Road to Faith

Road to faith.

     Carry me Lord, carry me Lord, was a line from a song I heard on the radio today which got me to thinking about something.  Funny thought came to my mind which was I don't want Great Spirit (God) to carry me but walk by my side in life even though my favorite poem in the world is Footprints.  But you see in the poem the man has footprints that are his alone and then there appears another set next to him.  During the times that were his roughest he only saw one set and the Lord said that is when I carried you.  The song made me feel that we want God to fix everything that is wrong in our life and that we are not meant to fix anything.  You see faith for me it not depending on Great Spirit to give me the answers to all I seek but to guide to me a good path in life even if that path has many rough times as I walk it.  For me I am not alone for Great Spirit is always within my heart and walk along side me as this journey of my life is written out.  Yes, I hadn't always felt Great Spirit was there because how does a loving caring God allow a person to harm another?  Most problems I have with faith is that it tells us to obey only but if I were to obey only then how would I explore and learn for myself.  I don't want to feel punished by my faith nor do I want to feel weak to point I have not strength of my own.

    It boggles the mind when I think about why we are so fixated about being weak and needing to obey as if we are slaves unable to walk on our own.  Were'n't we given the good old free will?  As far as I know we were and since we have free will then why don't we use it to walk our journey's of life instead of depending on Great Spirit to fix everything wrong with us?  I want the free will to fix myself and ask for Great Spirit's healing power for assistance but the main part of fixing myself is not up to another but to me alone.  Most of the time it feels like people want to solely rely on Great Spirit but not truly enjoy his wondrous gifts he's given us and shows us with the world that was created through hard work and love.  We take this world and walk over as if it were a mere tool for us to use so we could live but there is so much more out there that we cannot see not wish to see due to our own selfish needs.  Don't get me wrong not everyone is selfish but it seems like there is a lot whom are in this world.

     Spiritualist is defined as a person whom believes in Jesus Christ and has Christian beliefs along with alternative ways of thinking.  It is not a person whom worships the Devil just because some people feel our gifts come from the Devil but if you would as anyone with a gift we will tell you this is from Great Spirit (God) alone.  I'm a Spiritualist whom believe that we had a great teacher walk among us thousands of years ago and as for being a savior that I leave up to you for me Jesus is my teacher.  A teacher of life whom helps me to see what already lies within my being through the day to day journey of my life.  We are not weak or strong but both and when I feel lost and alone I reach out not only to friends or family but to a higher being to help see what I am not allowing myself to see.  Faith for me is not a crutch or power but the bond of love and learning to walk each step that I take knowing that I am never alone.

     Conclusion to today's thoughts is for me my faith is something I look for to feel the warm of the Great Spirit and my Guides bond of love that no one can break unless I break those bonds.  I am broken but that does not mean that I can not be fixed nor shall I stay fixed once I am.  Life is a journey and right now I am trying to hear what I should do to change it for the better and then when I fall again to hear the words: you are not alone and you can do this.  Bless you all.

Escaping.

My escape.

     As I walk down my life path I began to look back at where I have been and where I am going. I began my life of denial about the age of ten and never looked back for why should I there wasn't anything worth seeing.  At least that was what I thought until I suddenly stopped a few years ago when I had thought my dead end finally showed up.  Well, nope it didn't as I continue upon a path of some denial which is not as bad as the past but still I had hoped to get off the road of denial.  I once again found myself walking it trying to escape from the world of dementia that invaded my loved ones.  How can I be walking this road again with a parent whom has dementia?  Dementia's winning without any effort and all I can do watch as it slowly rob the person of their mind.  How cruel can this world get?  Very cruel more then we humans could ever imagine and I'm at a loss as to what I can do.  However the most cruelest person whom I ever met is not someone that one meets on the street but looks back at you in a mirror.

     Will you open your eyes?  Will you see me?  Will you hold me?  I am here, I am here.  How can I answer those questions when all I want to do is run, run, and run?  Then you will condemn me to this isolation of a abyss of despair.  How cruel you say the world is and I say how cruel are you to yourself.  I hadn't thought that I was the cruel one but the victim surely I have been the victim all this time.  Yes, but the whom's victim have I truly been all this time?  Other's?  Or yourself?  Harsh questions one has to ask of one's self when you are facing  your demons as you fight the fleeting feeling builds up within due to not wanting to face what you need to face in order to keep walking forward.  What is in front of me?  How can I know if I am wanting to escape?  Simply answer really you cannot know until you step into the unknown and walk onward taking what comes along the way.  There is always going to be things you don't want to face but there are things that you will want to face because they make your spirit fly with joy.  Life is not always unpleasant you know that but when stuck in feeling nothing ever is pleasant makes you want to run, run, and rum until you escape.

