Negativity in the World Today.

Negativity.

     Recently I have been posting to the yahoo news feeds about stories that catch in my interest and I find the comments more interesting then the story most of the time due to the negative remarks people are willing to make. I made a comment of Liftetime's movie about the late singer Aailyah and what I commented on was the ending in which was the only part of the movie I saw. Apparently she was involved with a man whom was in his mid twenties and supposedly married her when she was only 15 but someone gentlemen replied in a most unkind manner. He implied I was saying I was for old men molesting/raping young girls when in fact how would I say that if I hadn't known that part of the story? His righteous attitude justified him telling me to go kill myself and that he hopes my own 15 year old Daughter had a man molest/rape her. I said I had that happen to me already at the age of ten then I stated I only commented on the ending that I had not seen the part of the movie his was referring too. Yet, I am told to end my life and he hoped a child of mine would be molested and he wants me to think he's the good person here. NO! He is not justified telling anyone to end their life and someone whom is not as emotionally healthy as I am which is not as healthy as I like to be but still they would do what this man told them to do. Sad thing is the person ending their life on his words would be fully blamed and the one speaking those words innocent and of responsibility of his words. He is responsible for the impact his negative words have upon another. I fully take responsibility for my own words.

     Do think if you call someone a monster then turn around telling someone to kill themselves and hope a child becomes a victim and think it makes you appear to be the good guy? NO IT DOESN'T! I have been a person whom has been negative most of my life and now I'm looking back at those times in order to move forward in a more healthier direction. I'm tired of being negative about life and especially towards myself with my own self verbal abuse which I still do once in a while but I am slowly getting past that. I may not want to see how negative the world is but I also know that the world is always going to have negative things in for the rest of my life and into the next generation. What good does it do to avoid it when its part of life? I tried avoiding it once and found out that it is always going to be there so I decided to change how I react to the negativity that is thrown at me.  Instead of giving into it and agree with others as well I found myself letting them say what they wanted but I would not respond in anger nor will I allow their words to do me harm.

      People throw their words out like it was absolute truth when that is truly impossible especially though online social media.  I find the cruelty of their words impact upon my friends and  their responding with anger which only seems to fuel those accusing my friends of things that are untrue.  Just like Bill Crosby I cannot say he's innocent nor guilty for I am not he nor he me.  Telling someone to end their live isn't someone whom is a caring person or doing the right thing.  Nor is someone whom threatens to end their life and go get help you are crazy anyway is not the right attitude either for that makes a person feel as if you are uncaring and cold heart'd.  We cannot truly know each other through a small post on a topic only through reaching out to a person and actually chatting with them can we start learning about whom they are.  We are the tools we used to build connections, relationships, and bonds of love have gone?  I wish that I knew because we seem to have lost them these days or we just don't want to use them either way we need to stop being so judgmental that we attack more innocent people then taking the right action to prevent the guilty from continuing to do harm.

     My only advice against someone else's negative words is to say. 'do you feel better now if so good because now I'm happy to have helped you feel better about yourself.  Trying to not allow their words to hurt isn't easy but reminding yourself that you are a good person and one that is worthy of life.  No one else but yourself can take that feeling away and I mean if you allow their negative words to come alive through your believing them then you are doing the damage now.  They began the damage but you keep it going by believing in those words and you do not deserve to make their words come alive you are a worthy human being because you have a beautiful heart, soul, and survived more then anyone should have been exposed to in life.  Those whom have faith in a higher being (God) also need to know that having faith in you as well is something that can make your life better.  If you don't believe in a higher being that is fine as long as you have faith in whom you are and do what is right by yourself as for your fellow man.  I'm working on that in my own life nothing is that easy but removing the one enemy that is always going to stand in your way is a start and that enemy is ourself.  I'm still fighting myself but my good and true friends are walking beside me saying you're not alone we believe in you.  Now believe in yourself too because I hate walking this path alone and I know so do you.  Watch for how your words affect others but more important how they truly affect yourself and I mean your own words not just others.

Aftermath of a celebrity's Death.

Tear of sadness.

