the good, bad, and between.  I'm glad to be a human having a human experience along with good loving friends and family. I shall try to let it go and walk onward along with all that will come into my life.
Love & Light.

Negativity in the World Today.

Negativity.

     Recently I have been posting to the yahoo news feeds about stories that catch in my interest and I find the comments more interesting then the story most of the time due to the negative remarks people are willing to make. I made a comment of Liftetime's movie about the late singer Aailyah and what I commented on was the ending in which was the only part of the movie I saw. Apparently she was involved with a man whom was in his mid twenties and supposedly married her when she was only 15 but someone gentlemen replied in a most unkind manner. He implied I was saying I was for old men molesting/raping young girls when in fact how would I say that if I hadn't known that part of the story? His righteous attitude justified him telling me to go kill myself and that he hopes my own 15 year old Daughter had a man molest/rape her. I said I had that happen to me already at the age of ten then I stated I only commented on the ending that I had not seen the part of the movie his was referring too. Yet, I am told to end my life and he hoped a child of mine would be molested and he wants me to think he's the good person here. NO! He is not justified telling anyone to end their life and someone whom is not as emotionally healthy as I am which is not as healthy as I like to be but still they would do what this man told them to do. Sad thing is the person ending their life on his words would be fully blamed and the one speaking those words innocent and of responsibility of his words. He is responsible for the impact his negative words have upon another. I fully take responsibility for my own words.

     Do think if you call someone a monster then turn around telling someone to kill themselves and hope a child becomes a victim and think it makes you appear to be the good guy? NO IT DOESN'T! I have been a person whom has been negative most of my life and now I'm looking back at those times in order to move forward in a more healthier direction. I'm tired of being negative about life and especially towards myself with my own self verbal abuse which I still do once in a while but I am slowly getting past that. I may not want to see how negative the world is but I also know that the world is always going to have negative things in for the rest of my life and into the next generation. What good does it do to avoid it when its part of life? I tried avoiding it once and found out that it is always going to be there so I decided to change how I react to the negativity that is thrown at me.  Instead of giving into it and agree with others as well I found myself letting them say what they wanted but I would not respond in anger nor will I allow their words to do me harm.

      People throw their words out like it was absolute truth when that is truly impossible especially though online social media.  I find the cruelty of their words impact upon my friends and  their responding with anger which only seems to fuel those accusing my friends of things that are untrue.  Just like Bill Crosby I cannot say he's innocent nor guilty for I am not he nor he me.  Telling someone to end their live isn't someone whom is a caring person or doing the right thing.  Nor is someone whom threatens to end their life and go get help you are crazy anyway is not the right attitude either for that makes a person feel as if you are uncaring and cold heart'd.  We cannot truly know each other through a small post on a topic only through reaching out to a person and actually chatting with them can we start learning about whom they are.  We are the tools we used to build connections, relationships, and bonds of love have gone?  I wish that I knew because we seem to have lost them these days or we just don't want to use them either way we need to stop being so judgmental that we attack more innocent people then taking the right action to prevent the guilty from continuing to do harm.

     My only advice against someone else's negative words is to say. 'do you feel better now if so good because now I'm happy to have helped you feel better about yourself.  Trying to not allow their words to hurt isn't easy but reminding yourself that you are a good person and one that is worthy of life.  No one else but yourself can take that feeling away and I mean if you allow their negative words to come alive through your believing them then you are doing the damage now.  They began the damage but you keep it going by believing in those words and you do not deserve to make their words come alive you are a worthy human being because you have a beautiful heart, soul, and survived more then anyone should have been exposed to in life.  Those whom have faith in a higher being (God) also need to know that having faith in you as well is something that can make your life better.  If you don't believe in a higher being that is fine as long as you have faith in whom you are and do what is right by yourself as for your fellow man.  I'm working on that in my own life nothing is that easy but removing the one enemy that is always going to stand in your way is a start and that enemy is ourself.  I'm still fighting myself but my good and true friends are walking beside me saying you're not alone we believe in you.  Now believe in yourself too because I hate walking this path alone and I know so do you.  Watch for how your words affect others but more important how they truly affect yourself and I mean your own words not just others.

Aftermath of a celebrity's Death.

Tear of sadness.

     August 11, 2014 the world awoke to the death of actor Robin Williams whom committed suicide by hanging.  As usual awareness for mental illness once again rose to the top of line but it saddens me to see that only when a celebrity dies that awareness for any illness comes into light.  No one will know for sure why he committed suicide but one reason may have been his diagnose's of Parkinson's disease.  I have many ailments that I deal with and Diabetes is one of them but despite that fact no one wants to face any illness doesn't mean they should give up on living a wonderful life. We all face things in life that feel so devastating but there are people whom face much worse situations then I do with with courage and still lets the world know that today sucks to point I want to give up but I won't.  They fight hard against the hands they were dealt with and even show their true self in bad times.  No one ever said life was fair but people these days seem to only the unfair parts of life and refuse to see any of the wondrous things that life has.  If Michael J. Fox gave up on his life he would not be seeing how his wonderful family is growing, learning, and living their own life.  He would have missed out on a great deal that life has to offer and I imagine there have been times he wanted to know why this disease had to hit him.  I would be surprised if one hadn't ever thought about giving up after getting a diagnose's they never wanted to hear.  I keep going not for just my family but for myself first and foremost.