     Escaping is no longer something I can afford to do but yet part of me is still fleeting, struggling, and wanting to have what I cannot have.  I need to focus on working to get what I can have and not to run but if I do run will you please throw my own words back at me.  A true friend would say, 'hey you, you're being a idiot again.'   Running is not a answer nor is a true escape because you are always with yourself there is no way you can avoid yourself.  Why did I think that I could run away from myself is beyond me.  During times like these when I feel that I am not allowed the same freedom to not have my things used without consideration or to use me as a excuse as to why you didn't get something done makes me wanna keep running forever.  Yet, I find myself standing still looking into the emptiness of what is called my life and is it piercing into every fiber of my being.  Though my feet moving forward looking, searching, and finding those people that guide me to seeing whom I am is not a person to fear or run away from but someone with strength that they can easily see.  I now need to see that strength within me and to use it to continue to walk into the unknown called tomorrow.

Give the words life.

Come alive

     Words flow through the streams of time landing upon the ears of those whom are willing to listen for them however the words are not alive.  I often see more people willing to leave behind money, personal items, and memento's behind for their loved ones to cherish long after their last breath. What if they could leave behind words that have life filled within them that can last a thousand years or more?  Is that even possible?  Perhaps, one truly does not know the power of their own words leave upon the hearts of others.  When I was younger I never imagined just how much my words or lack of words would impact upon my life today.  I doubt any of us as a child would think that our own words would cause us to either walk life as a healed person or as a wounded one late in life.  Our youth gives us the impression we are tough and strong but in reality we are not strong or weak but both.

     It recently dawns upon me that all my life I gave life to my words however that was a cruel life I gave them.  I'm facing a foe of jealousy and wanting recognition for which are not my friends.  Indeed I gave my words the wrong kind of life but even though it has done me harm there was good  that was also given to me.  It gave me the eyes to see myself in a more human light then I feel that most do not wish to see ourselves as.  I mean that we tend to not want to see the bad in our lives because we can end up always focusing on those negative things about us and life.  But what in life doesn't have a good or bad within it?

     Today words flowed hitting their target making it hurt and cracking this heart of mine because the one whom threw them was suffering also.  They were leashing out at some whom they felt had hurt them but hurting another because you are hurt doesn't make it right in fact it makes you appears worse then the person whom harmed you.  I awoke to a world this morning where people's words made me feel like the simple right I have is slowly fading into oblivion and that theirs was still in tact.  My words shall not die because you wish to not hear them nor shall I kill off my own words just because I do not wish to hear them either.  Life is a world full of words that show whom we are on the inside and if you kill those words off then you reject me without giving me a fair chance to see whom I am.

     Words should fly free but note that one should always take the responsibility of giving those words life for whom those words land upon.  I shall continue to walk using my words and try to release those words that I keep locked within due to lack of courage but I am tired of my words dying within my own soul.  So I set my words free to fly upon the world to touch a person whom may need to hear them as I listen to hear their words that I too need to hear.

Let it hurt

Hurting.

     Let it hurt, let it hurt, and feel that pain with every fiber of your being.  It bleeds to the point it never stops and I'm tired and weary of this life.  Those were the feeling I felt long ago and every now and then they reappear not as strong but strong enough to throw my life into a pool of hurt.  The pain is part of all life but some people experience extreme physical and emotional pain to the pain they just want to stop the hurt by ending their life.  Physical pain is so hard to deal with and truly makes a person truly suffer in life.  How can we expect someone whom is physically in pain 24/7 to have a life worth living?  I'm sure but I do know how much I hate hearing people suffering physical and emotional pain to the point they     feel death is the only option they are left with.  It is so cruel to watch them suffer day after day and making me feel so helpless to stop their pain.  Yes, I accept pain in life but my own pain and if I could take on the pain of others I would do so in a heart beat.  But I cannot do that so what is it that I can do to help other then listening?  Be a good friend through listening, supporting, and caring after all that is very important to do for someone.

