Let it hurt

Hurting.

     Let it hurt, let it hurt, and feel that pain with every fiber of your being.  It bleeds to the point it never stops and I'm tired and weary of this life.  Those were the feeling I felt long ago and every now and then they reappear not as strong but strong enough to throw my life into a pool of hurt.  The pain is part of all life but some people experience extreme physical and emotional pain to the pain they just want to stop the hurt by ending their life.  Physical pain is so hard to deal with and truly makes a person truly suffer in life.  How can we expect someone whom is physically in pain 24/7 to have a life worth living?  I'm sure but I do know how much I hate hearing people suffering physical and emotional pain to the point they     feel death is the only option they are left with.  It is so cruel to watch them suffer day after day and making me feel so helpless to stop their pain.  Yes, I accept pain in life but my own pain and if I could take on the pain of others I would do so in a heart beat.  But I cannot do that so what is it that I can do to help other then listening?  Be a good friend through listening, supporting, and caring after all that is very important to do for someone.

     A realization came to me today about some of the things that I found out were hurting me after all and truthfully it was not something I wanted to know but needed to know.  Actually I think I probably already knew guess the truth is I didn't want to admit it nor face it.  I want to feel equally cared about, loved, and acknowledge that same as the rest of my family is by everyone except my Mom.  Mom has been the only one whom knows how much I placed others needs before my own and honestly I wanted it that way at first but now I'm so tired of being placed last.  It hurts more then I thought it would and what hurts more is that I need to give the things I need and want to myself now.  No one else should be forced to do that for me anymore it is not fair to them but most of all not fair to me.  Why is there such a need to feel wanted, loved, and needed by others and not have those feelings for myself?  Why do I need to 100% fit into their life?  I want to just love them for whom they are not want any object to show me they love them but to feel it with the words they say.  I truly don't feel that love through their words or actions toward me but that is me not them right?  Honestly don't know anymore and being the type whom always has to ask questions and seeks the answers has made some of my journey harder then it needs to be.

      A wise person would say disturbing what lies peacefully beneath calm waters does not mean it will always have a bad result sometimes in order to see the calmness you first need to see the chaos.  I have most definitely stirred the calm waters all my life and now there are both calm and ravaged.  Balance in life is what I am seeking along with trying to find out some of my answers to why.  Whom am I?  I wonder if that question can ever truly be answered because we are always changing as we grow, experience life, and those whom impact our lives.  Each minute we are changing and we may not see it right away but it is there adding to the person we are.  I guess the only thing I can do is keep searching and see what I learn about myself along with dealing with my issue's as best as I can.  After all isn't that any of us can to is to live as best as they can?  I would love comments but since I never get any I do hope that my words help me at least.                                                                                                                                      

Live or Die is the question.

Life and Death

     Lately I am hearing why live anymore because life is nothing but painful and keeps getting more painful as I go on.  Why have you lived this long?  Seems to throw them off for a second but do they truly answer the question?  Perhaps or not but for me I know that I never could answer with anything but why did I have to suffer all my life with this?  I answered it with a unanswerable question as I always seem to do with everything I face in my life but staying around to find those answers gives me a small reason to keep going on.  I was known for so long as the walking dead for I was not alive on the inside only on the outside.  I never made the effort to make my life any better I always keep saying why bother when things won't change?  In truth thing won't change when you don't make them change and when you do change it still takes hard work to live life.  I never made the effort saw no reason to but that was because I never gave myself a reason for changing it.  I felt that I deserved the pain I was in because of feeling like it was all my own fault.  No is at fault for being a victim of any kind of violence against another nor did we ask for this pain we are given.  But that does not mean we are being punished or that life is 100% unfair because we are own writer's in life we can decide to make this pain disappear through hard work, support, and the will to find what has been denied by others and what we deny ourselves.

     No deserves physical illness, mental illness, or even abuse of any kind and it is only natural to ask then why do we suffer so much pain?  Why not?  What makes you any different from other humans?  Do you think they don't suffer pain either or have a better life then you?  Just because someone looks happy on the outside doesn't mean they truly are happy.  One never knows what goes on behind another's closed door because you only know what goes on behind your own.  We always compare ourselves to others and in the end we truly do not be ourself nor do we try to find the true person that lies within our pain.  Taking a journey to find my true self has taken about ten years so far and you know what it takes a lifetime to find your whole self because you're growing and changing like the rest of us.  The person in the past is not her anymore only the memories of her remain floating upon the rivers of my minds eye.

     The only truth I have right now is the person I am now whom is walking a path of wanting to live for me and because the man whom stole my innocence doesn't deserve to take anymore of me.  I live because there is more for me to do here on Earth more to see, feel, experience, and discover for life is a journey I am not ready to give up on yet.  Why should I end my life because someone else destroyed it?  Answer is I should not give anymore to him nor allowed another to fall to their prey.  I will try to help others whom are already scared and wanting to give up on life to free them from this pain.  I believe that to free one from pain is to stop your fears, find your self worth, and to walk beside those you love.  What I say is not easy nor am I saying to get over I am saying work through it fight on and one day regain an new life one that is much happier then how right now feels.  I have tried taking my life a couple times but I am glad to be here today even though I am struggling that does not mean that life isn't worth living to me for it is worth it now due to I am working on making it worth living.  We give power to others but fail to give it ourselves that is what I am trying to do balance them and me out to where I'm a healthier person.  Not easy but with my support groups, counselor, and good friends I know that I shall continue on this journey until my life span runs out on its own.