     Mental illness has existed since man first took a step upon this Earth of ours and yet we turn a blinds eye to it among other things as well.  I'm tired of turning blind eyes for that doesn't help those whom face those hardships in life.  It seems we humans have to wait until a tragic event before we get involved once again in the matters that are important.  For people whom are withing the darkness of depression we are fight it every day and we too lose so many of our fighters to the enemy known as suicide.  We are in a different war but a war none the less for which goes unseen by the ones whom don't have to fight it.  Sometimes I am glad they are not fellow warriors but others I want them to see and understand we just cannot get over it like most tell us too.  What makes them think we haven't tried that before?  We are wondering through the darkest of darkness without any light and here you go telling us to just get over it.  Do they realize how cold heart'd that makes them appear to be in our eyes?  Not everything is so easy in life but we can find a way to make it much easier by learning about our depression and ways to fight it.  It will be a long road but it is not impossible if you believe it to be so and for many years I too thought it impossible until I realized that it was me whom had made it that way.  I also know that those whom have a much more serious mental illness will have it much more impossible until we can find a treatment that works without the bad side affects.  I keep all human beings in my prayers because I don't want anyone to become a new solider in this war but there will be.

     I recently read a article about a woman whom said suicide is not a selfish act but in my heart as someone whom lost a friend to suicide I strongly disagree.  She denied herself finding what wondrous things would have come into her life if only she sought help to find her own depression.  It made me go back and reflect about my own attempt at suicide and now it is clear how selfish the attempt was and if it had succeeded.  For me causing the pain of grief to another is a cruel act because no loving parent, child, or sibling wants to go through the loss of someone they love without knowing why they felt the need to end their life.  A flowing stream of guilt is left behind for them to drown in without hope of ever being able to know what they could have done differently or why they couldn't see the signs.  I became a person whom could place a fake smile upon my lips or hide behind the world of my writing in order for no one to see the streaming of tears rolling down worn out cheeks.  Most people don't understand you become a person of illusions that can fool even the best of magician's.  We even get to the point we begin to fool ourselves making the darkness grow beyond your own being.  It felt like an empty space without light or anyone else floating around me which became my normal way of living after 30 years.  Mysterious Universe's are not meant to be here on Earth but that is where I was at and even though I didn't realize it at first I felt that part of me placed myself in that Universe.  I wanted to be safe from the monster whom took something no person has a right to take away from a 10 yr old girl whom could not understand the world of adults that well.

     I survived but part of me shall always be stained with the memory of what one person did to me and the scares left behind from the darkness.  I walk in the light along with the darkness but I don't fully live in it anymore and for some of us they are still trapped there so I extend my hand out to them and help them to pull themselves out of it.  When I hear the words, 'get it over already' it makes me extremely mad because they don't seem to feel like you have tried just that but you simply cannot that easily.  For some the chemicals in our brains are off balance for people like me a trauma affected my emotional state of being.  Over half my life I ran away from the emotional turmoil I lived in day in and day out until I found strength I thought was not there.  I started to bring my words life and detach the words that held me down like a prisoner chained to a wall.  It took a long time before it dawned on me that my own words good or bad would help me determine which path my life would take.  Those dark paths despite being painful have helped me to become a better person because it taught me many lesson I don't think that I would have learned any other way from.

     During the time of grief many will say you need to be strong for the spouse of the one whom has died but that doesn't mean not allowing your own grief to be placed aside for another.  You see we often miss interrupt the word STRONG!  Being strong doesn't mean you place your own emotions last and another's first especially when it comes to grief because we all go through that differently.  Robin's family has been put through enough now it is their time to grieve without our eyes watching or telling them to be strong for his widow.  They need to come together and be there for each other whether a bad time or not.  Being with someone saying I'm here and I love you can give another more strength then one realize's.  Walk our path of life and even though I don't feel suicide is ever the answer to anyone's type of pain because I believe we can find a way to stop the pain while here on Earth.  Won't be easy but I stopped telling myself that it is impossible to stop one's pain.  Our words make our reality and for me I shall continue to march onward until the Great Spirit decides to take me home again.  Anyone whom is thinking about suicide please call a hot line or someone for you are not alone we are always walking by each other's side.  Bless you all.  Love & Light.

     

Gone is the friend I knew.

Left alone.

     I'm sitting here, breathing, heart beating, mind racing, and wondering why in the blazes you found it easy to leave me in this pain.  A pain you knew would be left upon my soul, body, and spirit but yet you chose to take away something that was precious to me and it should have been just as precious to you. Your life was precious and loved by me as a friend, a Sister, and more then words can express.  My tears are flowing along side the rage of anger that goes with it.  Questions roam into my quiet mind's domain demanding their answers for which I have not.  Was I truly such a awful friend that you could not come to me in your time of need?  Did I leave you behind without realizing it?  What was so painful that made you feel so trapped that nothing could ever break you free except the Grim reaper?  I shall ever find a path that can take me back in time to say to you. 'I shall wrap you in my warm arms and onto you not letting you fall.'  I always hold my hands to others but perhaps I did not toward you or you felt that I hadn't and in truth I do not know.

