Waterfall of tears.

Hurt and alone.

     Tears flow from my eyes hitting the cold ground turn into drops of ice.  My heart feels like an icicle was rammed through my heart causing my whole being to become this cold and cruel person.  How is it that I always feel like the one giving in, giving up, and giving none to myself?  I am trapped within a world where it feels like I am never right about anything or have the same life rights as others.  I'm trying to walk forward but do I have to truly keep falling down over and over again?  I hate having to doubt the progress I have made nor that if I can truly survive in this world or ours.  I want to be free of my demon known as me and become a friend whom is call me.  Guess that didn't make too much sense but what in life truly makes any sense these days.

     Healing paths are hard enough to walk but when someone cause's a waterfall of tears you start to feel why continue to walk this healing path.  More pain comes and more pain will always be waiting for me around the corner.  I know most of the way my life is now is because of my own fault because I never took the steps that I needed to take to have my own life.  I know that and admit to but I am not naive about never have been.  I knew what needed to be done never taking the chances have caused me to pay a price.  I accept that price know for the actions I took or didn't take back then.  I know that most of this is my fault for giving them a false impression about me and that I have to live with.  Why is it I always feel as a human without the same rights as them?  I shouldn't be feeling this way no one should and that fact is I don't like living this way.  It is not living anymore nor is it fair to me as well as to others.

     My Sister the other day said there are times she wished she was not a Mother but I doubt she knows how much it hurt to hear those words because I shall never have any of my own.  It hurts more than any words has hurt me.  I know just how much she loves those two kids of hers no matter what she would still have them as her children.  I was not blessed with children and even though it is hard I have to face it that I won't be lucky with finding the love of a man.  My life is how it is going to be and I cannot keep feeling like I am always wrong or right because it is not about that but to simply have them to understand my feelings is hard when they make me feel that my feelings don't matter.  When you make someone feel their feelings don't matter then you are saying they don't matter.  I MATTER THEY MATTER WE ALL MATTER IN LIFE AND NOW I AM TRYING TO MAKE MY LIFE MATTER TO ME TOO.