Negativity in the World Today.

Negativity.

     Recently I have been posting to the yahoo news feeds about stories that catch in my interest and I find the comments more interesting then the story most of the time due to the negative remarks people are willing to make. I made a comment of Liftetime's movie about the late singer Aailyah and what I commented on was the ending in which was the only part of the movie I saw. Apparently she was involved with a man whom was in his mid twenties and supposedly married her when she was only 15 but someone gentlemen replied in a most unkind manner. He implied I was saying I was for old men molesting/raping young girls when in fact how would I say that if I hadn't known that part of the story? His righteous attitude justified him telling me to go kill myself and that he hopes my own 15 year old Daughter had a man molest/rape her. I said I had that happen to me already at the age of ten then I stated I only commented on the ending that I had not seen the part of the movie his was referring too. Yet, I am told to end my life and he hoped a child of mine would be molested and he wants me to think he's the good person here. NO! He is not justified telling anyone to end their life and someone whom is not as emotionally healthy as I am which is not as healthy as I like to be but still they would do what this man told them to do. Sad thing is the person ending their life on his words would be fully blamed and the one speaking those words innocent and of responsibility of his words. He is responsible for the impact his negative words have upon another. I fully take responsibility for my own words.

     Do think if you call someone a monster then turn around telling someone to kill themselves and hope a child becomes a victim and think it makes you appear to be the good guy? NO IT DOESN'T! I have been a person whom has been negative most of my life and now I'm looking back at those times in order to move forward in a more healthier direction. I'm tired of being negative about life and especially towards myself with my own self verbal abuse which I still do once in a while but I am slowly getting past that. I may not want to see how negative the world is but I also know that the world is always going to have negative things in for the rest of my life and into the next generation. What good does it do to avoid it when its part of life? I tried avoiding it once and found out that it is always going to be there so I decided to change how I react to the negativity that is thrown at me.  Instead of giving into it and agree with others as well I found myself letting them say what they wanted but I would not respond in anger nor will I allow their words to do me harm.

      People throw their words out like it was absolute truth when that is truly impossible especially though online social media.  I find the cruelty of their words impact upon my friends and  their responding with anger which only seems to fuel those accusing my friends of things that are untrue.  Just like Bill Crosby I cannot say he's innocent nor guilty for I am not he nor he me.  Telling someone to end their live isn't someone whom is a caring person or doing the right thing.  Nor is someone whom threatens to end their life and go get help you are crazy anyway is not the right attitude either for that makes a person feel as if you are uncaring and cold heart'd.  We cannot truly know each other through a small post on a topic only through reaching out to a person and actually chatting with them can we start learning about whom they are.  We are the tools we used to build connections, relationships, and bonds of love have gone?  I wish that I knew because we seem to have lost them these days or we just don't want to use them either way we need to stop being so judgmental that we attack more innocent people then taking the right action to prevent the guilty from continuing to do harm.

     My only advice against someone else's negative words is to say. 'do you feel better now if so good because now I'm happy to have helped you feel better about yourself.  Trying to not allow their words to hurt isn't easy but reminding yourself that you are a good person and one that is worthy of life.  No one else but yourself can take that feeling away and I mean if you allow their negative words to come alive through your believing them then you are doing the damage now.  They began the damage but you keep it going by believing in those words and you do not deserve to make their words come alive you are a worthy human being because you have a beautiful heart, soul, and survived more then anyone should have been exposed to in life.  Those whom have faith in a higher being (God) also need to know that having faith in you as well is something that can make your life better.  If you don't believe in a higher being that is fine as long as you have faith in whom you are and do what is right by yourself as for your fellow man.  I'm working on that in my own life nothing is that easy but removing the one enemy that is always going to stand in your way is a start and that enemy is ourself.  I'm still fighting myself but my good and true friends are walking beside me saying you're not alone we believe in you.  Now believe in yourself too because I hate walking this path alone and I know so do you.  Watch for how your words affect others but more important how they truly affect yourself and I mean your own words not just others.

Aftermath of a celebrity's Death.

Tear of sadness.