     My whole life has been painful and not many knew just how much for I wore a pretty good mask that fooled everyone in my life including myself.  I have learned about myself this past year through another's eyes and a total stranger's eyes.  Whom is the stranger one might ask and the answer may surprise you to the point you would sternly not believe it possible.  The stranger I am talking about is none other then myself and that is Great Spirit's (God's) honest truth.  We say nobody can know us better then ourselves but we tend to forget that we refuse to fully see our true self and therefore only see a small fraction of the person that lies within our vessel called the body.  I believe that when we are in pain there is the pain of the body, mind, and spirit but when death finally arrives we are released from the physical pain and that of the mind.  When I say the mind I mean the physical illness that attacks our minds but the emotional which I believe is the pain our spirit feels for which we take with us at the time of our death.  I want to resolve as much as I can while still breathing, heart beating. and body moving forward with each new step I take.

     I wondered around for years trying to find answers to questions no one should have to ask but we are forced to from the hands of another whom took it upon themselves to make you a victim of his twisted violent act.  Throwing the innocence you had into a pit of darkness that feels like light cannot penetrate into your core.  As the anger arise's from this pit I have found it is having a positive side affect this time and most may think, she is crazy but everything shall always have more then one side to it.  For me it has opened up a new venue for me in my writing, soul searching journey, and opening to my eyes that we cannot fully realize the change that is possible as we grow each day with each step.  Maybe I should thank you instead of being angry but I am still angry for today as for tomorrow it is yet to be written.  Seek out those whom are walking a similar path and extend their hands out to them.  Catch them before they fall and if you are not meant to catch them on my side then catch them on yours.  We all have a purpose in the living world and the world of Spirits.  Allow me to  be angry, to just feel in the moment because that is all I can do right now is just to feel the here and now.  I shall always hold you in my heart, scold you for unanswered questions, and regret losing touch with you.  Until we meet again watch out for the ones whom are hanging by a thread and be their life lind and dear friend as you are to me.  Bye for now my Dear Friend Brenda until we meet once more.
  

Road to Faith

Road to faith.

     Carry me Lord, carry me Lord, was a line from a song I heard on the radio today which got me to thinking about something.  Funny thought came to my mind which was I don't want Great Spirit (God) to carry me but walk by my side in life even though my favorite poem in the world is Footprints.  But you see in the poem the man has footprints that are his alone and then there appears another set next to him.  During the times that were his roughest he only saw one set and the Lord said that is when I carried you.  The song made me feel that we want God to fix everything that is wrong in our life and that we are not meant to fix anything.  You see faith for me it not depending on Great Spirit to give me the answers to all I seek but to guide to me a good path in life even if that path has many rough times as I walk it.  For me I am not alone for Great Spirit is always within my heart and walk along side me as this journey of my life is written out.  Yes, I hadn't always felt Great Spirit was there because how does a loving caring God allow a person to harm another?  Most problems I have with faith is that it tells us to obey only but if I were to obey only then how would I explore and learn for myself.  I don't want to feel punished by my faith nor do I want to feel weak to point I have not strength of my own.

    It boggles the mind when I think about why we are so fixated about being weak and needing to obey as if we are slaves unable to walk on our own.  Were'n't we given the good old free will?  As far as I know we were and since we have free will then why don't we use it to walk our journey's of life instead of depending on Great Spirit to fix everything wrong with us?  I want the free will to fix myself and ask for Great Spirit's healing power for assistance but the main part of fixing myself is not up to another but to me alone.  Most of the time it feels like people want to solely rely on Great Spirit but not truly enjoy his wondrous gifts he's given us and shows us with the world that was created through hard work and love.  We take this world and walk over as if it were a mere tool for us to use so we could live but there is so much more out there that we cannot see not wish to see due to our own selfish needs.  Don't get me wrong not everyone is selfish but it seems like there is a lot whom are in this world.

     Spiritualist is defined as a person whom believes in Jesus Christ and has Christian beliefs along with alternative ways of thinking.  It is not a person whom worships the Devil just because some people feel our gifts come from the Devil but if you would as anyone with a gift we will tell you this is from Great Spirit (God) alone.  I'm a Spiritualist whom believe that we had a great teacher walk among us thousands of years ago and as for being a savior that I leave up to you for me Jesus is my teacher.  A teacher of life whom helps me to see what already lies within my being through the day to day journey of my life.  We are not weak or strong but both and when I feel lost and alone I reach out not only to friends or family but to a higher being to help see what I am not allowing myself to see.  Faith for me is not a crutch or power but the bond of love and learning to walk each step that I take knowing that I am never alone.

     Conclusion to today's thoughts is for me my faith is something I look for to feel the warm of the Great Spirit and my Guides bond of love that no one can break unless I break those bonds.  I am broken but that does not mean that I can not be fixed nor shall I stay fixed once I am.  Life is a journey and right now I am trying to hear what I should do to change it for the better and then when I fall again to hear the words: you are not alone and you can do this.  Bless you all.

Escaping.

My escape.

     As I walk down my life path I began to look back at where I have been and where I am going. I began my life of denial about the age of ten and never looked back for why should I there wasn't anything worth seeing.  At least that was what I thought until I suddenly stopped a few years ago when I had thought my dead end finally showed up.  Well, nope it didn't as I continue upon a path of some denial which is not as bad as the past but still I had hoped to get off the road of denial.  I once again found myself walking it trying to escape from the world of dementia that invaded my loved ones.  How can I be walking this road again with a parent whom has dementia?  Dementia's winning without any effort and all I can do watch as it slowly rob the person of their mind.  How cruel can this world get?  Very cruel more then we humans could ever imagine and I'm at a loss as to what I can do.  However the most cruelest person whom I ever met is not someone that one meets on the street but looks back at you in a mirror.

