A wave of selfishness.

Waves of selfishness.

     I awake to face an familiar enemy that I knew was never vanquished yet I had tried to fool myself into thinking it had been.  How does fooling one's self do any good?  Answer: It don't.  Simple enough yet I still wanted make myself out to be a fool.  I wonder what drives us humans to run away from our own truth and to seek out ignorance as band-aid that eventually ends up coming off sooner or later.  Bandage's don't work any longer because they end up falling apart leaving you in worse shape then before.  So why did I put one on my wounds thinking that it would work even though I knew it would not?  Strange thing to probably ask one's self but you would be surprised at the questions I ask of myself.

     The past floods in my life all the negative feelings, thoughts, and actions born a life that was not a true life but one that had no light in it.  Wasn't a life actually more of a mere existence of person whom left long before they even started to live their own life.  Why would I do that to myself?  Good question one I cannot yet answer nor even know if I can ever answer that.  I was not living and no one noticed or felt anything was wrong with me because I kept it hidden and because they didn't want to see anything wrong.  Just following normal human behavior whether right or wrong we do the best we can as we walk our paths of life.  I hadn't spoken out and now I am trying to release the words needed for them to hear or for me to say.  In my spirit I feel it is both a need of them hearing those words and for me to finally speak what I have kept locked away for what feels like a eternity.

     Miracle of life is given to all humans and it saddens this heart to see how many of us humans throw it away without a second thought.  I was no different I was throwing away my own life away without a second thought nor care.  It was something that I apparently had and have to go through in my life but part of me cannot help but resent some of what I do not have nor shall ever have.  I wonder if they really would hear the pain they caused by simple statements, gestures, or ignorance of my existence.  I hate visiting the moments of feeling left out of getting a simple cd from a Grandmother whom I loved and took care of.  Or being left out of a gift from a Sister whom gladly gave to all but me.  Those are selfish feelings that are unwanted by myself or it was not what was given that should be important but what I gave to them.  I know I gave more to my late Grandmother then the others and I do not nor wish to ever regret those actions.  I did it because of the love she gave me when her mind was whole and during the moments when her mind was clear.  She didn't always know me but I know her Spirit still loves me.  So why should a ungiven piece of paper make me feel unloved when in my head I know it not be true?  I hate having to feel that I need some object back to feel wanted or loved.  It is not right that it should be that way for love is not given from a object but through the simple words and a gesture in the form of a hug.

     My selfishness I guess is the next journey of my healing path I must face and face I shall try in order to start living again I want to let go of what is unnecessary.  Letting go of what never can be now nor can be changed for it is long in the past.  I need to find whom I am becoming and letting go of what cannot be grasped now.  To grasp is can be is the main focus I need to work on and take that step even if it means getting hurt again but it also means find happiness as well.
 

Child's Voice.

Child's Voice.

     What kind of world is this?  A world where only those whom over look the problems of the guilty and pursue those whom are innocent?  I'm feeling that way as I watch the world go on without taking the time to push aside old rules to create new ones that are much needed these days.  When CPS goes to knock on a door after neighbors report seeing bruise's on their neighbors children and then walk away what does that say about us?  And a few nights later their Mother stabs their Father to death then attacks her oldest Daughter stabbing her and setting her on fire what then does that say about us?  Four Children, a Mother and Father didn't have to through that horror if those CPS people had intervened they would still be alive today.  Two children survived their oldest Daughter and one young son are left to wonder why their Mother did this.  She needed help and not through just prayer but through the doctor's whom could have given her counseling and medication for her postpartum depression.

     My Niece had just given birth to her first born child when the hospital called in CPS for no reason in my opinion.  Two years and a Daughter later she lost both children for taking her son into the emergency for a broken leg for which she is not sure how it happened.  He was born with a heart condition caused affected his breathing and not to have enough oxygen in his body to create a healthy bone growth which is only my opinion but quite possible.  For his first two days his feet were blue indicating not enough oxygen was getting to his feet and that affects bone making it more weaker.  But when CPS is called in by one's neighbor and leaving after the Mother refused to let them in and believe her when she says the kids are fine is some how terrible wrong.  Yet with my Niece would never hurt a child if I had ever felt she could I would never have allowed her to take home her Son and her Daughter was taken from the hospital.  CPS promised we would get them back, yeah right, NOT.  They were adopted out without a second thought of the pain it would cause my whole family.  Life may not be fair but we need to start making it more fair and hold those responsible for allowing a Mother to go untreated for postpartum depression and killing precious lives.  She died in the fire but she didn't need to pay that price either her cries for help went unheard and that is wrong as well.