     August 11, 2014 the world awoke to the death of actor Robin Williams whom committed suicide by hanging.  As usual awareness for mental illness once again rose to the top of line but it saddens me to see that only when a celebrity dies that awareness for any illness comes into light.  No one will know for sure why he committed suicide but one reason may have been his diagnose's of Parkinson's disease.  I have many ailments that I deal with and Diabetes is one of them but despite that fact no one wants to face any illness doesn't mean they should give up on living a wonderful life. We all face things in life that feel so devastating but there are people whom face much worse situations then I do with with courage and still lets the world know that today sucks to point I want to give up but I won't.  They fight hard against the hands they were dealt with and even show their true self in bad times.  No one ever said life was fair but people these days seem to only the unfair parts of life and refuse to see any of the wondrous things that life has.  If Michael J. Fox gave up on his life he would not be seeing how his wonderful family is growing, learning, and living their own life.  He would have missed out on a great deal that life has to offer and I imagine there have been times he wanted to know why this disease had to hit him.  I would be surprised if one hadn't ever thought about giving up after getting a diagnose's they never wanted to hear.  I keep going not for just my family but for myself first and foremost.

     Mental illness has existed since man first took a step upon this Earth of ours and yet we turn a blinds eye to it among other things as well.  I'm tired of turning blind eyes for that doesn't help those whom face those hardships in life.  It seems we humans have to wait until a tragic event before we get involved once again in the matters that are important.  For people whom are withing the darkness of depression we are fight it every day and we too lose so many of our fighters to the enemy known as suicide.  We are in a different war but a war none the less for which goes unseen by the ones whom don't have to fight it.  Sometimes I am glad they are not fellow warriors but others I want them to see and understand we just cannot get over it like most tell us too.  What makes them think we haven't tried that before?  We are wondering through the darkest of darkness without any light and here you go telling us to just get over it.  Do they realize how cold heart'd that makes them appear to be in our eyes?  Not everything is so easy in life but we can find a way to make it much easier by learning about our depression and ways to fight it.  It will be a long road but it is not impossible if you believe it to be so and for many years I too thought it impossible until I realized that it was me whom had made it that way.  I also know that those whom have a much more serious mental illness will have it much more impossible until we can find a treatment that works without the bad side affects.  I keep all human beings in my prayers because I don't want anyone to become a new solider in this war but there will be.

     I recently read a article about a woman whom said suicide is not a selfish act but in my heart as someone whom lost a friend to suicide I strongly disagree.  She denied herself finding what wondrous things would have come into her life if only she sought help to find her own depression.  It made me go back and reflect about my own attempt at suicide and now it is clear how selfish the attempt was and if it had succeeded.  For me causing the pain of grief to another is a cruel act because no loving parent, child, or sibling wants to go through the loss of someone they love without knowing why they felt the need to end their life.  A flowing stream of guilt is left behind for them to drown in without hope of ever being able to know what they could have done differently or why they couldn't see the signs.  I became a person whom could place a fake smile upon my lips or hide behind the world of my writing in order for no one to see the streaming of tears rolling down worn out cheeks.  Most people don't understand you become a person of illusions that can fool even the best of magician's.  We even get to the point we begin to fool ourselves making the darkness grow beyond your own being.  It felt like an empty space without light or anyone else floating around me which became my normal way of living after 30 years.  Mysterious Universe's are not meant to be here on Earth but that is where I was at and even though I didn't realize it at first I felt that part of me placed myself in that Universe.  I wanted to be safe from the monster whom took something no person has a right to take away from a 10 yr old girl whom could not understand the world of adults that well.

     I survived but part of me shall always be stained with the memory of what one person did to me and the scares left behind from the darkness.  I walk in the light along with the darkness but I don't fully live in it anymore and for some of us they are still trapped there so I extend my hand out to them and help them to pull themselves out of it.  When I hear the words, 'get it over already' it makes me extremely mad because they don't seem to feel like you have tried just that but you simply cannot that easily.  For some the chemicals in our brains are off balance for people like me a trauma affected my emotional state of being.  Over half my life I ran away from the emotional turmoil I lived in day in and day out until I found strength I thought was not there.  I started to bring my words life and detach the words that held me down like a prisoner chained to a wall.  It took a long time before it dawned on me that my own words good or bad would help me determine which path my life would take.  Those dark paths despite being painful have helped me to become a better person because it taught me many lesson I don't think that I would have learned any other way from.

     During the time of grief many will say you need to be strong for the spouse of the one whom has died but that doesn't mean not allowing your own grief to be placed aside for another.  You see we often miss interrupt the word STRONG!  Being strong doesn't mean you place your own emotions last and another's first especially when it comes to grief because we all go through that differently.  Robin's family has been put through enough now it is their time to grieve without our eyes watching or telling them to be strong for his widow.  They need to come together and be there for each other whether a bad time or not.  Being with someone saying I'm here and I love you can give another more strength then one realize's.  Walk our path of life and even though I don't feel suicide is ever the answer to anyone's type of pain because I believe we can find a way to stop the pain while here on Earth.  Won't be easy but I stopped telling myself that it is impossible to stop one's pain.  Our words make our reality and for me I shall continue to march onward until the Great Spirit decides to take me home again.  Anyone whom is thinking about suicide please call a hot line or someone for you are not alone we are always walking by each other's side.  Bless you all.  Love & Light.