     Will you open your eyes?  Will you see me?  Will you hold me?  I am here, I am here.  How can I answer those questions when all I want to do is run, run, and run?  Then you will condemn me to this isolation of a abyss of despair.  How cruel you say the world is and I say how cruel are you to yourself.  I hadn't thought that I was the cruel one but the victim surely I have been the victim all this time.  Yes, but the whom's victim have I truly been all this time?  Other's?  Or yourself?  Harsh questions one has to ask of one's self when you are facing  your demons as you fight the fleeting feeling builds up within due to not wanting to face what you need to face in order to keep walking forward.  What is in front of me?  How can I know if I am wanting to escape?  Simply answer really you cannot know until you step into the unknown and walk onward taking what comes along the way.  There is always going to be things you don't want to face but there are things that you will want to face because they make your spirit fly with joy.  Life is not always unpleasant you know that but when stuck in feeling nothing ever is pleasant makes you want to run, run, and rum until you escape.

     Escaping is no longer something I can afford to do but yet part of me is still fleeting, struggling, and wanting to have what I cannot have.  I need to focus on working to get what I can have and not to run but if I do run will you please throw my own words back at me.  A true friend would say, 'hey you, you're being a idiot again.'   Running is not a answer nor is a true escape because you are always with yourself there is no way you can avoid yourself.  Why did I think that I could run away from myself is beyond me.  During times like these when I feel that I am not allowed the same freedom to not have my things used without consideration or to use me as a excuse as to why you didn't get something done makes me wanna keep running forever.  Yet, I find myself standing still looking into the emptiness of what is called my life and is it piercing into every fiber of my being.  Though my feet moving forward looking, searching, and finding those people that guide me to seeing whom I am is not a person to fear or run away from but someone with strength that they can easily see.  I now need to see that strength within me and to use it to continue to walk into the unknown called tomorrow.

Give the words life.

Come alive

     Words flow through the streams of time landing upon the ears of those whom are willing to listen for them however the words are not alive.  I often see more people willing to leave behind money, personal items, and memento's behind for their loved ones to cherish long after their last breath. What if they could leave behind words that have life filled within them that can last a thousand years or more?  Is that even possible?  Perhaps, one truly does not know the power of their own words leave upon the hearts of others.  When I was younger I never imagined just how much my words or lack of words would impact upon my life today.  I doubt any of us as a child would think that our own words would cause us to either walk life as a healed person or as a wounded one late in life.  Our youth gives us the impression we are tough and strong but in reality we are not strong or weak but both.

     It recently dawns upon me that all my life I gave life to my words however that was a cruel life I gave them.  I'm facing a foe of jealousy and wanting recognition for which are not my friends.  Indeed I gave my words the wrong kind of life but even though it has done me harm there was good  that was also given to me.  It gave me the eyes to see myself in a more human light then I feel that most do not wish to see ourselves as.  I mean that we tend to not want to see the bad in our lives because we can end up always focusing on those negative things about us and life.  But what in life doesn't have a good or bad within it?

     Today words flowed hitting their target making it hurt and cracking this heart of mine because the one whom threw them was suffering also.  They were leashing out at some whom they felt had hurt them but hurting another because you are hurt doesn't make it right in fact it makes you appears worse then the person whom harmed you.  I awoke to a world this morning where people's words made me feel like the simple right I have is slowly fading into oblivion and that theirs was still in tact.  My words shall not die because you wish to not hear them nor shall I kill off my own words just because I do not wish to hear them either.  Life is a world full of words that show whom we are on the inside and if you kill those words off then you reject me without giving me a fair chance to see whom I am.

     Words should fly free but note that one should always take the responsibility of giving those words life for whom those words land upon.  I shall continue to walk using my words and try to release those words that I keep locked within due to lack of courage but I am tired of my words dying within my own soul.  So I set my words free to fly upon the world to touch a person whom may need to hear them as I listen to hear their words that I too need to hear.

Let it hurt

Hurting.

     Let it hurt, let it hurt, and feel that pain with every fiber of your being.  It bleeds to the point it never stops and I'm tired and weary of this life.  Those were the feeling I felt long ago and every now and then they reappear not as strong but strong enough to throw my life into a pool of hurt.  The pain is part of all life but some people experience extreme physical and emotional pain to the pain they just want to stop the hurt by ending their life.  Physical pain is so hard to deal with and truly makes a person truly suffer in life.  How can we expect someone whom is physically in pain 24/7 to have a life worth living?  I'm sure but I do know how much I hate hearing people suffering physical and emotional pain to the point they     feel death is the only option they are left with.  It is so cruel to watch them suffer day after day and making me feel so helpless to stop their pain.  Yes, I accept pain in life but my own pain and if I could take on the pain of others I would do so in a heart beat.  But I cannot do that so what is it that I can do to help other then listening?  Be a good friend through listening, supporting, and caring after all that is very important to do for someone.

     A realization came to me today about some of the things that I found out were hurting me after all and truthfully it was not something I wanted to know but needed to know.  Actually I think I probably already knew guess the truth is I didn't want to admit it nor face it.  I want to feel equally cared about, loved, and acknowledge that same as the rest of my family is by everyone except my Mom.  Mom has been the only one whom knows how much I placed others needs before my own and honestly I wanted it that way at first but now I'm so tired of being placed last.  It hurts more then I thought it would and what hurts more is that I need to give the things I need and want to myself now.  No one else should be forced to do that for me anymore it is not fair to them but most of all not fair to me.  Why is there such a need to feel wanted, loved, and needed by others and not have those feelings for myself?  Why do I need to 100% fit into their life?  I want to just love them for whom they are not want any object to show me they love them but to feel it with the words they say.  I truly don't feel that love through their words or actions toward me but that is me not them right?  Honestly don't know anymore and being the type whom always has to ask questions and seeks the answers has made some of my journey harder then it needs to be.

