A wave of selfishness.

Waves of selfishness.

     I awake to face an familiar enemy that I knew was never vanquished yet I had tried to fool myself into thinking it had been.  How does fooling one's self do any good?  Answer: It don't.  Simple enough yet I still wanted make myself out to be a fool.  I wonder what drives us humans to run away from our own truth and to seek out ignorance as band-aid that eventually ends up coming off sooner or later.  Bandage's don't work any longer because they end up falling apart leaving you in worse shape then before.  So why did I put one on my wounds thinking that it would work even though I knew it would not?  Strange thing to probably ask one's self but you would be surprised at the questions I ask of myself.

     The past floods in my life all the negative feelings, thoughts, and actions born a life that was not a true life but one that had no light in it.  Wasn't a life actually more of a mere existence of person whom left long before they even started to live their own life.  Why would I do that to myself?  Good question one I cannot yet answer nor even know if I can ever answer that.  I was not living and no one noticed or felt anything was wrong with me because I kept it hidden and because they didn't want to see anything wrong.  Just following normal human behavior whether right or wrong we do the best we can as we walk our paths of life.  I hadn't spoken out and now I am trying to release the words needed for them to hear or for me to say.  In my spirit I feel it is both a need of them hearing those words and for me to finally speak what I have kept locked away for what feels like a eternity.

     Miracle of life is given to all humans and it saddens this heart to see how many of us humans throw it away without a second thought.  I was no different I was throwing away my own life away without a second thought nor care.  It was something that I apparently had and have to go through in my life but part of me cannot help but resent some of what I do not have nor shall ever have.  I wonder if they really would hear the pain they caused by simple statements, gestures, or ignorance of my existence.  I hate visiting the moments of feeling left out of getting a simple cd from a Grandmother whom I loved and took care of.  Or being left out of a gift from a Sister whom gladly gave to all but me.  Those are selfish feelings that are unwanted by myself or it was not what was given that should be important but what I gave to them.  I know I gave more to my late Grandmother then the others and I do not nor wish to ever regret those actions.  I did it because of the love she gave me when her mind was whole and during the moments when her mind was clear.  She didn't always know me but I know her Spirit still loves me.  So why should a ungiven piece of paper make me feel unloved when in my head I know it not be true?  I hate having to feel that I need some object back to feel wanted or loved.  It is not right that it should be that way for love is not given from a object but through the simple words and a gesture in the form of a hug.

     My selfishness I guess is the next journey of my healing path I must face and face I shall try in order to start living again I want to let go of what is unnecessary.  Letting go of what never can be now nor can be changed for it is long in the past.  I need to find whom I am becoming and letting go of what cannot be grasped now.  To grasp is can be is the main focus I need to work on and take that step even if it means getting hurt again but it also means find happiness as well.
 

Child's Voice.

Child's Voice.

     What kind of world is this?  A world where only those whom over look the problems of the guilty and pursue those whom are innocent?  I'm feeling that way as I watch the world go on without taking the time to push aside old rules to create new ones that are much needed these days.  When CPS goes to knock on a door after neighbors report seeing bruise's on their neighbors children and then walk away what does that say about us?  And a few nights later their Mother stabs their Father to death then attacks her oldest Daughter stabbing her and setting her on fire what then does that say about us?  Four Children, a Mother and Father didn't have to through that horror if those CPS people had intervened they would still be alive today.  Two children survived their oldest Daughter and one young son are left to wonder why their Mother did this.  She needed help and not through just prayer but through the doctor's whom could have given her counseling and medication for her postpartum depression.

     My Niece had just given birth to her first born child when the hospital called in CPS for no reason in my opinion.  Two years and a Daughter later she lost both children for taking her son into the emergency for a broken leg for which she is not sure how it happened.  He was born with a heart condition caused affected his breathing and not to have enough oxygen in his body to create a healthy bone growth which is only my opinion but quite possible.  For his first two days his feet were blue indicating not enough oxygen was getting to his feet and that affects bone making it more weaker.  But when CPS is called in by one's neighbor and leaving after the Mother refused to let them in and believe her when she says the kids are fine is some how terrible wrong.  Yet with my Niece would never hurt a child if I had ever felt she could I would never have allowed her to take home her Son and her Daughter was taken from the hospital.  CPS promised we would get them back, yeah right, NOT.  They were adopted out without a second thought of the pain it would cause my whole family.  Life may not be fair but we need to start making it more fair and hold those responsible for allowing a Mother to go untreated for postpartum depression and killing precious lives.  She died in the fire but she didn't need to pay that price either her cries for help went unheard and that is wrong as well.

     If you hear a cry for help reach out and give that help freely without fear and please helps us to change the way CPS does their job it time we watched them more closely.  If you think you're children are yours I have news for you they are not when someone in that powerful position decides you're a bad person you get them taken away or they get left in their home to be murdered.  We need to be the Child's voice of those living with abuse and those whom died from abuse.

   

Remember those whom left their words upon your heart.

Day of sorrow

     Today someone's cry went out to be heard around the world to touch hearts that they shall never see with their own eyes.  We gather to show our support for the loss of precious life but it is so unfortunate that we do not always take the time to stay bound together when laughter echoes out.  The angels took away small angelic voice's out of this world today bringing the ugliness of man's nature.  Man awaken's each days to write the days life story and once done is forgotten for it becomes the past.  Tomorrow is anew and begins again until the black clouds of another's actions cause ripples upon the waters of our life.  In truth those ripples are always present through out our entire life it is just they go unnoticed by our daily routines to provide shelter, clothes, food, and utilities that we need to operate our gadgets and gizmo's that help us walk through life.  Somewhere along the road we have forgotten not so long ago we survived without the gadgets of today.  As a computer addict I would not like living without my precious computer but I should spend less time in front of it then I do.  I am human after all and have issue's but taking out a weapon and using that weapon upon others whom never knew my name would be an unforgivable act.

