Keeper of the Pain.

The Keeper.

      There is someone most people don't know exists but they feel the effects of the object they keep.  It is an object no one wants to keep but we do have a keeper for it.  I guess the keeper’s job is to keep the pain for what reason I do not know.  Why would anyone want to be the keeper of pain?  I bet you are wondering how I know that there is a keeper of pain.  Well, that is simple because I am one and it is someone that I never wanted to be.  Why must I collect the pain of others along with my own?  Pain can flow like a raging river wiping out everything it touches and includes me.  I am so tired of the river of pain that flows into my being leaving a wake of destruction within my soul.  I beg of thee of Great Spirit release me of this burden.  I just want to be able to not feel the pain of others and only deal with my own pain.  Is that too much for me to ask of you Great Spirit?  I rarely ask for myself and I know that many of my loved ones would say I should ask for myself more often but I just cannot bring myself to do that.  I must put others before myself and I ponder if the reason for that is it because I am the keeper of the pain.  As the keeper I ask of you, what I am to do with this pain?  I ask because I do not know nor do I know why there is a need for someone to take the pain of others into their own being.  The path of pain is one  all humans walk upon it is part of our life but there are those that cannot beat the pain and move on.  I take that pain and make it my own however the truth is I don't know if that helps them or not.  They are unaware that I have even taken on their pain nor do I always know it until later.  Their pain flows up exploding upon the innocent people that surround me in my life and that is unfair to them.  Again I turn to you, Great Spirit to guide me to the answers I need.  I know you will not guide me to the answers I want but to  those that I need to find the path that I should be on.  Most pray to for the things they want or need but what we think what we need at the time is not always what we truly need.  I need to find a way off this road of being a pain keeper but something tells me that is not what you have in mind.

     This road is rocky, crumbling, and ancient but it will still carry the strength of those whom are not afraid to walk upon it.  I am not sure that I feel fear or courageous when walking it because when you are a keeper of the pain you begin to stop feeling emotions or anything.  This path is silent now but the river of emotions still flows but without a sound.  A keeper's journey is one that is walked alone without another's company and that is a price I guess one does pay.  My pain goes unheard by others because I keep it locked within every fiber of my being but I do not hide it from others they just cannot clearly see my pain.  My pain becomes intertwined with the pain of those that I gather from as I walk this road of life.  I'm shrouded in a cloak of misleading emotions from people that my family and friends haven't met.  I keep trying to remove it but it seems to stick to me like a second piece of skin.  If only I were a snake that could shed it for good but even a snake grows back their skin and with my luck I would grow this one back as well.

     Where can I get off?  Should I get off this road of being a pain keeper?  The last question was one that I never thought I would ask myself but here I am asking it.  I'm done, trying to find the answer to questions that are not meant to be answered.  I keep walking forward with the pain of others along with my own pain for which I become more broken with each step.  I'm broken to the point repair seems impossible to me.

     New pain has arrived piercing my heart so deep that I want to not walk this path of life anymore but I shall not take my own life but just let go and move on until it runs out.  This pain is from losing the most wonderful, loving Mother anyone could have.  Now you are lost to me Mom and where do I go from here after we lose Dad?  I know that I should have been better prepared for the day I would not have my parents any more but I didn't and I take responsibility for my lack of actions.  However my heart aches for you to come back to me and tell me that it is going to okay and that I can walk on my own feet.  This pain is indescribable even to another person who has lost a Mother they loved dearly because they are not me and I am not them.  Now what can I do with this pain?  There is no other keeper of the pain to give this too and I would not give it to another.  Then the question becomes, what do I do with this unfathomable pain of mine?  I want to end this cycle of never-ending nothingness that keeps me bound to this tenebrous path.

     People live their lives walking around with pain but their path is not always as painful as another's pain.  Life has pain and whether we like it or not there are some of us whom will always feel others pain on top of our own.  Can we have a life without pain?  I doubt it but having less of it would be great unfortunately since there are people willing to do harm to another we keepers of the pain will always feel others’ pain.  Why do I keep this pain then is a good question but you know there are things we do for unknown reasons at the time.  I’m deciding to find out why.  Maybe that sounds like an impossible accomplishment to do but you know it stokes a small fire within me to keep walking forward.  I guess that being the keeper of the pain is a part of what I am meant to be in this life however that doesn't mean it is always a bad thing.  I started this feeling that it was a bad thing but now as I finish this my feelings have change.  Now I shall see where this path goes and perhaps see if it can do some good.

     Pain is survivable and is a part of life whether we want it to be or not but there is a purpose for it although we may never know why.  I don't know the reason for mine or for feeling of others but I do know that I can learn to release it without doing harm.  Accepting the pain doesn't mean that you hold onto it until it makes you sick.  Yet that is what I am doing is hanging onto the pain of my Mother's death and the slow death of my Father due to dementia.  Why does being in the physical make it hard to let go of what needs letting go?  Keepers of the pain tend to hold on tight I feel because we feel the pain all humans carry along with our own.  This path is one I shall walk until my very last breath on Earth and along the way try to release what should have never been held onto.  I'm still as human as you so time will tell if I can do this or if I want to release it.  Walk your path knowing that there is reason your life has gone down the roads it has taken and know you do not walk alone.

Love & Light.