     If you hear a cry for help reach out and give that help freely without fear and please helps us to change the way CPS does their job it time we watched them more closely.  If you think you're children are yours I have news for you they are not when someone in that powerful position decides you're a bad person you get them taken away or they get left in their home to be murdered.  We need to be the Child's voice of those living with abuse and those whom died from abuse.

   

Remember those whom left their words upon your heart.

Day of sorrow

     Today someone's cry went out to be heard around the world to touch hearts that they shall never see with their own eyes.  We gather to show our support for the loss of precious life but it is so unfortunate that we do not always take the time to stay bound together when laughter echoes out.  The angels took away small angelic voice's out of this world today bringing the ugliness of man's nature.  Man awaken's each days to write the days life story and once done is forgotten for it becomes the past.  Tomorrow is anew and begins again until the black clouds of another's actions cause ripples upon the waters of our life.  In truth those ripples are always present through out our entire life it is just they go unnoticed by our daily routines to provide shelter, clothes, food, and utilities that we need to operate our gadgets and gizmo's that help us walk through life.  Somewhere along the road we have forgotten not so long ago we survived without the gadgets of today.  As a computer addict I would not like living without my precious computer but I should spend less time in front of it then I do.  I am human after all and have issue's but taking out a weapon and using that weapon upon others whom never knew my name would be an unforgivable act.

     Small footprints are left upon the sands of time trying to not be forgotten long after the next set of footprints that will appear next to theirs.  How are we to stop the madness of another going into a school to let lose a blanket of bullets?  How are we to walk forward if we only come together when someone ends up taking a life?  Why can we not work together to keep that from happening?  There are no answers that I can give you for those questions for I do not know myself what it is that I can do.  My words flow through the cyber stream in prayers to touch one soul to cause one ripple that shall grow.  The more the ripples grown the more they can touch me back and to have those ripples touch my feet would be amazing to me.  It would be blessing to hear your small voice before it became tears echoing around the world after your tragic death is broadcast'd around the world.  I rather much hear your joy echoing around the world making others laugh along with you but we live in a world where death by violence happens but I extend my hand to you in hope you reach for it before reaching for a weapon.  I shall always wish to help you rise above the pain you are in for I too know pain and I am tired of the pain taking anyone's life.  We live in the world and it is time to rewrite the world to allow more light to shine through by whatever we can do to make it a better place to live.

A Thousand Miles

Thousand miles

     A thousand miles of walking has left me drained of energy and I am not sure that I can move forward anymore.  Time has stopped without warning leaving me frozen, unsure, alone, and reaching out into the emptiness only to find no one can see me.  Why?  A word screamed a thousand times that never receives any words back.  My mouth now opens without any flowing words able to escape past my pale worn lips.  I cannot move anymore and is there someone to move forward for?  No echoes throughout the space known as my mind and a river of despair rages through leaving me to deal with the aftermath.  I knew that walking life was not going to be easy for me but yet I choose to walk that thousand miles without knowing or caring about what was waiting for me at the end.  After all what does someone the world objects to having in there have to look forward to in life?  Nothing.

     Another thousand minutes have passed by without anyone noticing except me because when frozen in time you noticed things that others do not.  Or at least that was the impression I got back then and you know everything has a truth or a false within it especially my own self perception at the time fully how as time goes by you begin to see what it was you were blind to.  I'm moving again slowly but at least I am not moving forward because I have a reason to move.  I still stumble while walking the next thousand miles but I don't let it keep me frozen anymore I have a reason to keep walking.  ME, FAMILY, AND DEAR FRIENDS.  Those are very good reasons but mostly for me and there may be some of you thinking that is a bit self but in reality it is not for I have always placed others first and that cannot continue any longer.  How much can a person sacrifice for another without fully breaking into unfixable pieces?  Not long and I have a life, right to have that life, and no longer should I deny it to myself.  I was the one denying my life no one else held a gun to my head but along that path it started feeling as if I was the only one giving, caring, and in truth it was not the truth.  Our minds tell us something is true but it rarely is the truth of the situations we face each day as we walk our own journeys of life.  One step closer to find myself at the end of this life as I begin anew one upon leaving the body behind to nature the Earth.