     August 11, 2014 the world awoke to the death of actor Robin Williams whom committed suicide by hanging.  As usual awareness for mental illness once again rose to the top of line but it saddens me to see that only when a celebrity dies that awareness for any illness comes into light.  No one will know for sure why he committed suicide but one reason may have been his diagnose's of Parkinson's disease.  I have many ailments that I deal with and Diabetes is one of them but despite that fact no one wants to face any illness doesn't mean they should give up on living a wonderful life. We all face things in life that feel so devastating but there are people whom face much worse situations then I do with with courage and still lets the world know that today sucks to point I want to give up but I won't.  They fight hard against the hands they were dealt with and even show their true self in bad times.  No one ever said life was fair but people these days seem to only the unfair parts of life and refuse to see any of the wondrous things that life has.  If Michael J. Fox gave up on his life he would not be seeing how his wonderful family is growing, learning, and living their own life.  He would have missed out on a great deal that life has to offer and I imagine there have been times he wanted to know why this disease had to hit him.  I would be surprised if one hadn't ever thought about giving up after getting a diagnose's they never wanted to hear.  I keep going not for just my family but for myself first and foremost.

     Mental illness has existed since man first took a step upon this Earth of ours and yet we turn a blinds eye to it among other things as well.  I'm tired of turning blind eyes for that doesn't help those whom face those hardships in life.  It seems we humans have to wait until a tragic event before we get involved once again in the matters that are important.  For people whom are withing the darkness of depression we are fight it every day and we too lose so many of our fighters to the enemy known as suicide.  We are in a different war but a war none the less for which goes unseen by the ones whom don't have to fight it.  Sometimes I am glad they are not fellow warriors but others I want them to see and understand we just cannot get over it like most tell us too.  What makes them think we haven't tried that before?  We are wondering through the darkest of darkness without any light and here you go telling us to just get over it.  Do they realize how cold heart'd that makes them appear to be in our eyes?  Not everything is so easy in life but we can find a way to make it much easier by learning about our depression and ways to fight it.  It will be a long road but it is not impossible if you believe it to be so and for many years I too thought it impossible until I realized that it was me whom had made it that way.  I also know that those whom have a much more serious mental illness will have it much more impossible until we can find a treatment that works without the bad side affects.  I keep all human beings in my prayers because I don't want anyone to become a new solider in this war but there will be.

     I recently read a article about a woman whom said suicide is not a selfish act but in my heart as someone whom lost a friend to suicide I strongly disagree.  She denied herself finding what wondrous things would have come into her life if only she sought help to find her own depression.  It made me go back and reflect about my own attempt at suicide and now it is clear how selfish the attempt was and if it had succeeded.  For me causing the pain of grief to another is a cruel act because no loving parent, child, or sibling wants to go through the loss of someone they love without knowing why they felt the need to end their life.  A flowing stream of guilt is left behind for them to drown in without hope of ever being able to know what they could have done differently or why they couldn't see the signs.  I became a person whom could place a fake smile upon my lips or hide behind the world of my writing in order for no one to see the streaming of tears rolling down worn out cheeks.  Most people don't understand you become a person of illusions that can fool even the best of magician's.  We even get to the point we begin to fool ourselves making the darkness grow beyond your own being.  It felt like an empty space without light or anyone else floating around me which became my normal way of living after 30 years.  Mysterious Universe's are not meant to be here on Earth but that is where I was at and even though I didn't realize it at first I felt that part of me placed myself in that Universe.  I wanted to be safe from the monster whom took something no person has a right to take away from a 10 yr old girl whom could not understand the world of adults that well.

     I survived but part of me shall always be stained with the memory of what one person did to me and the scares left behind from the darkness.  I walk in the light along with the darkness but I don't fully live in it anymore and for some of us they are still trapped there so I extend my hand out to them and help them to pull themselves out of it.  When I hear the words, 'get it over already' it makes me extremely mad because they don't seem to feel like you have tried just that but you simply cannot that easily.  For some the chemicals in our brains are off balance for people like me a trauma affected my emotional state of being.  Over half my life I ran away from the emotional turmoil I lived in day in and day out until I found strength I thought was not there.  I started to bring my words life and detach the words that held me down like a prisoner chained to a wall.  It took a long time before it dawned on me that my own words good or bad would help me determine which path my life would take.  Those dark paths despite being painful have helped me to become a better person because it taught me many lesson I don't think that I would have learned any other way from.