     A realization came to me today about some of the things that I found out were hurting me after all and truthfully it was not something I wanted to know but needed to know.  Actually I think I probably already knew guess the truth is I didn't want to admit it nor face it.  I want to feel equally cared about, loved, and acknowledge that same as the rest of my family is by everyone except my Mom.  Mom has been the only one whom knows how much I placed others needs before my own and honestly I wanted it that way at first but now I'm so tired of being placed last.  It hurts more then I thought it would and what hurts more is that I need to give the things I need and want to myself now.  No one else should be forced to do that for me anymore it is not fair to them but most of all not fair to me.  Why is there such a need to feel wanted, loved, and needed by others and not have those feelings for myself?  Why do I need to 100% fit into their life?  I want to just love them for whom they are not want any object to show me they love them but to feel it with the words they say.  I truly don't feel that love through their words or actions toward me but that is me not them right?  Honestly don't know anymore and being the type whom always has to ask questions and seeks the answers has made some of my journey harder then it needs to be.

      A wise person would say disturbing what lies peacefully beneath calm waters does not mean it will always have a bad result sometimes in order to see the calmness you first need to see the chaos.  I have most definitely stirred the calm waters all my life and now there are both calm and ravaged.  Balance in life is what I am seeking along with trying to find out some of my answers to why.  Whom am I?  I wonder if that question can ever truly be answered because we are always changing as we grow, experience life, and those whom impact our lives.  Each minute we are changing and we may not see it right away but it is there adding to the person we are.  I guess the only thing I can do is keep searching and see what I learn about myself along with dealing with my issue's as best as I can.  After all isn't that any of us can to is to live as best as they can?  I would love comments but since I never get any I do hope that my words help me at least.                                                                                                                                      

Live or Die is the question.

Life and Death

     Lately I am hearing why live anymore because life is nothing but painful and keeps getting more painful as I go on.  Why have you lived this long?  Seems to throw them off for a second but do they truly answer the question?  Perhaps or not but for me I know that I never could answer with anything but why did I have to suffer all my life with this?  I answered it with a unanswerable question as I always seem to do with everything I face in my life but staying around to find those answers gives me a small reason to keep going on.  I was known for so long as the walking dead for I was not alive on the inside only on the outside.  I never made the effort to make my life any better I always keep saying why bother when things won't change?  In truth thing won't change when you don't make them change and when you do change it still takes hard work to live life.  I never made the effort saw no reason to but that was because I never gave myself a reason for changing it.  I felt that I deserved the pain I was in because of feeling like it was all my own fault.  No is at fault for being a victim of any kind of violence against another nor did we ask for this pain we are given.  But that does not mean we are being punished or that life is 100% unfair because we are own writer's in life we can decide to make this pain disappear through hard work, support, and the will to find what has been denied by others and what we deny ourselves.

     No deserves physical illness, mental illness, or even abuse of any kind and it is only natural to ask then why do we suffer so much pain?  Why not?  What makes you any different from other humans?  Do you think they don't suffer pain either or have a better life then you?  Just because someone looks happy on the outside doesn't mean they truly are happy.  One never knows what goes on behind another's closed door because you only know what goes on behind your own.  We always compare ourselves to others and in the end we truly do not be ourself nor do we try to find the true person that lies within our pain.  Taking a journey to find my true self has taken about ten years so far and you know what it takes a lifetime to find your whole self because you're growing and changing like the rest of us.  The person in the past is not her anymore only the memories of her remain floating upon the rivers of my minds eye.

     The only truth I have right now is the person I am now whom is walking a path of wanting to live for me and because the man whom stole my innocence doesn't deserve to take anymore of me.  I live because there is more for me to do here on Earth more to see, feel, experience, and discover for life is a journey I am not ready to give up on yet.  Why should I end my life because someone else destroyed it?  Answer is I should not give anymore to him nor allowed another to fall to their prey.  I will try to help others whom are already scared and wanting to give up on life to free them from this pain.  I believe that to free one from pain is to stop your fears, find your self worth, and to walk beside those you love.  What I say is not easy nor am I saying to get over I am saying work through it fight on and one day regain an new life one that is much happier then how right now feels.  I have tried taking my life a couple times but I am glad to be here today even though I am struggling that does not mean that life isn't worth living to me for it is worth it now due to I am working on making it worth living.  We give power to others but fail to give it ourselves that is what I am trying to do balance them and me out to where I'm a healthier person.  Not easy but with my support groups, counselor, and good friends I know that I shall continue on this journey until my life span runs out on its own.