Keeper of the Pain.

The Keeper.

      There is someone most people don't know exists but they feel the effects of the object they keep.  It is an object no one wants to keep but we do have a keeper for it.  I guess the keeper’s job is to keep the pain for what reason I do not know.  Why would anyone want to be the keeper of pain?  I bet you are wondering how I know that there is a keeper of pain.  Well, that is simple because I am one and it is someone that I never wanted to be.  Why must I collect the pain of others along with my own?  Pain can flow like a raging river wiping out everything it touches and includes me.  I am so tired of the river of pain that flows into my being leaving a wake of destruction within my soul.  I beg of thee of Great Spirit release me of this burden.  I just want to be able to not feel the pain of others and only deal with my own pain.  Is that too much for me to ask of you Great Spirit?  I rarely ask for myself and I know that many of my loved ones would say I should ask for myself more often but I just cannot bring myself to do that.  I must put others before myself and I ponder if the reason for that is it because I am the keeper of the pain.  As the keeper I ask of you, what I am to do with this pain?  I ask because I do not know nor do I know why there is a need for someone to take the pain of others into their own being.  The path of pain is one  all humans walk upon it is part of our life but there are those that cannot beat the pain and move on.  I take that pain and make it my own however the truth is I don't know if that helps them or not.  They are unaware that I have even taken on their pain nor do I always know it until later.  Their pain flows up exploding upon the innocent people that surround me in my life and that is unfair to them.  Again I turn to you, Great Spirit to guide me to the answers I need.  I know you will not guide me to the answers I want but to  those that I need to find the path that I should be on.  Most pray to for the things they want or need but what we think what we need at the time is not always what we truly need.  I need to find a way off this road of being a pain keeper but something tells me that is not what you have in mind.

     This road is rocky, crumbling, and ancient but it will still carry the strength of those whom are not afraid to walk upon it.  I am not sure that I feel fear or courageous when walking it because when you are a keeper of the pain you begin to stop feeling emotions or anything.  This path is silent now but the river of emotions still flows but without a sound.  A keeper's journey is one that is walked alone without another's company and that is a price I guess one does pay.  My pain goes unheard by others because I keep it locked within every fiber of my being but I do not hide it from others they just cannot clearly see my pain.  My pain becomes intertwined with the pain of those that I gather from as I walk this road of life.  I'm shrouded in a cloak of misleading emotions from people that my family and friends haven't met.  I keep trying to remove it but it seems to stick to me like a second piece of skin.  If only I were a snake that could shed it for good but even a snake grows back their skin and with my luck I would grow this one back as well.

     Where can I get off?  Should I get off this road of being a pain keeper?  The last question was one that I never thought I would ask myself but here I am asking it.  I'm done, trying to find the answer to questions that are not meant to be answered.  I keep walking forward with the pain of others along with my own pain for which I become more broken with each step.  I'm broken to the point repair seems impossible to me.

     New pain has arrived piercing my heart so deep that I want to not walk this path of life anymore but I shall not take my own life but just let go and move on until it runs out.  This pain is from losing the most wonderful, loving Mother anyone could have.  Now you are lost to me Mom and where do I go from here after we lose Dad?  I know that I should have been better prepared for the day I would not have my parents any more but I didn't and I take responsibility for my lack of actions.  However my heart aches for you to come back to me and tell me that it is going to okay and that I can walk on my own feet.  This pain is indescribable even to another person who has lost a Mother they loved dearly because they are not me and I am not them.  Now what can I do with this pain?  There is no other keeper of the pain to give this too and I would not give it to another.  Then the question becomes, what do I do with this unfathomable pain of mine?  I want to end this cycle of never-ending nothingness that keeps me bound to this tenebrous path.

