Gone is the friend I knew.

Left alone.

     I'm sitting here, breathing, heart beating, mind racing, and wondering why in the blazes you found it easy to leave me in this pain.  A pain you knew would be left upon my soul, body, and spirit but yet you chose to take away something that was precious to me and it should have been just as precious to you. Your life was precious and loved by me as a friend, a Sister, and more then words can express.  My tears are flowing along side the rage of anger that goes with it.  Questions roam into my quiet mind's domain demanding their answers for which I have not.  Was I truly such a awful friend that you could not come to me in your time of need?  Did I leave you behind without realizing it?  What was so painful that made you feel so trapped that nothing could ever break you free except the Grim reaper?  I shall ever find a path that can take me back in time to say to you. 'I shall wrap you in my warm arms and onto you not letting you fall.'  I always hold my hands to others but perhaps I did not toward you or you felt that I hadn't and in truth I do not know.

     My whole life has been painful and not many knew just how much for I wore a pretty good mask that fooled everyone in my life including myself.  I have learned about myself this past year through another's eyes and a total stranger's eyes.  Whom is the stranger one might ask and the answer may surprise you to the point you would sternly not believe it possible.  The stranger I am talking about is none other then myself and that is Great Spirit's (God's) honest truth.  We say nobody can know us better then ourselves but we tend to forget that we refuse to fully see our true self and therefore only see a small fraction of the person that lies within our vessel called the body.  I believe that when we are in pain there is the pain of the body, mind, and spirit but when death finally arrives we are released from the physical pain and that of the mind.  When I say the mind I mean the physical illness that attacks our minds but the emotional which I believe is the pain our spirit feels for which we take with us at the time of our death.  I want to resolve as much as I can while still breathing, heart beating. and body moving forward with each new step I take.

     I wondered around for years trying to find answers to questions no one should have to ask but we are forced to from the hands of another whom took it upon themselves to make you a victim of his twisted violent act.  Throwing the innocence you had into a pit of darkness that feels like light cannot penetrate into your core.  As the anger arise's from this pit I have found it is having a positive side affect this time and most may think, she is crazy but everything shall always have more then one side to it.  For me it has opened up a new venue for me in my writing, soul searching journey, and opening to my eyes that we cannot fully realize the change that is possible as we grow each day with each step.  Maybe I should thank you instead of being angry but I am still angry for today as for tomorrow it is yet to be written.  Seek out those whom are walking a similar path and extend their hands out to them.  Catch them before they fall and if you are not meant to catch them on my side then catch them on yours.  We all have a purpose in the living world and the world of Spirits.  Allow me to  be angry, to just feel in the moment because that is all I can do right now is just to feel the here and now.  I shall always hold you in my heart, scold you for unanswered questions, and regret losing touch with you.  Until we meet again watch out for the ones whom are hanging by a thread and be their life lind and dear friend as you are to me.  Bye for now my Dear Friend Brenda until we meet once more.