A wave of selfishness.

Waves of selfishness.

     I awake to face an familiar enemy that I knew was never vanquished yet I had tried to fool myself into thinking it had been.  How does fooling one's self do any good?  Answer: It don't.  Simple enough yet I still wanted make myself out to be a fool.  I wonder what drives us humans to run away from our own truth and to seek out ignorance as band-aid that eventually ends up coming off sooner or later.  Bandage's don't work any longer because they end up falling apart leaving you in worse shape then before.  So why did I put one on my wounds thinking that it would work even though I knew it would not?  Strange thing to probably ask one's self but you would be surprised at the questions I ask of myself.

     The past floods in my life all the negative feelings, thoughts, and actions born a life that was not a true life but one that had no light in it.  Wasn't a life actually more of a mere existence of person whom left long before they even started to live their own life.  Why would I do that to myself?  Good question one I cannot yet answer nor even know if I can ever answer that.  I was not living and no one noticed or felt anything was wrong with me because I kept it hidden and because they didn't want to see anything wrong.  Just following normal human behavior whether right or wrong we do the best we can as we walk our paths of life.  I hadn't spoken out and now I am trying to release the words needed for them to hear or for me to say.  In my spirit I feel it is both a need of them hearing those words and for me to finally speak what I have kept locked away for what feels like a eternity.

     Miracle of life is given to all humans and it saddens this heart to see how many of us humans throw it away without a second thought.  I was no different I was throwing away my own life away without a second thought nor care.  It was something that I apparently had and have to go through in my life but part of me cannot help but resent some of what I do not have nor shall ever have.  I wonder if they really would hear the pain they caused by simple statements, gestures, or ignorance of my existence.  I hate visiting the moments of feeling left out of getting a simple cd from a Grandmother whom I loved and took care of.  Or being left out of a gift from a Sister whom gladly gave to all but me.  Those are selfish feelings that are unwanted by myself or it was not what was given that should be important but what I gave to them.  I know I gave more to my late Grandmother then the others and I do not nor wish to ever regret those actions.  I did it because of the love she gave me when her mind was whole and during the moments when her mind was clear.  She didn't always know me but I know her Spirit still loves me.  So why should a ungiven piece of paper make me feel unloved when in my head I know it not be true?  I hate having to feel that I need some object back to feel wanted or loved.  It is not right that it should be that way for love is not given from a object but through the simple words and a gesture in the form of a hug.

     My selfishness I guess is the next journey of my healing path I must face and face I shall try in order to start living again I want to let go of what is unnecessary.  Letting go of what never can be now nor can be changed for it is long in the past.  I need to find whom I am becoming and letting go of what cannot be grasped now.  To grasp is can be is the main focus I need to work on and take that step even if it means getting hurt again but it also means find happiness as well.