     People live their lives walking around with pain but their path is not always as painful as another's pain.  Life has pain and whether we like it or not there are some of us whom will always feel others pain on top of our own.  Can we have a life without pain?  I doubt it but having less of it would be great unfortunately since there are people willing to do harm to another we keepers of the pain will always feel others’ pain.  Why do I keep this pain then is a good question but you know there are things we do for unknown reasons at the time.  I’m deciding to find out why.  Maybe that sounds like an impossible accomplishment to do but you know it stokes a small fire within me to keep walking forward.  I guess that being the keeper of the pain is a part of what I am meant to be in this life however that doesn't mean it is always a bad thing.  I started this feeling that it was a bad thing but now as I finish this my feelings have change.  Now I shall see where this path goes and perhaps see if it can do some good.

     Pain is survivable and is a part of life whether we want it to be or not but there is a purpose for it although we may never know why.  I don't know the reason for mine or for feeling of others but I do know that I can learn to release it without doing harm.  Accepting the pain doesn't mean that you hold onto it until it makes you sick.  Yet that is what I am doing is hanging onto the pain of my Mother's death and the slow death of my Father due to dementia.  Why does being in the physical make it hard to let go of what needs letting go?  Keepers of the pain tend to hold on tight I feel because we feel the pain all humans carry along with our own.  This path is one I shall walk until my very last breath on Earth and along the way try to release what should have never been held onto.  I'm still as human as you so time will tell if I can do this or if I want to release it.  Walk your path knowing that there is reason your life has gone down the roads it has taken and know you do not walk alone.

Love & Light.

Life's Journey

Journeys

 

     When did we lose sight of each other?  I am not sure when or how but your absence is a constant pain reminding me we are apart.  It was not my choice to part with you but another decided that you shouldn't be in my life.  How cruel is that? How cold and lonely it feels without you here to support, listen, and make me laugh out of the blue.  As the whirlwind of dust began calming down after you left the piece's were not fitting in place.  I couldn't understand how simple it was for you to just leave without any sign of feeling sorrow about us parting.  Do you even miss me?  I wonder if you do or don’t but you won't talk to me.  I need to give you one last message so that I may try to close this chapter.  My heart though is heavy because you slammed a door because of what someone else told you about me without me trying to explain my side.  I didn't lie to you and neither did your friend but what she interpreted was not the truth.  In my faith I believe the messages we receive from Great Spirit is absolute truth however or interpretation of that message isn't.  We are human with many different interpretations of a single word.  But my fears are trying to take over and the dark shadows of doubt are trying to sneak back in.  I know you do not know just how much you hurt me and set my healing back a few steps.  In my mind it is okay to step back now and then but in my heart it hurts so much that it breaks more each time it happens.  

     As a child I would not socialize with other people because of two reasons, one was that I had a secret that no one could ever find out about.  The second is I was not like normal people because I can sense other people's emotions and illness within the human body.  My appearance didn't exactly make me invisible in fact it made others tease and bully me.  I survived but that was what I had thought after school had ended for me.  In truth I didn't survive emotionally and in time that became quite clear to me that it was time to face the past.  I had to face my abuser and no, it is not another person but it turned out that I became my own verbal abuser.  We always think the abuser is someone other then ourselves but that is not true.  I’m a good example of self verbal abuse. I began calling myself stupid, ugly, worthless, and unlovable which I didn't need to convince myself it was true I already believed it.  I began believing it after I was around 15 when my molester stopped.  I know when he started molesting but honestly I cannot tell you when for sure he stopped.  It sounds strange but you often hear fellow victims always remembering when it began but not when it stopped.  We were too happy it ended for us to care to note the day our pain ended but we acknowledge when the pain began.  Ironic isn't it?  It is only logical to remember the day your nightmare ended and to forget when it started.  