     

Gone is the friend I knew.

Left alone.

     I'm sitting here, breathing, heart beating, mind racing, and wondering why in the blazes you found it easy to leave me in this pain.  A pain you knew would be left upon my soul, body, and spirit but yet you chose to take away something that was precious to me and it should have been just as precious to you. Your life was precious and loved by me as a friend, a Sister, and more then words can express.  My tears are flowing along side the rage of anger that goes with it.  Questions roam into my quiet mind's domain demanding their answers for which I have not.  Was I truly such a awful friend that you could not come to me in your time of need?  Did I leave you behind without realizing it?  What was so painful that made you feel so trapped that nothing could ever break you free except the Grim reaper?  I shall ever find a path that can take me back in time to say to you. 'I shall wrap you in my warm arms and onto you not letting you fall.'  I always hold my hands to others but perhaps I did not toward you or you felt that I hadn't and in truth I do not know.

     My whole life has been painful and not many knew just how much for I wore a pretty good mask that fooled everyone in my life including myself.  I have learned about myself this past year through another's eyes and a total stranger's eyes.  Whom is the stranger one might ask and the answer may surprise you to the point you would sternly not believe it possible.  The stranger I am talking about is none other then myself and that is Great Spirit's (God's) honest truth.  We say nobody can know us better then ourselves but we tend to forget that we refuse to fully see our true self and therefore only see a small fraction of the person that lies within our vessel called the body.  I believe that when we are in pain there is the pain of the body, mind, and spirit but when death finally arrives we are released from the physical pain and that of the mind.  When I say the mind I mean the physical illness that attacks our minds but the emotional which I believe is the pain our spirit feels for which we take with us at the time of our death.  I want to resolve as much as I can while still breathing, heart beating. and body moving forward with each new step I take.

     I wondered around for years trying to find answers to questions no one should have to ask but we are forced to from the hands of another whom took it upon themselves to make you a victim of his twisted violent act.  Throwing the innocence you had into a pit of darkness that feels like light cannot penetrate into your core.  As the anger arise's from this pit I have found it is having a positive side affect this time and most may think, she is crazy but everything shall always have more then one side to it.  For me it has opened up a new venue for me in my writing, soul searching journey, and opening to my eyes that we cannot fully realize the change that is possible as we grow each day with each step.  Maybe I should thank you instead of being angry but I am still angry for today as for tomorrow it is yet to be written.  Seek out those whom are walking a similar path and extend their hands out to them.  Catch them before they fall and if you are not meant to catch them on my side then catch them on yours.  We all have a purpose in the living world and the world of Spirits.  Allow me to  be angry, to just feel in the moment because that is all I can do right now is just to feel the here and now.  I shall always hold you in my heart, scold you for unanswered questions, and regret losing touch with you.  Until we meet again watch out for the ones whom are hanging by a thread and be their life lind and dear friend as you are to me.  Bye for now my Dear Friend Brenda until we meet once more.
  

Road to Faith

Road to faith.

     Carry me Lord, carry me Lord, was a line from a song I heard on the radio today which got me to thinking about something.  Funny thought came to my mind which was I don't want Great Spirit (God) to carry me but walk by my side in life even though my favorite poem in the world is Footprints.  But you see in the poem the man has footprints that are his alone and then there appears another set next to him.  During the times that were his roughest he only saw one set and the Lord said that is when I carried you.  The song made me feel that we want God to fix everything that is wrong in our life and that we are not meant to fix anything.  You see faith for me it not depending on Great Spirit to give me the answers to all I seek but to guide to me a good path in life even if that path has many rough times as I walk it.  For me I am not alone for Great Spirit is always within my heart and walk along side me as this journey of my life is written out.  Yes, I hadn't always felt Great Spirit was there because how does a loving caring God allow a person to harm another?  Most problems I have with faith is that it tells us to obey only but if I were to obey only then how would I explore and learn for myself.  I don't want to feel punished by my faith nor do I want to feel weak to point I have not strength of my own.