      A wise person would say disturbing what lies peacefully beneath calm waters does not mean it will always have a bad result sometimes in order to see the calmness you first need to see the chaos.  I have most definitely stirred the calm waters all my life and now there are both calm and ravaged.  Balance in life is what I am seeking along with trying to find out some of my answers to why.  Whom am I?  I wonder if that question can ever truly be answered because we are always changing as we grow, experience life, and those whom impact our lives.  Each minute we are changing and we may not see it right away but it is there adding to the person we are.  I guess the only thing I can do is keep searching and see what I learn about myself along with dealing with my issue's as best as I can.  After all isn't that any of us can to is to live as best as they can?  I would love comments but since I never get any I do hope that my words help me at least.                                                                                                                                      

Live or Die is the question.

Life and Death

     Lately I am hearing why live anymore because life is nothing but painful and keeps getting more painful as I go on.  Why have you lived this long?  Seems to throw them off for a second but do they truly answer the question?  Perhaps or not but for me I know that I never could answer with anything but why did I have to suffer all my life with this?  I answered it with a unanswerable question as I always seem to do with everything I face in my life but staying around to find those answers gives me a small reason to keep going on.  I was known for so long as the walking dead for I was not alive on the inside only on the outside.  I never made the effort to make my life any better I always keep saying why bother when things won't change?  In truth thing won't change when you don't make them change and when you do change it still takes hard work to live life.  I never made the effort saw no reason to but that was because I never gave myself a reason for changing it.  I felt that I deserved the pain I was in because of feeling like it was all my own fault.  No is at fault for being a victim of any kind of violence against another nor did we ask for this pain we are given.  But that does not mean we are being punished or that life is 100% unfair because we are own writer's in life we can decide to make this pain disappear through hard work, support, and the will to find what has been denied by others and what we deny ourselves.

     No deserves physical illness, mental illness, or even abuse of any kind and it is only natural to ask then why do we suffer so much pain?  Why not?  What makes you any different from other humans?  Do you think they don't suffer pain either or have a better life then you?  Just because someone looks happy on the outside doesn't mean they truly are happy.  One never knows what goes on behind another's closed door because you only know what goes on behind your own.  We always compare ourselves to others and in the end we truly do not be ourself nor do we try to find the true person that lies within our pain.  Taking a journey to find my true self has taken about ten years so far and you know what it takes a lifetime to find your whole self because you're growing and changing like the rest of us.  The person in the past is not her anymore only the memories of her remain floating upon the rivers of my minds eye.

     The only truth I have right now is the person I am now whom is walking a path of wanting to live for me and because the man whom stole my innocence doesn't deserve to take anymore of me.  I live because there is more for me to do here on Earth more to see, feel, experience, and discover for life is a journey I am not ready to give up on yet.  Why should I end my life because someone else destroyed it?  Answer is I should not give anymore to him nor allowed another to fall to their prey.  I will try to help others whom are already scared and wanting to give up on life to free them from this pain.  I believe that to free one from pain is to stop your fears, find your self worth, and to walk beside those you love.  What I say is not easy nor am I saying to get over I am saying work through it fight on and one day regain an new life one that is much happier then how right now feels.  I have tried taking my life a couple times but I am glad to be here today even though I am struggling that does not mean that life isn't worth living to me for it is worth it now due to I am working on making it worth living.  We give power to others but fail to give it ourselves that is what I am trying to do balance them and me out to where I'm a healthier person.  Not easy but with my support groups, counselor, and good friends I know that I shall continue on this journey until my life span runs out on its own.

A wave of selfishness.

Waves of selfishness.

     I awake to face an familiar enemy that I knew was never vanquished yet I had tried to fool myself into thinking it had been.  How does fooling one's self do any good?  Answer: It don't.  Simple enough yet I still wanted make myself out to be a fool.  I wonder what drives us humans to run away from our own truth and to seek out ignorance as band-aid that eventually ends up coming off sooner or later.  Bandage's don't work any longer because they end up falling apart leaving you in worse shape then before.  So why did I put one on my wounds thinking that it would work even though I knew it would not?  Strange thing to probably ask one's self but you would be surprised at the questions I ask of myself.

     The past floods in my life all the negative feelings, thoughts, and actions born a life that was not a true life but one that had no light in it.  Wasn't a life actually more of a mere existence of person whom left long before they even started to live their own life.  Why would I do that to myself?  Good question one I cannot yet answer nor even know if I can ever answer that.  I was not living and no one noticed or felt anything was wrong with me because I kept it hidden and because they didn't want to see anything wrong.  Just following normal human behavior whether right or wrong we do the best we can as we walk our paths of life.  I hadn't spoken out and now I am trying to release the words needed for them to hear or for me to say.  In my spirit I feel it is both a need of them hearing those words and for me to finally speak what I have kept locked away for what feels like a eternity.