     It was only about two years ago that I finally started to use my voice for the first time and then you slashed my heart.  It made me feel that I had no rights to even speak out and it was the same feeling I had as a child.  I always felt as a human without the same basic rights as others had.  Every time I would try to exercise my rights I was told not to.  It was a feeling that I thought was gone for good but you showed me it wasn't.  Now what am I to do?  Give up or fight?  I want to fight for our friendship but if I do part of me is going to feel like I'm forcing you to be my friend.  I don't want to force anyone to do anything they don't want because I know what it was like to have something forced upon me.  No child should have an adult male molest/rape a child at any age.  No one should have placed me into a nightmare world but there was some good that came out of it and that was your friendship.  I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow except keep walking my journey and pray for guidance I need to help me walk it.  I always believed Great Spirit didn't create me to 100% lean on Great Spirit but for me to grow as Great Spirit watched over.  My life is what is and nothing will make me erase anything that has happened to me.  I'm grateful we were brought together for a brief moment but I pray you are well and that you are continuing to reach out to others.  You can help someone see there is life and that death doesn't have to be the only answer to end the pain.  May Great Spirit keep guiding you to your life's journey.

Love & Light.

Don't let them see, let it go.

Unseen

    I sit here wondering just which is colder the snow or one's heart.  My world is changing and not for the better because most people are becoming colder then a blizzard ever could be.  We all walk our paths but we are forgetting that we are all humans who have to live in the world together not divided.  We struggle with pain of those who hurt us and there are more hurting people who are appearing each moment I type this.  My words flow from my heart and another comes along and says, 'get over it, that is life.'  How does one get over what pain another has caused them?  I cannot let go when there are reminders all around me and surrounding my memory.  Someone I know speaks out about her grief over the loss of her young Son and people show her their cruel fangs.  Others speak out about people who bully, violate you, and the people whom shunned them without giving them a reason.  They are told to get over it and move on because you shouldn't live in the past and yet they don't see their own pain.  Hiding the pain only gives that pain the power to grow to the point it takes your life.  Do we not see that we are our own worst enemy?  I don't live in the past but I have to go back and face it because if I don't then I stay in this sea of pain forever.  I want to be free of it truly free and for me death would never give me that freedom.  I want my body and spirit to be free from the pain that has occurred in my life up too now.  I know that my pain had made me stronger, though I do not feel that way.  But if it hadn't my life would have ended many years ago and the people I met in my life up too now would never have known me.  They are wonderful beings who extended a hand out to someone they never met face to face and accepted them for whom they are.  That is becoming rare these days but I will always extend my hand out and leave the choice of taking that hand up to them.

     My heart breaks each times someone tells me they want to die to just end the pain that plague's them.  How do you give another a reason to live?  You cannot that has to come from the person themselves and only I can support you with my friendship and love with each step you take to grab onto life.  Pain will always be a part of life there is not one person in this world who has not experienced it and I'm glad it is there.  Sounds really odd don’t it?  I mean how can anyone be glad there is pain in their life.  But without the pain my life would not be as it is today and I mean that I could be the one inflicting pain instead of trying to help others heal from it.  I feel pain has been a teacher who has taught me that others feel similarly to how I feel and that life should not be taken for granted.  I was taken for granted when a man forced himself upon me at the age of ten causing my life to spiral downwards into that darkness of anger, shame, despair, and hate.  Hate of men and the hate of myself for allowing him to make me a victim that ended him taking my happiness away for over twenty years.  Now, I am fighting back to get the life I denied myself and the one stolen from me but it is taking hard work and I am not doing it alone.

     Borders are put up all around us to keep our enemy out but there is a price for that too and often that price is way too high to pay.  In reality I feel most people don't want to be aware of the price for they would rather isolate themselves from others who are different in order to justify their hatred of their lifestyle.  If they were to get to know them, it may mean everything they believed in was wrong.  That is not true and I am mainly talking about people who tell you that just because the Bible says it is wrong and that makes it wrong.  We cannot place modern interpretation on the Bible when the words were written many, many millenniums ago.  Words had different meanings then and when you put today meaning onto the Bible the original message is lost among the sea of modern meanings.  We should take the Bible of yesterday and study the meaning of words back then and just maybe I might believe what you say is true otherwise I will not follow your way if you have not the true message.  I may not be a Bible reader but I do believe in the power of words for they can heal you or they can damage you to the point you can take your own life.  Words are healing/deadly depending on how we interpret them or use them in our daily lives.  I am no different I allow words to still bind me down but I am slowly breaking those chains by exploring the true meaning I place upon the words themselves.  Life is not easy but I have to stop making it more difficult and painful then it has to be for I am a child walking the path of life discovering herself as she goes.  I'm human which means I accept all that is me the good, bad, and between.  I'm glad to be a human having a human experience along with good loving friends and family. I shall try to let it go and walk onward along with all that will come into my life.
Love & Light.