    It boggles the mind when I think about why we are so fixated about being weak and needing to obey as if we are slaves unable to walk on our own.  Were'n't we given the good old free will?  As far as I know we were and since we have free will then why don't we use it to walk our journey's of life instead of depending on Great Spirit to fix everything wrong with us?  I want the free will to fix myself and ask for Great Spirit's healing power for assistance but the main part of fixing myself is not up to another but to me alone.  Most of the time it feels like people want to solely rely on Great Spirit but not truly enjoy his wondrous gifts he's given us and shows us with the world that was created through hard work and love.  We take this world and walk over as if it were a mere tool for us to use so we could live but there is so much more out there that we cannot see not wish to see due to our own selfish needs.  Don't get me wrong not everyone is selfish but it seems like there is a lot whom are in this world.

     Spiritualist is defined as a person whom believes in Jesus Christ and has Christian beliefs along with alternative ways of thinking.  It is not a person whom worships the Devil just because some people feel our gifts come from the Devil but if you would as anyone with a gift we will tell you this is from Great Spirit (God) alone.  I'm a Spiritualist whom believe that we had a great teacher walk among us thousands of years ago and as for being a savior that I leave up to you for me Jesus is my teacher.  A teacher of life whom helps me to see what already lies within my being through the day to day journey of my life.  We are not weak or strong but both and when I feel lost and alone I reach out not only to friends or family but to a higher being to help see what I am not allowing myself to see.  Faith for me is not a crutch or power but the bond of love and learning to walk each step that I take knowing that I am never alone.

     Conclusion to today's thoughts is for me my faith is something I look for to feel the warm of the Great Spirit and my Guides bond of love that no one can break unless I break those bonds.  I am broken but that does not mean that I can not be fixed nor shall I stay fixed once I am.  Life is a journey and right now I am trying to hear what I should do to change it for the better and then when I fall again to hear the words: you are not alone and you can do this.  Bless you all.

Escaping.

My escape.

     As I walk down my life path I began to look back at where I have been and where I am going. I began my life of denial about the age of ten and never looked back for why should I there wasn't anything worth seeing.  At least that was what I thought until I suddenly stopped a few years ago when I had thought my dead end finally showed up.  Well, nope it didn't as I continue upon a path of some denial which is not as bad as the past but still I had hoped to get off the road of denial.  I once again found myself walking it trying to escape from the world of dementia that invaded my loved ones.  How can I be walking this road again with a parent whom has dementia?  Dementia's winning without any effort and all I can do watch as it slowly rob the person of their mind.  How cruel can this world get?  Very cruel more then we humans could ever imagine and I'm at a loss as to what I can do.  However the most cruelest person whom I ever met is not someone that one meets on the street but looks back at you in a mirror.

     Will you open your eyes?  Will you see me?  Will you hold me?  I am here, I am here.  How can I answer those questions when all I want to do is run, run, and run?  Then you will condemn me to this isolation of a abyss of despair.  How cruel you say the world is and I say how cruel are you to yourself.  I hadn't thought that I was the cruel one but the victim surely I have been the victim all this time.  Yes, but the whom's victim have I truly been all this time?  Other's?  Or yourself?  Harsh questions one has to ask of one's self when you are facing  your demons as you fight the fleeting feeling builds up within due to not wanting to face what you need to face in order to keep walking forward.  What is in front of me?  How can I know if I am wanting to escape?  Simply answer really you cannot know until you step into the unknown and walk onward taking what comes along the way.  There is always going to be things you don't want to face but there are things that you will want to face because they make your spirit fly with joy.  Life is not always unpleasant you know that but when stuck in feeling nothing ever is pleasant makes you want to run, run, and rum until you escape.

     Escaping is no longer something I can afford to do but yet part of me is still fleeting, struggling, and wanting to have what I cannot have.  I need to focus on working to get what I can have and not to run but if I do run will you please throw my own words back at me.  A true friend would say, 'hey you, you're being a idiot again.'   Running is not a answer nor is a true escape because you are always with yourself there is no way you can avoid yourself.  Why did I think that I could run away from myself is beyond me.  During times like these when I feel that I am not allowed the same freedom to not have my things used without consideration or to use me as a excuse as to why you didn't get something done makes me wanna keep running forever.  Yet, I find myself standing still looking into the emptiness of what is called my life and is it piercing into every fiber of my being.  Though my feet moving forward looking, searching, and finding those people that guide me to seeing whom I am is not a person to fear or run away from but someone with strength that they can easily see.  I now need to see that strength within me and to use it to continue to walk into the unknown called tomorrow.

Give the words life.