     I would walk another thousand miles to find you for whom I should never have lost along the way of this journey.  I admit to being the one responsible for my words, actions in the past, and for those unspoken words and actions.  I shall now stand up even if life wants to throw me down into the mud once again but this time I shall pick myself up and clean myself off as I continue walking forward.  I may have been blessed with children, a man in my life, but I am still blessed to have all those in my life that I have now.  When our own time comes to leave this world we shall be reunited in the world for our love always binds us whether we like it or not.  I have moments I ask why I was bonded to you but in reality I know why because you are you and I am me whom love each other as we are.

Waterfall of tears.

Hurt and alone.

     Tears flow from my eyes hitting the cold ground turn into drops of ice.  My heart feels like an icicle was rammed through my heart causing my whole being to become this cold and cruel person.  How is it that I always feel like the one giving in, giving up, and giving none to myself?  I am trapped within a world where it feels like I am never right about anything or have the same life rights as others.  I'm trying to walk forward but do I have to truly keep falling down over and over again?  I hate having to doubt the progress I have made nor that if I can truly survive in this world or ours.  I want to be free of my demon known as me and become a friend whom is call me.  Guess that didn't make too much sense but what in life truly makes any sense these days.

     Healing paths are hard enough to walk but when someone cause's a waterfall of tears you start to feel why continue to walk this healing path.  More pain comes and more pain will always be waiting for me around the corner.  I know most of the way my life is now is because of my own fault because I never took the steps that I needed to take to have my own life.  I know that and admit to but I am not naive about never have been.  I knew what needed to be done never taking the chances have caused me to pay a price.  I accept that price know for the actions I took or didn't take back then.  I know that most of this is my fault for giving them a false impression about me and that I have to live with.  Why is it I always feel as a human without the same rights as them?  I shouldn't be feeling this way no one should and that fact is I don't like living this way.  It is not living anymore nor is it fair to me as well as to others.

     My Sister the other day said there are times she wished she was not a Mother but I doubt she knows how much it hurt to hear those words because I shall never have any of my own.  It hurts more than any words has hurt me.  I know just how much she loves those two kids of hers no matter what she would still have them as her children.  I was not blessed with children and even though it is hard I have to face it that I won't be lucky with finding the love of a man.  My life is how it is going to be and I cannot keep feeling like I am always wrong or right because it is not about that but to simply have them to understand my feelings is hard when they make me feel that my feelings don't matter.  When you make someone feel their feelings don't matter then you are saying they don't matter.  I MATTER THEY MATTER WE ALL MATTER IN LIFE AND NOW I AM TRYING TO MAKE MY LIFE MATTER TO ME TOO.

Family Dinner.

Family protrait

Today we sat down at the table as the poor turkey whom gave its life to sustain mine however the turkey was more lucky then I was.  When you sit at a dinner in my house the chances are you'll get a good show to go with the good food.  First begins Father asking this and that making the already raw nerves to almost disappear but don't get me wrong he means well.  I just   wish that his mind was healthy again that is something to truly be more thankful for that then anything else in the world.  We human's tend to be grateful after losing someone or something precious to us but being thankful should not have to happen after a loss.  We have pain but that doesn't mean we should not be thankful for life.  This family dinner may have seen Dad not having a good mental day but I'm still grateful that he is still with us.  As he grows older the less time we have together and I may complain about my family the reality is I'm more luckier then most.  I came from a family without verbal, physical, or sexual abuse even though I was sexually abuse the man was part of my family.  Oh don't get me wrong we fight have a bit of dysfunctional times but not the point it is unhealthy for us.  I know that we can have a healthy side and unhealthy side in everything in life.  Family is something to truly be grateful for even if they do make you ask the question: Why me, Lord?  Most important words for me are family, friends, and love but we often don't say love you enough so I ask this of you to always wake up saying I love you and go to bed saying I love you for life is something that is precious even if you don't feel like it is at this moment in time.  Especially during those times we don't feel so grateful is the time where we should fight even harder to be grateful once again.  The next time you have a family dinner whether it be on a holiday or just a ordinary one be thankful they are here enjoying good food and conversation with you.

Hand from above.