Negativity in the World Today.

Negativity.

     Recently I have been posting to the yahoo news feeds about stories that catch in my interest and I find the comments more interesting then the story most of the time due to the negative remarks people are willing to make. I made a comment of Liftetime's movie about the late singer Aailyah and what I commented on was the ending in which was the only part of the movie I saw. Apparently she was involved with a man whom was in his mid twenties and supposedly married her when she was only 15 but someone gentlemen replied in a most unkind manner. He implied I was saying I was for old men molesting/raping young girls when in fact how would I say that if I hadn't known that part of the story? His righteous attitude justified him telling me to go kill myself and that he hopes my own 15 year old Daughter had a man molest/rape her. I said I had that happen to me already at the age of ten then I stated I only commented on the ending that I had not seen the part of the movie his was referring too. Yet, I am told to end my life and he hoped a child of mine would be molested and he wants me to think he's the good person here. NO! He is not justified telling anyone to end their life and someone whom is not as emotionally healthy as I am which is not as healthy as I like to be but still they would do what this man told them to do. Sad thing is the person ending their life on his words would be fully blamed and the one speaking those words innocent and of responsibility of his words. He is responsible for the impact his negative words have upon another. I fully take responsibility for my own words.

     Do think if you call someone a monster then turn around telling someone to kill themselves and hope a child becomes a victim and think it makes you appear to be the good guy? NO IT DOESN'T! I have been a person whom has been negative most of my life and now I'm looking back at those times in order to move forward in a more healthier direction. I'm tired of being negative about life and especially towards myself with my own self verbal abuse which I still do once in a while but I am slowly getting past that. I may not want to see how negative the world is but I also know that the world is always going to have negative things in for the rest of my life and into the next generation. What good does it do to avoid it when its part of life? I tried avoiding it once and found out that it is always going to be there so I decided to change how I react to the negativity that is thrown at me.  Instead of giving into it and agree with others as well I found myself letting them say what they wanted but I would not respond in anger nor will I allow their words to do me harm.

      People throw their words out like it was absolute truth when that is truly impossible especially though online social media.  I find the cruelty of their words impact upon my friends and  their responding with anger which only seems to fuel those accusing my friends of things that are untrue.  Just like Bill Crosby I cannot say he's innocent nor guilty for I am not he nor he me.  Telling someone to end their live isn't someone whom is a caring person or doing the right thing.  Nor is someone whom threatens to end their life and go get help you are crazy anyway is not the right attitude either for that makes a person feel as if you are uncaring and cold heart'd.  We cannot truly know each other through a small post on a topic only through reaching out to a person and actually chatting with them can we start learning about whom they are.  We are the tools we used to build connections, relationships, and bonds of love have gone?  I wish that I knew because we seem to have lost them these days or we just don't want to use them either way we need to stop being so judgmental that we attack more innocent people then taking the right action to prevent the guilty from continuing to do harm.

     My only advice against someone else's negative words is to say. 'do you feel better now if so good because now I'm happy to have helped you feel better about yourself.  Trying to not allow their words to hurt isn't easy but reminding yourself that you are a good person and one that is worthy of life.  No one else but yourself can take that feeling away and I mean if you allow their negative words to come alive through your believing them then you are doing the damage now.  They began the damage but you keep it going by believing in those words and you do not deserve to make their words come alive you are a worthy human being because you have a beautiful heart, soul, and survived more then anyone should have been exposed to in life.  Those whom have faith in a higher being (God) also need to know that having faith in you as well is something that can make your life better.  If you don't believe in a higher being that is fine as long as you have faith in whom you are and do what is right by yourself as for your fellow man.  I'm working on that in my own life nothing is that easy but removing the one enemy that is always going to stand in your way is a start and that enemy is ourself.  I'm still fighting myself but my good and true friends are walking beside me saying you're not alone we believe in you.  Now believe in yourself too because I hate walking this path alone and I know so do you.  Watch for how your words affect others but more important how they truly affect yourself and I mean your own words not just others.