Come alive

     Words flow through the streams of time landing upon the ears of those whom are willing to listen for them however the words are not alive.  I often see more people willing to leave behind money, personal items, and memento's behind for their loved ones to cherish long after their last breath. What if they could leave behind words that have life filled within them that can last a thousand years or more?  Is that even possible?  Perhaps, one truly does not know the power of their own words leave upon the hearts of others.  When I was younger I never imagined just how much my words or lack of words would impact upon my life today.  I doubt any of us as a child would think that our own words would cause us to either walk life as a healed person or as a wounded one late in life.  Our youth gives us the impression we are tough and strong but in reality we are not strong or weak but both.

     It recently dawns upon me that all my life I gave life to my words however that was a cruel life I gave them.  I'm facing a foe of jealousy and wanting recognition for which are not my friends.  Indeed I gave my words the wrong kind of life but even though it has done me harm there was good  that was also given to me.  It gave me the eyes to see myself in a more human light then I feel that most do not wish to see ourselves as.  I mean that we tend to not want to see the bad in our lives because we can end up always focusing on those negative things about us and life.  But what in life doesn't have a good or bad within it?

     Today words flowed hitting their target making it hurt and cracking this heart of mine because the one whom threw them was suffering also.  They were leashing out at some whom they felt had hurt them but hurting another because you are hurt doesn't make it right in fact it makes you appears worse then the person whom harmed you.  I awoke to a world this morning where people's words made me feel like the simple right I have is slowly fading into oblivion and that theirs was still in tact.  My words shall not die because you wish to not hear them nor shall I kill off my own words just because I do not wish to hear them either.  Life is a world full of words that show whom we are on the inside and if you kill those words off then you reject me without giving me a fair chance to see whom I am.

     Words should fly free but note that one should always take the responsibility of giving those words life for whom those words land upon.  I shall continue to walk using my words and try to release those words that I keep locked within due to lack of courage but I am tired of my words dying within my own soul.  So I set my words free to fly upon the world to touch a person whom may need to hear them as I listen to hear their words that I too need to hear.

Let it hurt

Hurting.

     Let it hurt, let it hurt, and feel that pain with every fiber of your being.  It bleeds to the point it never stops and I'm tired and weary of this life.  Those were the feeling I felt long ago and every now and then they reappear not as strong but strong enough to throw my life into a pool of hurt.  The pain is part of all life but some people experience extreme physical and emotional pain to the pain they just want to stop the hurt by ending their life.  Physical pain is so hard to deal with and truly makes a person truly suffer in life.  How can we expect someone whom is physically in pain 24/7 to have a life worth living?  I'm sure but I do know how much I hate hearing people suffering physical and emotional pain to the point they     feel death is the only option they are left with.  It is so cruel to watch them suffer day after day and making me feel so helpless to stop their pain.  Yes, I accept pain in life but my own pain and if I could take on the pain of others I would do so in a heart beat.  But I cannot do that so what is it that I can do to help other then listening?  Be a good friend through listening, supporting, and caring after all that is very important to do for someone.

     A realization came to me today about some of the things that I found out were hurting me after all and truthfully it was not something I wanted to know but needed to know.  Actually I think I probably already knew guess the truth is I didn't want to admit it nor face it.  I want to feel equally cared about, loved, and acknowledge that same as the rest of my family is by everyone except my Mom.  Mom has been the only one whom knows how much I placed others needs before my own and honestly I wanted it that way at first but now I'm so tired of being placed last.  It hurts more then I thought it would and what hurts more is that I need to give the things I need and want to myself now.  No one else should be forced to do that for me anymore it is not fair to them but most of all not fair to me.  Why is there such a need to feel wanted, loved, and needed by others and not have those feelings for myself?  Why do I need to 100% fit into their life?  I want to just love them for whom they are not want any object to show me they love them but to feel it with the words they say.  I truly don't feel that love through their words or actions toward me but that is me not them right?  Honestly don't know anymore and being the type whom always has to ask questions and seeks the answers has made some of my journey harder then it needs to be.

      A wise person would say disturbing what lies peacefully beneath calm waters does not mean it will always have a bad result sometimes in order to see the calmness you first need to see the chaos.  I have most definitely stirred the calm waters all my life and now there are both calm and ravaged.  Balance in life is what I am seeking along with trying to find out some of my answers to why.  Whom am I?  I wonder if that question can ever truly be answered because we are always changing as we grow, experience life, and those whom impact our lives.  Each minute we are changing and we may not see it right away but it is there adding to the person we are.  I guess the only thing I can do is keep searching and see what I learn about myself along with dealing with my issue's as best as I can.  After all isn't that any of us can to is to live as best as they can?  I would love comments but since I never get any I do hope that my words help me at least.