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| Journeys |
When did we lose sight of each other? I am not sure when or how but your absence is a constant pain reminding me we are apart. It was not my choice to part with you but another decided that you shouldn't be in my life. How cruel is that? How cold and lonely it feels without you here to support, listen, and make me laugh out of the blue. As the whirlwind of dust began calming down after you left the piece's were not fitting in place. I couldn't understand how simple it was for you to just leave without any sign of feeling sorrow about us parting. Do you even miss me? I wonder if you do or don’t but you won't talk to me. I need to give you one last message so that I may try to close this chapter. My heart though is heavy because you slammed a door because of what someone else told you about me without me trying to explain my side. I didn't lie to you and neither did your friend but what she interpreted was not the truth. In my faith I believe the messages we receive from Great Spirit is absolute truth however or interpretation of that message isn't. We are human with many different interpretations of a single word. But my fears are trying to take over and the dark shadows of doubt are trying to sneak back in. I know you do not know just how much you hurt me and set my healing back a few steps. In my mind it is okay to step back now and then but in my heart it hurts so much that it breaks more each time it happens.
As a child I would not socialize with other people because of two reasons, one was that I had a secret that no one could ever find out about. The second is I was not like normal people because I can sense other people's emotions and illness within the human body. My appearance didn't exactly make me invisible in fact it made others tease and bully me. I survived but that was what I had thought after school had ended for me. In truth I didn't survive emotionally and in time that became quite clear to me that it was time to face the past. I had to face my abuser and no, it is not another person but it turned out that I became my own verbal abuser. We always think the abuser is someone other then ourselves but that is not true. I’m a good example of self verbal abuse. I began calling myself stupid, ugly, worthless, and unlovable which I didn't need to convince myself it was true I already believed it. I began believing it after I was around 15 when my molester stopped. I know when he started molesting but honestly I cannot tell you when for sure he stopped. It sounds strange but you often hear fellow victims always remembering when it began but not when it stopped. We were too happy it ended for us to care to note the day our pain ended but we acknowledge when the pain began. Ironic isn't it? It is only logical to remember the day your nightmare ended and to forget when it started.
It was only about two years ago that I finally started to use my voice for the first time and then you slashed my heart. It made me feel that I had no rights to even speak out and it was the same feeling I had as a child. I always felt as a human without the same basic rights as others had. Every time I would try to exercise my rights I was told not to. It was a feeling that I thought was gone for good but you showed me it wasn't. Now what am I to do? Give up or fight? I want to fight for our friendship but if I do part of me is going to feel like I'm forcing you to be my friend. I don't want to force anyone to do anything they don't want because I know what it was like to have something forced upon me. No child should have an adult male molest/rape a child at any age. No one should have placed me into a nightmare world but there was some good that came out of it and that was your friendship. I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow except keep walking my journey and pray for guidance I need to help me walk it. I always believed Great Spirit didn't create me to 100% lean on Great Spirit but for me to grow as Great Spirit watched over. My life is what is and nothing will make me erase anything that has happened to me. I'm grateful we were brought together for a brief moment but I pray you are well and that you are continuing to reach out to others. You can help someone see there is life and that death doesn't have to be the only answer to end the pain. May Great Spirit keep guiding you to your life's journey.
Love & Light.