Aftermath of a celebrity's Death.

Tear of sadness.

     August 11, 2014 the world awoke to the death of actor Robin Williams whom committed suicide by hanging.  As usual awareness for mental illness once again rose to the top of line but it saddens me to see that only when a celebrity dies that awareness for any illness comes into light.  No one will know for sure why he committed suicide but one reason may have been his diagnose's of Parkinson's disease.  I have many ailments that I deal with and Diabetes is one of them but despite that fact no one wants to face any illness doesn't mean they should give up on living a wonderful life. We all face things in life that feel so devastating but there are people whom face much worse situations then I do with with courage and still lets the world know that today sucks to point I want to give up but I won't.  They fight hard against the hands they were dealt with and even show their true self in bad times.  No one ever said life was fair but people these days seem to only the unfair parts of life and refuse to see any of the wondrous things that life has.  If Michael J. Fox gave up on his life he would not be seeing how his wonderful family is growing, learning, and living their own life.  He would have missed out on a great deal that life has to offer and I imagine there have been times he wanted to know why this disease had to hit him.  I would be surprised if one hadn't ever thought about giving up after getting a diagnose's they never wanted to hear.  I keep going not for just my family but for myself first and foremost.

     Mental illness has existed since man first took a step upon this Earth of ours and yet we turn a blinds eye to it among other things as well.  I'm tired of turning blind eyes for that doesn't help those whom face those hardships in life.  It seems we humans have to wait until a tragic event before we get involved once again in the matters that are important.  For people whom are withing the darkness of depression we are fight it every day and we too lose so many of our fighters to the enemy known as suicide.  We are in a different war but a war none the less for which goes unseen by the ones whom don't have to fight it.  Sometimes I am glad they are not fellow warriors but others I want them to see and understand we just cannot get over it like most tell us too.  What makes them think we haven't tried that before?  We are wondering through the darkest of darkness without any light and here you go telling us to just get over it.  Do they realize how cold heart'd that makes them appear to be in our eyes?  Not everything is so easy in life but we can find a way to make it much easier by learning about our depression and ways to fight it.  It will be a long road but it is not impossible if you believe it to be so and for many years I too thought it impossible until I realized that it was me whom had made it that way.  I also know that those whom have a much more serious mental illness will have it much more impossible until we can find a treatment that works without the bad side affects.  I keep all human beings in my prayers because I don't want anyone to become a new solider in this war but there will be.

     I recently read a article about a woman whom said suicide is not a selfish act but in my heart as someone whom lost a friend to suicide I strongly disagree.  She denied herself finding what wondrous things would have come into her life if only she sought help to find her own depression.  It made me go back and reflect about my own attempt at suicide and now it is clear how selfish the attempt was and if it had succeeded.  For me causing the pain of grief to another is a cruel act because no loving parent, child, or sibling wants to go through the loss of someone they love without knowing why they felt the need to end their life.  A flowing stream of guilt is left behind for them to drown in without hope of ever being able to know what they could have done differently or why they couldn't see the signs.  I became a person whom could place a fake smile upon my lips or hide behind the world of my writing in order for no one to see the streaming of tears rolling down worn out cheeks.  Most people don't understand you become a person of illusions that can fool even the best of magician's.  We even get to the point we begin to fool ourselves making the darkness grow beyond your own being.  It felt like an empty space without light or anyone else floating around me which became my normal way of living after 30 years.  Mysterious Universe's are not meant to be here on Earth but that is where I was at and even though I didn't realize it at first I felt that part of me placed myself in that Universe.  I wanted to be safe from the monster whom took something no person has a right to take away from a 10 yr old girl whom could not understand the world of adults that well.