     One hand can reach millions of people whom will live a millennium from now and just the thought of that is amazing to me.  Most people over look the impact we have upon others lives and those whom we never meant to meet in our lifetime.  My life is my words flow upon the wind carrying parts of my being along with it as I reach out finding other's whom words have impacted upon my life.  I think one of the reasons I love history so much is learning about those whom lived in a period far different from my own.  It is fascinating to see how they lived and worked hard for what they needed in life where today I feel for myself that I do not work hard enough.  We have many hard working people today but I fear that I am not.  I believe that we decide our path in life and that it is not society that stops us form getting the kind of life we want to live.  We decide on whether or not to let society decide what we can or cannot do and that is not right.  We live our lives and no one else can that is just not possible.  Life is hard enough without someone stopping you from living that life especially if that person is you.  For so long I would not except another's hand nor did I feel that I needed help.  I walked my pain of my own free will in the end because I could not see the light out there shining upon me.  Actually I didn't want to see it and that to me is something that I needed to go through in order to see more clearly then before in other words to heal.  Life's journey has always been a welcomed journey for me but you know I decided to walk it the way I did without society telling me how to walk it.  I know others helped me make my decision through the act of rape, bullying, and being stereotyped but when all is said and done I made the sole choice to walk it.  To know you myself is to know more about myself as I continue to walk upon this journey of life.  We are not perfect nor do I wish for that anymore because what good is it to be perfect.  I want to keep on reaching for that I denied myself all my life to keep marching forward even if it means falling back down upon the ground.  I shall accept the hand from above and keep walking forward for life is worth living as long as I give it that worth.  I won't allow others to put a label upon me but I shall place one upon myself, ME.  We are learning from our first breath of life and even after our last breath for I believe that our Spirit does live on in a afterlife.  I choose to be the person whom I am today and will not to try to get back what I lost for that is not possible for me now.  

The wake words leave behind.

Imprints.

     Words we speak often leave a invisible imprint upon the person whom reads them even a hundred years from the written words you leave will touch someone you shall never meet.  Today someone left words upon my heart making me lose a bit more faith that we humans will change for the better and not continue to decline.  How can a person leave a grieving Mother a cruel message?  Yet it happened without a moment's thought the person left a scare upon a heart already scared from the loss of her young Son.  When words are meant to harm to slice deeper then any blade can and to mend what seems unmendable.  Life always will have the painful moments written upon your journey but I choose to use my words to heal not harm.  We all make that choice in our lives and for me having my words flow upon the wind freely should be done in a non harmful way.  I do not like others whom hurt me with their words and so I choose to not harm with mine when I can.  Life is painful enough without me adding to that pain and besides I'm too tired to keep living in my own pain.  It is too exhausting to stay in pain all the time while life is passing me by and others whom are truly living life.  I rather reach my potential then to waist this gift that I have been given by my parents and the Creator of life.  I'm learning more about myself as I walk this journey even though I should be the expert on me I cannot be so for everything and everyone that touches my life changes me.  Some are good and others are not so good but I shall choose to face what is thrown upon my path as best as I can.  After all that is far better then ignoring the pain and allowing the pain to eat at me which keeps me from enjoying the joys of life.  They are still many joys you just have to go exploring to find them and wipe away the gray clouds covering your view.  Find the path that allows you see the person whom laughs, smiles, and even cries but knows that this shall not chain them no longer.  I'm always going to walk forward from now on even if I get knocked on the butt.

Something's missing but do I need it or not?

Reflections.

Something was cut off before I knew what is was because I was only ten when it happened and as a adult I find that I don't know what most normal people know.  Life is a journey that I walk each day learning what I can along the way but what if something is cut before you have a chance to discover it when others discover it on their own?  I'm not sure but I do know that I'm reaching out to know whom this person who is the mirror's reflection.  How do you find the person you're seeking if you are not whole?  A journey filled of uncertainty and exploration into unknown territory for which I gladly shall walk.  Life is beautiful even though is has pain along the way of your journey.  I hadn't always seen that because of the piece's that were cut unknown to me at the time but now I wonder if it is possible to regain what was cut even though I do not know for sure what it was.  How can one go back in time to find those things that are lost before they were delivered?  Does it make my a incomplete person?  Perhaps not whom knows after all if I had what was cut would I be the same person now?  Chances are so maybe I should not focus on what is cut and lost forever but discover what is new and yet to be discovered about the person whom is me.  We never know why we walk our paths of pain and despair but without mine I feel the person looking back in the mirror would not be as kind or warm heart'd as a person.  There are trails of life that I could not ever imagine going through like the loss of a child that is a pain so deep that it never fully heals.  I was never blessed with a child of my own but for those whom are I say this always cherish that child no matter whether they are good or bad at times.  Life is short and no one knows when that life ends and always loving those around you is a gift in itself.  