     Miracle of life is given to all humans and it saddens this heart to see how many of us humans throw it away without a second thought.  I was no different I was throwing away my own life away without a second thought nor care.  It was something that I apparently had and have to go through in my life but part of me cannot help but resent some of what I do not have nor shall ever have.  I wonder if they really would hear the pain they caused by simple statements, gestures, or ignorance of my existence.  I hate visiting the moments of feeling left out of getting a simple cd from a Grandmother whom I loved and took care of.  Or being left out of a gift from a Sister whom gladly gave to all but me.  Those are selfish feelings that are unwanted by myself or it was not what was given that should be important but what I gave to them.  I know I gave more to my late Grandmother then the others and I do not nor wish to ever regret those actions.  I did it because of the love she gave me when her mind was whole and during the moments when her mind was clear.  She didn't always know me but I know her Spirit still loves me.  So why should a ungiven piece of paper make me feel unloved when in my head I know it not be true?  I hate having to feel that I need some object back to feel wanted or loved.  It is not right that it should be that way for love is not given from a object but through the simple words and a gesture in the form of a hug.

     My selfishness I guess is the next journey of my healing path I must face and face I shall try in order to start living again I want to let go of what is unnecessary.  Letting go of what never can be now nor can be changed for it is long in the past.  I need to find whom I am becoming and letting go of what cannot be grasped now.  To grasp is can be is the main focus I need to work on and take that step even if it means getting hurt again but it also means find happiness as well.
 

Child's Voice.

Child's Voice.

     What kind of world is this?  A world where only those whom over look the problems of the guilty and pursue those whom are innocent?  I'm feeling that way as I watch the world go on without taking the time to push aside old rules to create new ones that are much needed these days.  When CPS goes to knock on a door after neighbors report seeing bruise's on their neighbors children and then walk away what does that say about us?  And a few nights later their Mother stabs their Father to death then attacks her oldest Daughter stabbing her and setting her on fire what then does that say about us?  Four Children, a Mother and Father didn't have to through that horror if those CPS people had intervened they would still be alive today.  Two children survived their oldest Daughter and one young son are left to wonder why their Mother did this.  She needed help and not through just prayer but through the doctor's whom could have given her counseling and medication for her postpartum depression.

     My Niece had just given birth to her first born child when the hospital called in CPS for no reason in my opinion.  Two years and a Daughter later she lost both children for taking her son into the emergency for a broken leg for which she is not sure how it happened.  He was born with a heart condition caused affected his breathing and not to have enough oxygen in his body to create a healthy bone growth which is only my opinion but quite possible.  For his first two days his feet were blue indicating not enough oxygen was getting to his feet and that affects bone making it more weaker.  But when CPS is called in by one's neighbor and leaving after the Mother refused to let them in and believe her when she says the kids are fine is some how terrible wrong.  Yet with my Niece would never hurt a child if I had ever felt she could I would never have allowed her to take home her Son and her Daughter was taken from the hospital.  CPS promised we would get them back, yeah right, NOT.  They were adopted out without a second thought of the pain it would cause my whole family.  Life may not be fair but we need to start making it more fair and hold those responsible for allowing a Mother to go untreated for postpartum depression and killing precious lives.  She died in the fire but she didn't need to pay that price either her cries for help went unheard and that is wrong as well.

     If you hear a cry for help reach out and give that help freely without fear and please helps us to change the way CPS does their job it time we watched them more closely.  If you think you're children are yours I have news for you they are not when someone in that powerful position decides you're a bad person you get them taken away or they get left in their home to be murdered.  We need to be the Child's voice of those living with abuse and those whom died from abuse.

   

Remember those whom left their words upon your heart.

Day of sorrow

     Today someone's cry went out to be heard around the world to touch hearts that they shall never see with their own eyes.  We gather to show our support for the loss of precious life but it is so unfortunate that we do not always take the time to stay bound together when laughter echoes out.  The angels took away small angelic voice's out of this world today bringing the ugliness of man's nature.  Man awaken's each days to write the days life story and once done is forgotten for it becomes the past.  Tomorrow is anew and begins again until the black clouds of another's actions cause ripples upon the waters of our life.  In truth those ripples are always present through out our entire life it is just they go unnoticed by our daily routines to provide shelter, clothes, food, and utilities that we need to operate our gadgets and gizmo's that help us walk through life.  Somewhere along the road we have forgotten not so long ago we survived without the gadgets of today.  As a computer addict I would not like living without my precious computer but I should spend less time in front of it then I do.  I am human after all and have issue's but taking out a weapon and using that weapon upon others whom never knew my name would be an unforgivable act.

     Small footprints are left upon the sands of time trying to not be forgotten long after the next set of footprints that will appear next to theirs.  How are we to stop the madness of another going into a school to let lose a blanket of bullets?  How are we to walk forward if we only come together when someone ends up taking a life?  Why can we not work together to keep that from happening?  There are no answers that I can give you for those questions for I do not know myself what it is that I can do.  My words flow through the cyber stream in prayers to touch one soul to cause one ripple that shall grow.  The more the ripples grown the more they can touch me back and to have those ripples touch my feet would be amazing to me.  It would be blessing to hear your small voice before it became tears echoing around the world after your tragic death is broadcast'd around the world.  I rather much hear your joy echoing around the world making others laugh along with you but we live in a world where death by violence happens but I extend my hand to you in hope you reach for it before reaching for a weapon.  I shall always wish to help you rise above the pain you are in for I too know pain and I am tired of the pain taking anyone's life.  We live in the world and it is time to rewrite the world to allow more light to shine through by whatever we can do to make it a better place to live.