     I survived but part of me shall always be stained with the memory of what one person did to me and the scares left behind from the darkness.  I walk in the light along with the darkness but I don't fully live in it anymore and for some of us they are still trapped there so I extend my hand out to them and help them to pull themselves out of it.  When I hear the words, 'get it over already' it makes me extremely mad because they don't seem to feel like you have tried just that but you simply cannot that easily.  For some the chemicals in our brains are off balance for people like me a trauma affected my emotional state of being.  Over half my life I ran away from the emotional turmoil I lived in day in and day out until I found strength I thought was not there.  I started to bring my words life and detach the words that held me down like a prisoner chained to a wall.  It took a long time before it dawned on me that my own words good or bad would help me determine which path my life would take.  Those dark paths despite being painful have helped me to become a better person because it taught me many lesson I don't think that I would have learned any other way from.

     During the time of grief many will say you need to be strong for the spouse of the one whom has died but that doesn't mean not allowing your own grief to be placed aside for another.  You see we often miss interrupt the word STRONG!  Being strong doesn't mean you place your own emotions last and another's first especially when it comes to grief because we all go through that differently.  Robin's family has been put through enough now it is their time to grieve without our eyes watching or telling them to be strong for his widow.  They need to come together and be there for each other whether a bad time or not.  Being with someone saying I'm here and I love you can give another more strength then one realize's.  Walk our path of life and even though I don't feel suicide is ever the answer to anyone's type of pain because I believe we can find a way to stop the pain while here on Earth.  Won't be easy but I stopped telling myself that it is impossible to stop one's pain.  Our words make our reality and for me I shall continue to march onward until the Great Spirit decides to take me home again.  Anyone whom is thinking about suicide please call a hot line or someone for you are not alone we are always walking by each other's side.  Bless you all.  Love & Light.

     

Gone is the friend I knew.

Left alone.

     I'm sitting here, breathing, heart beating, mind racing, and wondering why in the blazes you found it easy to leave me in this pain.  A pain you knew would be left upon my soul, body, and spirit but yet you chose to take away something that was precious to me and it should have been just as precious to you. Your life was precious and loved by me as a friend, a Sister, and more then words can express.  My tears are flowing along side the rage of anger that goes with it.  Questions roam into my quiet mind's domain demanding their answers for which I have not.  Was I truly such a awful friend that you could not come to me in your time of need?  Did I leave you behind without realizing it?  What was so painful that made you feel so trapped that nothing could ever break you free except the Grim reaper?  I shall ever find a path that can take me back in time to say to you. 'I shall wrap you in my warm arms and onto you not letting you fall.'  I always hold my hands to others but perhaps I did not toward you or you felt that I hadn't and in truth I do not know.

     My whole life has been painful and not many knew just how much for I wore a pretty good mask that fooled everyone in my life including myself.  I have learned about myself this past year through another's eyes and a total stranger's eyes.  Whom is the stranger one might ask and the answer may surprise you to the point you would sternly not believe it possible.  The stranger I am talking about is none other then myself and that is Great Spirit's (God's) honest truth.  We say nobody can know us better then ourselves but we tend to forget that we refuse to fully see our true self and therefore only see a small fraction of the person that lies within our vessel called the body.  I believe that when we are in pain there is the pain of the body, mind, and spirit but when death finally arrives we are released from the physical pain and that of the mind.  When I say the mind I mean the physical illness that attacks our minds but the emotional which I believe is the pain our spirit feels for which we take with us at the time of our death.  I want to resolve as much as I can while still breathing, heart beating. and body moving forward with each new step I take.