Words fly upon wings of an Angel.

     Last night a Mother said the hardest words anyone can say to someone especially to her Son whom only lived for 19 short years in this world.  How does one explain to her that there is a good reason for the death of her child?  There aren't any words to say that can ease her pain nor give her the reason why her Son had to return to spirit long before her time comes.  She won't hear those most important words from him again, I LOVE YOU MOM.  Even though she won't be able to see him grow into a good man I'm sure he's saying to her right now, THANK YOU MOM FOR MY LIFE AND I SHALL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.  He says those words with the smile he proudly should off when he walked among us.  She saw his face soon after his first breath praying not see his last but she finds herself  here for his last breath asking God, why.  But his spirit is flying high around her now holding onto the beautiful woman whom graced him by being his Mother.  The Father whom he thought had been lost years ago now embrace's him with all his being welcoming back the gift he too help create.  They may lost their body but their Spirit shall never be lost and is free to fly a new journey in life one where one day we too will be taking.  For now our separation is hard upon us but we walk on knowing that is what they want for us to do and to meet once again.  Whether we like it or not we are all where we are needed right at this moment in time.

     I have come so far that it is too late for me not to keep going forward and most of my life I was faced down giving up the fight for the life I was given from the parents whom love each other and me.  I pray to give them the wish of dying after they leave this plane of existence but we also know that life doesn't always give you what you want.  This July my body gave me a sign that it could very well give my parents the grief of losing me but as you can see I'm still here and very thankful for another birthday.  No knows their expiration date but what counts the most is the journey they lived while here in your life.  Thank you for walking by my side and helping me write my journey of life.  Thank you Great Spirit for all whom you have guided to me in my life whether they be good or bad I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

     Grief may have my friend this night and nothing is ever going to fully erase that because of the deep love they shared as a Mother and as a Son.  That red string cannot be broken unless you're the one that cuts it and I don't see her doing that ever.  Listen to wind and hear the songs of the love that is always flying upon the wings of an Angel.  Hear him whispering to you in the time that will come when you feel like losing faith and hope he shall rise you up and push you forward.

     There are no words to comfort you but I'm trying to and know that you're always going to be close to my heart even though we lost touch as adults and only remember how we were in high school but hopefully that will change we are the author's of our own lives.  My heart flies out to you and prays you will not stay lost on the path of grief for too long.

 












  .

Footprints left behind

Footprints.

As my left foot steps forward my right is hesitant to move forward without fearing of being hurt by the harsh world.  My left foot has not hesitation about entering the world for it has been through much pain already and survived.  Though it is still hard to face each day as each person leaves their footprint behind upon your soul. leaving its mark forever.  I have many good footprints left upon my being but those that are not are far more deeper then I show.  Some of my close friends are aware of my unusual gift of mine but they only know how it affects me a little bit.  The imprints that people leave upon most people usually fade in time because they are rare occurrence's in our life but mine always repeat because I can feel them every day.  I feel other's emotion's leaving their own imprints and those of strangers too.  I know when death is coming before the person shows signs of death within their body.  I'm sounding as if I am bragging but that is not something someone should brag about.

Choice's of words

Write your words wisely.

Words can either do harm or heal a person and often we tell others to choose their words carefully but should we always be careful?  Life is a story that is written by the author's whom live that life from their birth until they take their last breath.  I wonder if truly walking on eggs shells around people does any good or truly does harm toward the person whom should hear your word flow freely without restriction.  Life brought me to a path where words made me want to quit, showed me how cold I was getting again, and that my words should not be restricted to what others feel they should be.  My world revolves around words in order to show the world whom I am as a person which I often hide through my appearance.  I have learned that we need to say what needs to be said whether it hurts someone's feelings or not but if they do harm another I shall take full responsibility for my actions.  No matter what I will always take the responsibility of what I do in this life.