A Thousand Miles

Thousand miles

     A thousand miles of walking has left me drained of energy and I am not sure that I can move forward anymore.  Time has stopped without warning leaving me frozen, unsure, alone, and reaching out into the emptiness only to find no one can see me.  Why?  A word screamed a thousand times that never receives any words back.  My mouth now opens without any flowing words able to escape past my pale worn lips.  I cannot move anymore and is there someone to move forward for?  No echoes throughout the space known as my mind and a river of despair rages through leaving me to deal with the aftermath.  I knew that walking life was not going to be easy for me but yet I choose to walk that thousand miles without knowing or caring about what was waiting for me at the end.  After all what does someone the world objects to having in there have to look forward to in life?  Nothing.

     Another thousand minutes have passed by without anyone noticing except me because when frozen in time you noticed things that others do not.  Or at least that was the impression I got back then and you know everything has a truth or a false within it especially my own self perception at the time fully how as time goes by you begin to see what it was you were blind to.  I'm moving again slowly but at least I am not moving forward because I have a reason to move.  I still stumble while walking the next thousand miles but I don't let it keep me frozen anymore I have a reason to keep walking.  ME, FAMILY, AND DEAR FRIENDS.  Those are very good reasons but mostly for me and there may be some of you thinking that is a bit self but in reality it is not for I have always placed others first and that cannot continue any longer.  How much can a person sacrifice for another without fully breaking into unfixable pieces?  Not long and I have a life, right to have that life, and no longer should I deny it to myself.  I was the one denying my life no one else held a gun to my head but along that path it started feeling as if I was the only one giving, caring, and in truth it was not the truth.  Our minds tell us something is true but it rarely is the truth of the situations we face each day as we walk our own journeys of life.  One step closer to find myself at the end of this life as I begin anew one upon leaving the body behind to nature the Earth.

     I would walk another thousand miles to find you for whom I should never have lost along the way of this journey.  I admit to being the one responsible for my words, actions in the past, and for those unspoken words and actions.  I shall now stand up even if life wants to throw me down into the mud once again but this time I shall pick myself up and clean myself off as I continue walking forward.  I may have been blessed with children, a man in my life, but I am still blessed to have all those in my life that I have now.  When our own time comes to leave this world we shall be reunited in the world for our love always binds us whether we like it or not.  I have moments I ask why I was bonded to you but in reality I know why because you are you and I am me whom love each other as we are.

Waterfall of tears.

Hurt and alone.

     Tears flow from my eyes hitting the cold ground turn into drops of ice.  My heart feels like an icicle was rammed through my heart causing my whole being to become this cold and cruel person.  How is it that I always feel like the one giving in, giving up, and giving none to myself?  I am trapped within a world where it feels like I am never right about anything or have the same life rights as others.  I'm trying to walk forward but do I have to truly keep falling down over and over again?  I hate having to doubt the progress I have made nor that if I can truly survive in this world or ours.  I want to be free of my demon known as me and become a friend whom is call me.  Guess that didn't make too much sense but what in life truly makes any sense these days.

     Healing paths are hard enough to walk but when someone cause's a waterfall of tears you start to feel why continue to walk this healing path.  More pain comes and more pain will always be waiting for me around the corner.  I know most of the way my life is now is because of my own fault because I never took the steps that I needed to take to have my own life.  I know that and admit to but I am not naive about never have been.  I knew what needed to be done never taking the chances have caused me to pay a price.  I accept that price know for the actions I took or didn't take back then.  I know that most of this is my fault for giving them a false impression about me and that I have to live with.  Why is it I always feel as a human without the same rights as them?  I shouldn't be feeling this way no one should and that fact is I don't like living this way.  It is not living anymore nor is it fair to me as well as to others.

     My Sister the other day said there are times she wished she was not a Mother but I doubt she knows how much it hurt to hear those words because I shall never have any of my own.  It hurts more than any words has hurt me.  I know just how much she loves those two kids of hers no matter what she would still have them as her children.  I was not blessed with children and even though it is hard I have to face it that I won't be lucky with finding the love of a man.  My life is how it is going to be and I cannot keep feeling like I am always wrong or right because it is not about that but to simply have them to understand my feelings is hard when they make me feel that my feelings don't matter.  When you make someone feel their feelings don't matter then you are saying they don't matter.  I MATTER THEY MATTER WE ALL MATTER IN LIFE AND NOW I AM TRYING TO MAKE MY LIFE MATTER TO ME TOO.

Family Dinner.

Family protrait

Today we sat down at the table as the poor turkey whom gave its life to sustain mine however the turkey was more lucky then I was.  When you sit at a dinner in my house the chances are you'll get a good show to go with the good food.  First begins Father asking this and that making the already raw nerves to almost disappear but don't get me wrong he means well.  I just   wish that his mind was healthy again that is something to truly be more thankful for that then anything else in the world.  We human's tend to be grateful after losing someone or something precious to us but being thankful should not have to happen after a loss.  We have pain but that doesn't mean we should not be thankful for life.  This family dinner may have seen Dad not having a good mental day but I'm still grateful that he is still with us.  As he grows older the less time we have together and I may complain about my family the reality is I'm more luckier then most.  I came from a family without verbal, physical, or sexual abuse even though I was sexually abuse the man was part of my family.  Oh don't get me wrong we fight have a bit of dysfunctional times but not the point it is unhealthy for us.  I know that we can have a healthy side and unhealthy side in everything in life.  Family is something to truly be grateful for even if they do make you ask the question: Why me, Lord?  Most important words for me are family, friends, and love but we often don't say love you enough so I ask this of you to always wake up saying I love you and go to bed saying I love you for life is something that is precious even if you don't feel like it is at this moment in time.  Especially during those times we don't feel so grateful is the time where we should fight even harder to be grateful once again.  The next time you have a family dinner whether it be on a holiday or just a ordinary one be thankful they are here enjoying good food and conversation with you.