     I wondered around for years trying to find answers to questions no one should have to ask but we are forced to from the hands of another whom took it upon themselves to make you a victim of his twisted violent act.  Throwing the innocence you had into a pit of darkness that feels like light cannot penetrate into your core.  As the anger arise's from this pit I have found it is having a positive side affect this time and most may think, she is crazy but everything shall always have more then one side to it.  For me it has opened up a new venue for me in my writing, soul searching journey, and opening to my eyes that we cannot fully realize the change that is possible as we grow each day with each step.  Maybe I should thank you instead of being angry but I am still angry for today as for tomorrow it is yet to be written.  Seek out those whom are walking a similar path and extend their hands out to them.  Catch them before they fall and if you are not meant to catch them on my side then catch them on yours.  We all have a purpose in the living world and the world of Spirits.  Allow me to  be angry, to just feel in the moment because that is all I can do right now is just to feel the here and now.  I shall always hold you in my heart, scold you for unanswered questions, and regret losing touch with you.  Until we meet again watch out for the ones whom are hanging by a thread and be their life lind and dear friend as you are to me.  Bye for now my Dear Friend Brenda until we meet once more.
  

Road to Faith

Road to faith.

     Carry me Lord, carry me Lord, was a line from a song I heard on the radio today which got me to thinking about something.  Funny thought came to my mind which was I don't want Great Spirit (God) to carry me but walk by my side in life even though my favorite poem in the world is Footprints.  But you see in the poem the man has footprints that are his alone and then there appears another set next to him.  During the times that were his roughest he only saw one set and the Lord said that is when I carried you.  The song made me feel that we want God to fix everything that is wrong in our life and that we are not meant to fix anything.  You see faith for me it not depending on Great Spirit to give me the answers to all I seek but to guide to me a good path in life even if that path has many rough times as I walk it.  For me I am not alone for Great Spirit is always within my heart and walk along side me as this journey of my life is written out.  Yes, I hadn't always felt Great Spirit was there because how does a loving caring God allow a person to harm another?  Most problems I have with faith is that it tells us to obey only but if I were to obey only then how would I explore and learn for myself.  I don't want to feel punished by my faith nor do I want to feel weak to point I have not strength of my own.

    It boggles the mind when I think about why we are so fixated about being weak and needing to obey as if we are slaves unable to walk on our own.  Were'n't we given the good old free will?  As far as I know we were and since we have free will then why don't we use it to walk our journey's of life instead of depending on Great Spirit to fix everything wrong with us?  I want the free will to fix myself and ask for Great Spirit's healing power for assistance but the main part of fixing myself is not up to another but to me alone.  Most of the time it feels like people want to solely rely on Great Spirit but not truly enjoy his wondrous gifts he's given us and shows us with the world that was created through hard work and love.  We take this world and walk over as if it were a mere tool for us to use so we could live but there is so much more out there that we cannot see not wish to see due to our own selfish needs.  Don't get me wrong not everyone is selfish but it seems like there is a lot whom are in this world.

     Spiritualist is defined as a person whom believes in Jesus Christ and has Christian beliefs along with alternative ways of thinking.  It is not a person whom worships the Devil just because some people feel our gifts come from the Devil but if you would as anyone with a gift we will tell you this is from Great Spirit (God) alone.  I'm a Spiritualist whom believe that we had a great teacher walk among us thousands of years ago and as for being a savior that I leave up to you for me Jesus is my teacher.  A teacher of life whom helps me to see what already lies within my being through the day to day journey of my life.  We are not weak or strong but both and when I feel lost and alone I reach out not only to friends or family but to a higher being to help see what I am not allowing myself to see.  Faith for me is not a crutch or power but the bond of love and learning to walk each step that I take knowing that I am never alone.

     Conclusion to today's thoughts is for me my faith is something I look for to feel the warm of the Great Spirit and my Guides bond of love that no one can break unless I break those bonds.  I am broken but that does not mean that I can not be fixed nor shall I stay fixed once I am.  Life is a journey and right now I am trying to hear what I should do to change it for the better and then when I fall again to hear the words: you are not alone and you can do this.  Bless you all.