     Small footprints are left upon the sands of time trying to not be forgotten long after the next set of footprints that will appear next to theirs.  How are we to stop the madness of another going into a school to let lose a blanket of bullets?  How are we to walk forward if we only come together when someone ends up taking a life?  Why can we not work together to keep that from happening?  There are no answers that I can give you for those questions for I do not know myself what it is that I can do.  My words flow through the cyber stream in prayers to touch one soul to cause one ripple that shall grow.  The more the ripples grown the more they can touch me back and to have those ripples touch my feet would be amazing to me.  It would be blessing to hear your small voice before it became tears echoing around the world after your tragic death is broadcast'd around the world.  I rather much hear your joy echoing around the world making others laugh along with you but we live in a world where death by violence happens but I extend my hand to you in hope you reach for it before reaching for a weapon.  I shall always wish to help you rise above the pain you are in for I too know pain and I am tired of the pain taking anyone's life.  We live in the world and it is time to rewrite the world to allow more light to shine through by whatever we can do to make it a better place to live.

A Thousand Miles

Thousand miles

     A thousand miles of walking has left me drained of energy and I am not sure that I can move forward anymore.  Time has stopped without warning leaving me frozen, unsure, alone, and reaching out into the emptiness only to find no one can see me.  Why?  A word screamed a thousand times that never receives any words back.  My mouth now opens without any flowing words able to escape past my pale worn lips.  I cannot move anymore and is there someone to move forward for?  No echoes throughout the space known as my mind and a river of despair rages through leaving me to deal with the aftermath.  I knew that walking life was not going to be easy for me but yet I choose to walk that thousand miles without knowing or caring about what was waiting for me at the end.  After all what does someone the world objects to having in there have to look forward to in life?  Nothing.

     Another thousand minutes have passed by without anyone noticing except me because when frozen in time you noticed things that others do not.  Or at least that was the impression I got back then and you know everything has a truth or a false within it especially my own self perception at the time fully how as time goes by you begin to see what it was you were blind to.  I'm moving again slowly but at least I am not moving forward because I have a reason to move.  I still stumble while walking the next thousand miles but I don't let it keep me frozen anymore I have a reason to keep walking.  ME, FAMILY, AND DEAR FRIENDS.  Those are very good reasons but mostly for me and there may be some of you thinking that is a bit self but in reality it is not for I have always placed others first and that cannot continue any longer.  How much can a person sacrifice for another without fully breaking into unfixable pieces?  Not long and I have a life, right to have that life, and no longer should I deny it to myself.  I was the one denying my life no one else held a gun to my head but along that path it started feeling as if I was the only one giving, caring, and in truth it was not the truth.  Our minds tell us something is true but it rarely is the truth of the situations we face each day as we walk our own journeys of life.  One step closer to find myself at the end of this life as I begin anew one upon leaving the body behind to nature the Earth.

     I would walk another thousand miles to find you for whom I should never have lost along the way of this journey.  I admit to being the one responsible for my words, actions in the past, and for those unspoken words and actions.  I shall now stand up even if life wants to throw me down into the mud once again but this time I shall pick myself up and clean myself off as I continue walking forward.  I may have been blessed with children, a man in my life, but I am still blessed to have all those in my life that I have now.  When our own time comes to leave this world we shall be reunited in the world for our love always binds us whether we like it or not.  I have moments I ask why I was bonded to you but in reality I know why because you are you and I am me whom love each other as we are.

Waterfall of tears.

Hurt and alone.

     Tears flow from my eyes hitting the cold ground turn into drops of ice.  My heart feels like an icicle was rammed through my heart causing my whole being to become this cold and cruel person.  How is it that I always feel like the one giving in, giving up, and giving none to myself?  I am trapped within a world where it feels like I am never right about anything or have the same life rights as others.  I'm trying to walk forward but do I have to truly keep falling down over and over again?  I hate having to doubt the progress I have made nor that if I can truly survive in this world or ours.  I want to be free of my demon known as me and become a friend whom is call me.  Guess that didn't make too much sense but what in life truly makes any sense these days.

     Healing paths are hard enough to walk but when someone cause's a waterfall of tears you start to feel why continue to walk this healing path.  More pain comes and more pain will always be waiting for me around the corner.  I know most of the way my life is now is because of my own fault because I never took the steps that I needed to take to have my own life.  I know that and admit to but I am not naive about never have been.  I knew what needed to be done never taking the chances have caused me to pay a price.  I accept that price know for the actions I took or didn't take back then.  I know that most of this is my fault for giving them a false impression about me and that I have to live with.  Why is it I always feel as a human without the same rights as them?  I shouldn't be feeling this way no one should and that fact is I don't like living this way.  It is not living anymore nor is it fair to me as well as to others.

     My Sister the other day said there are times she wished she was not a Mother but I doubt she knows how much it hurt to hear those words because I shall never have any of my own.  It hurts more than any words has hurt me.  I know just how much she loves those two kids of hers no matter what she would still have them as her children.  I was not blessed with children and even though it is hard I have to face it that I won't be lucky with finding the love of a man.  My life is how it is going to be and I cannot keep feeling like I am always wrong or right because it is not about that but to simply have them to understand my feelings is hard when they make me feel that my feelings don't matter.  When you make someone feel their feelings don't matter then you are saying they don't matter.  I MATTER THEY MATTER WE ALL MATTER IN LIFE AND NOW I AM TRYING TO MAKE MY LIFE MATTER TO ME TOO.