Hand from above.

     One hand can reach millions of people whom will live a millennium from now and just the thought of that is amazing to me.  Most people over look the impact we have upon others lives and those whom we never meant to meet in our lifetime.  My life is my words flow upon the wind carrying parts of my being along with it as I reach out finding other's whom words have impacted upon my life.  I think one of the reasons I love history so much is learning about those whom lived in a period far different from my own.  It is fascinating to see how they lived and worked hard for what they needed in life where today I feel for myself that I do not work hard enough.  We have many hard working people today but I fear that I am not.  I believe that we decide our path in life and that it is not society that stops us form getting the kind of life we want to live.  We decide on whether or not to let society decide what we can or cannot do and that is not right.  We live our lives and no one else can that is just not possible.  Life is hard enough without someone stopping you from living that life especially if that person is you.  For so long I would not except another's hand nor did I feel that I needed help.  I walked my pain of my own free will in the end because I could not see the light out there shining upon me.  Actually I didn't want to see it and that to me is something that I needed to go through in order to see more clearly then before in other words to heal.  Life's journey has always been a welcomed journey for me but you know I decided to walk it the way I did without society telling me how to walk it.  I know others helped me make my decision through the act of rape, bullying, and being stereotyped but when all is said and done I made the sole choice to walk it.  To know you myself is to know more about myself as I continue to walk upon this journey of life.  We are not perfect nor do I wish for that anymore because what good is it to be perfect.  I want to keep on reaching for that I denied myself all my life to keep marching forward even if it means falling back down upon the ground.  I shall accept the hand from above and keep walking forward for life is worth living as long as I give it that worth.  I won't allow others to put a label upon me but I shall place one upon myself, ME.  We are learning from our first breath of life and even after our last breath for I believe that our Spirit does live on in a afterlife.  I choose to be the person whom I am today and will not to try to get back what I lost for that is not possible for me now.  

The wake words leave behind.

Imprints.

     Words we speak often leave a invisible imprint upon the person whom reads them even a hundred years from the written words you leave will touch someone you shall never meet.  Today someone left words upon my heart making me lose a bit more faith that we humans will change for the better and not continue to decline.  How can a person leave a grieving Mother a cruel message?  Yet it happened without a moment's thought the person left a scare upon a heart already scared from the loss of her young Son.  When words are meant to harm to slice deeper then any blade can and to mend what seems unmendable.  Life always will have the painful moments written upon your journey but I choose to use my words to heal not harm.  We all make that choice in our lives and for me having my words flow upon the wind freely should be done in a non harmful way.  I do not like others whom hurt me with their words and so I choose to not harm with mine when I can.  Life is painful enough without me adding to that pain and besides I'm too tired to keep living in my own pain.  It is too exhausting to stay in pain all the time while life is passing me by and others whom are truly living life.  I rather reach my potential then to waist this gift that I have been given by my parents and the Creator of life.  I'm learning more about myself as I walk this journey even though I should be the expert on me I cannot be so for everything and everyone that touches my life changes me.  Some are good and others are not so good but I shall choose to face what is thrown upon my path as best as I can.  After all that is far better then ignoring the pain and allowing the pain to eat at me which keeps me from enjoying the joys of life.  They are still many joys you just have to go exploring to find them and wipe away the gray clouds covering your view.  Find the path that allows you see the person whom laughs, smiles, and even cries but knows that this shall not chain them no longer.  I'm always going to walk forward from now on even if I get knocked on the butt.

Something's missing but do I need it or not?

Reflections.

Something was cut off before I knew what is was because I was only ten when it happened and as a adult I find that I don't know what most normal people know.  Life is a journey that I walk each day learning what I can along the way but what if something is cut before you have a chance to discover it when others discover it on their own?  I'm not sure but I do know that I'm reaching out to know whom this person who is the mirror's reflection.  How do you find the person you're seeking if you are not whole?  A journey filled of uncertainty and exploration into unknown territory for which I gladly shall walk.  Life is beautiful even though is has pain along the way of your journey.  I hadn't always seen that because of the piece's that were cut unknown to me at the time but now I wonder if it is possible to regain what was cut even though I do not know for sure what it was.  How can one go back in time to find those things that are lost before they were delivered?  Does it make my a incomplete person?  Perhaps not whom knows after all if I had what was cut would I be the same person now?  Chances are so maybe I should not focus on what is cut and lost forever but discover what is new and yet to be discovered about the person whom is me.  We never know why we walk our paths of pain and despair but without mine I feel the person looking back in the mirror would not be as kind or warm heart'd as a person.  There are trails of life that I could not ever imagine going through like the loss of a child that is a pain so deep that it never fully heals.  I was never blessed with a child of my own but for those whom are I say this always cherish that child no matter whether they are good or bad at times.  Life is short and no one knows when that life ends and always loving those around you is a gift in itself.