     During the time of grief many will say you need to be strong for the spouse of the one whom has died but that doesn't mean not allowing your own grief to be placed aside for another.  You see we often miss interrupt the word STRONG!  Being strong doesn't mean you place your own emotions last and another's first especially when it comes to grief because we all go through that differently.  Robin's family has been put through enough now it is their time to grieve without our eyes watching or telling them to be strong for his widow.  They need to come together and be there for each other whether a bad time or not.  Being with someone saying I'm here and I love you can give another more strength then one realize's.  Walk our path of life and even though I don't feel suicide is ever the answer to anyone's type of pain because I believe we can find a way to stop the pain while here on Earth.  Won't be easy but I stopped telling myself that it is impossible to stop one's pain.  Our words make our reality and for me I shall continue to march onward until the Great Spirit decides to take me home again.  Anyone whom is thinking about suicide please call a hot line or someone for you are not alone we are always walking by each other's side.  Bless you all.  Love & Light.

     

Gone is the friend I knew.

Left alone.

     I'm sitting here, breathing, heart beating, mind racing, and wondering why in the blazes you found it easy to leave me in this pain.  A pain you knew would be left upon my soul, body, and spirit but yet you chose to take away something that was precious to me and it should have been just as precious to you. Your life was precious and loved by me as a friend, a Sister, and more then words can express.  My tears are flowing along side the rage of anger that goes with it.  Questions roam into my quiet mind's domain demanding their answers for which I have not.  Was I truly such a awful friend that you could not come to me in your time of need?  Did I leave you behind without realizing it?  What was so painful that made you feel so trapped that nothing could ever break you free except the Grim reaper?  I shall ever find a path that can take me back in time to say to you. 'I shall wrap you in my warm arms and onto you not letting you fall.'  I always hold my hands to others but perhaps I did not toward you or you felt that I hadn't and in truth I do not know.

     My whole life has been painful and not many knew just how much for I wore a pretty good mask that fooled everyone in my life including myself.  I have learned about myself this past year through another's eyes and a total stranger's eyes.  Whom is the stranger one might ask and the answer may surprise you to the point you would sternly not believe it possible.  The stranger I am talking about is none other then myself and that is Great Spirit's (God's) honest truth.  We say nobody can know us better then ourselves but we tend to forget that we refuse to fully see our true self and therefore only see a small fraction of the person that lies within our vessel called the body.  I believe that when we are in pain there is the pain of the body, mind, and spirit but when death finally arrives we are released from the physical pain and that of the mind.  When I say the mind I mean the physical illness that attacks our minds but the emotional which I believe is the pain our spirit feels for which we take with us at the time of our death.  I want to resolve as much as I can while still breathing, heart beating. and body moving forward with each new step I take.

     I wondered around for years trying to find answers to questions no one should have to ask but we are forced to from the hands of another whom took it upon themselves to make you a victim of his twisted violent act.  Throwing the innocence you had into a pit of darkness that feels like light cannot penetrate into your core.  As the anger arise's from this pit I have found it is having a positive side affect this time and most may think, she is crazy but everything shall always have more then one side to it.  For me it has opened up a new venue for me in my writing, soul searching journey, and opening to my eyes that we cannot fully realize the change that is possible as we grow each day with each step.  Maybe I should thank you instead of being angry but I am still angry for today as for tomorrow it is yet to be written.  Seek out those whom are walking a similar path and extend their hands out to them.  Catch them before they fall and if you are not meant to catch them on my side then catch them on yours.  We all have a purpose in the living world and the world of Spirits.  Allow me to  be angry, to just feel in the moment because that is all I can do right now is just to feel the here and now.  I shall always hold you in my heart, scold you for unanswered questions, and regret losing touch with you.  Until we meet again watch out for the ones whom are hanging by a thread and be their life lind and dear friend as you are to me.  Bye for now my Dear Friend Brenda until we meet once more.